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Anyone Can Whistle
This show has a wild, cartoonish plot. Crooked mayoress Cora Hoover Hooper plots a fake miracle to attract tourists to her bankrupt town. But when a group of mental patients from the "Cookie Jar" are denied access to the miracle, they revolt. Hapgood, a patient, is named head doctor of the asylum by the Cookies and confusion reigns. As Hapgood's power grows, head nurse Fay Apple falls in love with him, even though she is unable to embrace life's gusto as well as he does. It's a strange plot fraught with double meanings.
Opened April, 1964 Ran for 9 performances.          

Version:     Original Broadway Version      
Credits:     Book by Arthur Laurents

Music by Stephen Sondheim

Lyrics by Stephen Sondheim      
Type:     Book Show      
Acts:     Three      
Rating:     PG      
Cast Size:          
Orchestra Size:     Large (17+)      
Chorus Required:     Yes, large     
Dancing Required:     Yes, heavy dancing     
Difficulty:     Challenging to learn
Challenging to sing      
Style:     Broadway      
Category:     Comedy
Satire      
Ideal For:     Colleges
Community Theatres
Regional Theatres
High Schools      
Cast Size:          
     13 Men & 7 Women      
Casting Notes:     Includes older role(s)     
Characters:     J. Bowden Hapgood, charismatic asylum patient; bar.
Cora Hoover Hooper, manipulative mayoress
Treasurer Cooley, one of Cora's entourage
Fay Apple, honest, decent, stubborn nurse
Chief Magruder, another in the entourage
Comptroller Schub, Cora's politician suitor
Dr. Detmold, the asylum owner
Cora's handsome Boys (two to four)
Also: assorted Cookies, Nurses, Deputies, Townspeople, Tourists, Pilgrims, etc.     
Special Requirements:     Keep it light or the action can get weighed down. One successful production carried the action into the house -- adding to the confusion over who was a cookie and who was an audience member. Water springing from a rock. There are ways to do it without real water.     


This show has a wild, cartoonish plot. Crooked mayoress Cora Hoover Hooper plots a fake miracle to attract tourists to her bankrupt town. But when a group of mental patients from the "Cookie Jar" are denied access to the miracle, they revolt. Hapgood, a patient, is named head doctor of the asylum by the Cookies and confusion reigns. As Hapgood's power grows, head nurse Fay Apple falls in love with him, even though she is unable to embrace life's gusto as well as he does. It's a strange plot fraught with double meanings.
Opened April, 1964 Ran for 9 performances.          

Version:     Original Broadway Version      
Credits:     Book by Arthur Laurents

Music by Stephen Sondheim

Lyrics by Stephen Sondheim      
Type:     Book Show      
Acts:     Three      
Rating:     PG      
Cast Size:          
Orchestra Size:     Large (17+)      
Chorus Required:     Yes, large     
Dancing Required:     Yes, heavy dancing     
Difficulty:     Challenging to learn
Challenging to sing      
Style:     Broadway      
Category:     Comedy
Satire      
Ideal For:     Colleges
Community Theatres
Regional Theatres
High Schools      
Cast Size:          
     13 Men & 7 Women      
Casting Notes:     Includes older role(s)     
Characters:     J. Bowden Hapgood, charismatic asylum patient; bar.
Cora Hoover Hooper, manipulative mayoress
Treasurer Cooley, one of Cora's entourage
Fay Apple, honest, decent, stubborn nurse
Chief Magruder, another in the entourage
Comptroller Schub, Cora's politician suitor
Dr. Detmold, the asylum owner
Cora's handsome Boys (two to four)
Also: assorted Cookies, Nurses, Deputies, Townspeople, Tourists, Pilgrims, etc.     
Special Requirements:     Keep it light or the action can get weighed down. One successful production carried the action into the house -- adding to the confusion over who was a cookie and who was an audience member. Water springing from a rock. There are ways to do it without real water.     

Anyone Can Whistle:
Live At Carnegie Hall


1. Overture
[orchestra]

2. Narrator's Introduction
NARRATOR
Welcome to a town that's so broke only a miracle can save it. Thirty-one years ago, I myself was a Mayoress of such a town - for a very short term. The administration of this one  is desperate for a way to make money.
Cora Hoover Hooper, the Mayoress.

3. Me and My Town
MAYORESS CORA HOOVER HOOPER:
Everyone hates me-yes, yes-
Being the Mayoress, yes.
All of the peasants
Throw rocks in my presence,
Which causes me nervous distress, yes.
OOOH, OOOOOOOOOH, OOOH, OOH, OOOOOOOOOH.

Me and my town, battered about,
Everyone in it would like to get out.
But me and my town,
We just wanna be loved!

Stores are for rent, theatres are dark,
Grass on the sidewalks, but not in the park,
Me and my town,
We just wanna be loved!

The people are starving,
So they sleep the day through.
My poor little people,
What can they do?

TOWNSPEOPLE:
Boo!

CORA:
Who asked you?

Come on the train, come on the bus,
Somebody please buy a ticket to us.
Hurry on down-
We need a little renown.
Love me,
Love my
Town!

OOOHHHH OOOOOHHHHH OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!

BOYS:
Hi there, Cora.  What's new?

CORA:
The bank went bust and I'm feeling blue.
BOYS:
And who took over the bankruptcy?

CORA:  
Me, boys, me!

BOYS:
Si, si!

CORA:
Me, boys, me!

BOYS:
Tell us, Cora, how you are.

CORA:
I just got back from the reservoir.

BOYS:
And what's the state of the water supply?

CORA:
Dry, boys, dry!

BOYS:
My, my!

CORA:
Dry, boys, dry!

BOYS:
Ay, ay!

CORA:
A lady has responsibilities...

BOYS:
Responsibilities...

CORA:
And civic pride!

BOYS:
Civic pride!

CORA:
Well, I look around and what do I see?  I see no crops.

BOYS:
No crops.

CORA:
I see no business.

BOYS:
No business

CORA:
To the North, to the South,
Only hoof-and-mouth!

BOYS:
To the East, to the West,
No community chest

CORA:
I see a terrible depression all over the town-

BOYS:
Oh, a terrible depression,
Yes, a terrible depression.

CORA:
What a terrible depression
And I'm so depressed
I can hardly talk on the phone.
I feel all alone.

CORA AND BOYS:
But a lady has responsibilities-

BOYS:
Responsibilities-

CORA:
To all my poor!  Starving!  Cold!  Miserable!
Dirty!  Dreary!  Depressing!  Peasants!

ALL:  
Peasants!  Ick!

CORA:
A lady has responsibilities-

BOYS:  
Responsibilities-

CORA:
To try to be
Popular with the populace.

BOYS:
She's unpopular with the populace!

ALL:
Unpopular with the populace,
Unpopular with the populace,
Unpopular with the populace...

CORA:
Everyone here hates me at length,
Probably lynch me if they had the strength.
But me and my town,
Me and my town,
We just wanna be loved!

BOYS:  
We just want to be loved!
We just want to be loved!

CORA:
Just loved!

BOYS:
A friendship is lovely
And a courtship sublime,
But give her a township-

CORA:
Township!
Every time!

ALL:
What'll we do, me and my town?
Gotta do something or we're gonna drown!
Give me my coat,
Give me my crown,
Gimme, gimme your vote
And hurry on down!

CORA:
Show how much you think

BOYS:
Yeah!

CORA:
Of me!

ALL:
Love me,
Love my
Town!

4. Miracle Introduction
NARRATOR:
There is one place in town doing business; Dr. Detmold's Sanatorium for the Socially Pressured. Locally known as the Cookie Jar.

COOKIES:
I'm like the bluebird.
I should worry, I should care.
I should be a millionaire.
I'm like the bluebird...

NARRATOR:
The Mayoress is so depressed by her unpopularity that she makes a nostalgic pilgrimage to a huge rock on the outskirts of town.

CORA:
I am in the depths of positive despair.

SCHUB:
Ah now, Cora, you need to relax.

CORA:
I need a miracle, that's what I need.

NARRATOR:
Suddenly, Baby Joan licks the rock and there is an enormous spurt of water.

CORA:
Schroeder - Schroeder!

MRS. SCHROEDER:
Your honor, it's a miracle!

CORA:
It's what?

MRS. SCHROEDER:
A miracle! It's a miracle!

CORA:
You know, you're absolutely right. It is a miracle. I'm saved.

5. Miracle Song
CORA:
Baby Joan!

MRS. SCHROEDER:
Baby Joan!
It's a sign! It's a sign!

CORA:
And it's mine!

MRS. SCHROEDER:
It's a shrine! It's a shrine!

CORA:
And it's all mine!
It's a gold mine!
And it's all mine!

TOWNSPEOPLE: (Overlapping)
It's a sign!
It's a shrine!
See it shine!

CORA:
and it's holier than thine!

CORA, COOLEY, MRS. SCHROEDER, TOWNSPEOPLE:
There's water in a lake, water in a river,
Water in the deep blue sea.
But water in a rock - Lord! That's a miracle!
Who's got the miracle?

TOWNSPEOPLE:
We!

ALL:
There's water that you part,
Water that you walk on,
Water that you turn to wine!
But water from a rock - Lord!
What a miracle!
This is a miracle that's divine,
Truly divine!

CORA:
Really divine!

TOWNSPEOPLE:
The Lord said,

CORA:
"Let there be water!"

TOWNSPEOPLE:
The Lord said,

CORA:
"Turn on the front!"

TOWNSPEOPLE:
The Lord said,

CORA:
Let there be Pilgrims,
And let them all think whatever they want."

TOWNSPEOPLE:
Blessed be the child,

CORA:
Blessed be the tourist,

TOWNSPEOPLE:
Blessed it's its own reward,
Water is a boon, we'll soon be in clover!

CORA:
Better issue stock, my rock runneth over!

ALL:
Glory Hallelu,
You finally came through,
And thank you, Lord!
Our faith is restored!
Thank you, Lord!

CORA:
Come, all ye Pilgrims!

TOWNSPEOPLE:
Hail the miracle!

CORA:
See ye the wondrous sight!

TOWNSPEOPLE:
Hail the miracle, praise the miracle!

CORA:
Take ye the bus tonight.

TOWNSPEOPLE:
There's a miracle that's happening in this town.

CORA:
If you want to see a miracle, then hurry on down!
Come all ye Pilgrims!

TOWNSPEOPLE:
Hail the miracle!

CORA:
Hear ye the joyful bells!

TOWNSPEOPLE:
Hail the miracle!
Bless the miracle!

CORA:
Fill ye the new motels!

TOWNSPEOPLE:
It's a miracle that's going to change your life.
Come along and see the miracle -

CORA:
- And bring the wife!

TOWNSPEOPLE:
There's a miracle that's happening in this town,
And you'll never have to worry if you hurry on down!
There's a miracle that's going to change your life.
Come along and see the miracle and bring the wife!

CORA:
Are you looking for hope?

TOWNSPEOPLE:
Looking for hope...

CORA:
Hoping for an answer?

TOWNSPEOPLE:
Hoping for an answer...

CORA:
New life.

TOWNSPEOPLE:
New life...

CORA:
True happiness.

TOWNSPEOPLE:
True happiness...

CORA:
Come.

PILGRIMS (Murmuring):
Help.

CORA:
Come and take the water for a modest fee.
Come and take the waters and feel new.

PILGRIMS:
Feel new...

CORA:
Come and take the waters and with luck you'll be
Anything whatever except you.

PILGRIMS (Murmuring):
Comfort.

TOWNSPEOPLE:
Come and take the waters with humility.
Come and take the waters and feel new.

CORA:
Come and take the waters and with luck you'll be
Happy and successful!

PILGRIMS AND TOWNSPEOPLE:
Happy and successful!

CORA:
Liked and loved and beautiful and perfect!

PILGRIMS AND TOWNSPEOPLE:
Beautiful and perfect!

CORA:
Healthy, rich, handsome, independent,
Wise, adjusted and secure and athletic!

PILGRIMS:
Rainbow! Rainbow! Rainbow!
Rainbow! Rainbow! Rainbow!
Rainbow! Rainbow! Rainbow!
Rainbow!!!

ALL:
The Lord said. "Let there be water!"
The Lord said. "Turn on the font!"
The Lord said. "Let ye be what ye want!"
Our troubles are over!
Our troubles are over!!
Praise the Lord!
Look upon the gift and lift up your chin now!

CORA:
Look upon the boom - no room at the inn now!

ALL:
Glory Hallelu,
Our problems are through,
And thank you, Lord!
Thank you, Lord!

CORA:
They love me!

6. Fay's Arrival
NARRATOR:
Tourists came in droves for the miracle waters, which thrilled Cora until she discovered her miracle was a fake.

COOLEY:
Step up, brethern and sistern, and get your tickets!

MAGRUDER:
Buy your blessings!

COOLEY:
No, count your blessings, buy your tickets!

COOKIES:
I'm like the bluebird.
I should worry, I should care.
I should be a millionaire.
I'm like the bluebird...

NARRATOR:
And here - nine minutes to the dot - is our heroine.

FAY:
So that's the miracle?

COOLEY:
Yes, ma'am, Sister Nurse Apple.

SCHUB:
Do you think our miracle can do anything for your Cookies?

FAY:
If dirty water from a slimy old rock can do anything for anyone.

SCHUB:
You. You can't believe anything that can't be proved in your laboratory of a head! Al miracles are fake to you. Nurse Apple. Let these happy hopeful Pilgrims be lost and miserable again, Nurse Apple? Let this boom town be a ghost town again? Let those forty-nine loonies -

7. Cookie speech
FAY:
Not - that - word! Nor any word like it! Cookies. Schub, that's what my charges are: Cookies from the Cookies Jar. My name is Apple, A-Double P-L-E, a fruit well mentioned in the Bible, that best seller of many miracles. I cite the ten Commandments and the Burning Bush, to mention only two. Or eleven - depending upon the arithmetic. Mine makes them add up to zero because I personally am for the miracle of man such as the wheel, the alphabet and the Pyramids of Egypt! Now, why do I want my Cookies to take your waters? I'll tell you why. Because my Cookies are people, Schub. They are human beings and they are to be treated as such and have the same rights as everyone else! So you both can bloody well let them dip into that leaking drainpipe. If you don't I'm not saying I'll go to the police because I'm no fool, nor will I go to the Mayoress because she is. But this is a free town in a free county in a free state in a free country and I am a free woman with a free mouth and if you say no to my Cookies, I will open up that mouth and talk and I am telling you here and now that when I talk, I talk LONG - AND - LOUD!!!

8. There Won't Be Trumpets
FAY:
Those smug little men with their smug little schemes
They forgot one thing:
The play isn't over by a long shot yet!
There are heroes in the world,
Princes are heroes in the world,
And one of them will save us.
Wait and see!
Wait and see!

There won't be trumpets or bolts of fire
To say he's coming.
No Roman candles, no angels' choir,
No sound of distant drumming.
He may not be the cavalier,
Tall and graceful, fair and strong.
Doesn't matter, just as long as he comes along!
But not with trumpets or lightning flashing
Or shining armor.
He maybe daring, he may be dashing,
Or maybe he's a farmer.
We can wait, what's another day?
He has lots of hills to climb.
And a hero
Doesn't come till the nick of time!
Don't look for trumpets or whistles tooting
To guarantee him!
There won't be trumpets, but sure as shooting
You'll know him when you see him!

Don't know when, don't know where,
And I can't even say that I care!
All I know is, the minute you turn
And he's suddenly there,
There won't be trumpets!
There are no trumpets!
Who needs trumpets?

9. Hapgood's Arrival
NARRATOR:
Comptroller Schub is trying to sort out the confusion of Cookies and Pilgrims at the Miracle Rock when there is a clap of thunder, several flashes of lightning and - yes - a trumpet call. Our hero has arrived: J. Bowden Hapgood.

HAPGOOD:
Excuse me, but could you direct me to the Cookie Jar?

SCHUB:
What for? There's nobody there, they're all here. Now doctor, here's our problem in a nutshell.

CORA:
Oh, Schub!

SCHUB:
We must know immediately which of the people on that line are bona fide pilgrims entitle to take our miracle waters and which are -

HAPGOOD:
Cookies?

SCHUB:
Yes.

HAPGOOD:
Shall we dance?

SCHUB:
What the hell is this?

HAPGOOD:
I have to think, and I think best on my feet. And I must think up a quick way to discover who is who, and what is what and make everybody -

SCHUB:
Yes...?

HAPGOOD:
Happy, Mayor?

CORA:
You may. But how are you going to separate them?

HAPGOOD:
According to the principles of logic.

CORA:
Logic?

HAPGOOD:
It's quick and easy.
10. Simple (The Interrogation)
HAPGOOD:
Grass is green,
Sky is blue,
False is false and
True is true.
Who is who?
You are you,
I'm me!
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC.
Simple as one-two-three!

SCHUB:
But who on that line is what?

HAPGOOD:
One is one,
Two is two,
Who is what and
Which is who?
No one's always what they seem to be.

CORA:
That's certainly true.

HAPGOOD:
For example - you sir, with the manly good looks. Would you come forward please, Mr. Hapgood?

SCHUB:
I thought you were Hapgood.

HAPGOOD:
Calling the patient by my name, he identifies with me immediately, we have an instant transference and thereby save five years of psychoanalysis.

CORA:
Now that is brilliant! Now what happens if I call you Hoover Hooper?

HAPGOOD:
Shall we dance? No, we have. Now then, Mr. Hapgood -

GEORGE (THE YOUNG MAN):
Call me Happy, sir. Or George.

HAPGOOD:
All right, Georgie.

GEORGE:
Thank you, George.

HAPGOOD:
Thank you. Now when we were a child, that is, when you were a child, a boy - you were a boy?

GEORGE:
I was a manly little fellow, sir.

HAPGOOD:
Then I'm sure there was a saying you learned that you have used ever since to govern your life. A motto, a watchcry...

GEORGE:
A watchcry... yes, sir.
"I am the master of my fate
And the captain of my soul."
HAPGOOD:
Good, Hapgood! Now then: married?

GEORGE:
Yes, sir.

HAPGOOD:
Two children?

GEORGE:
Yes, sir.

HAPGOOD:
Two TV sets?

GEORGE:
Yes, sir.

HAPGOOD:
Two martinis?

GEORGE:
Yes, sir.

HAPGOOD:
Bank on Friday?

GEORGE:
Yes, sir.

HAPGOOD:
Golf on Saturday?

GEORGE:
Yes, sir.

HAPGOOD:
Church on Sunday?

GEORGE:
Yes, sir.

HAPGOOD:
Do you vote?

GEORGE:
Yes, sir.
Only for the man who wins.
Only for the man who wins.
Only for the man who -

HAPGOOD:
All right. Headaches?

GEORGE:
No, sir.

HAPGOOD:
Backaches?

GEORGE:
No, sir.

HAPGOOD:
Heartaches?

GEORGE:
No, sir.

HAPGOOD:
Thank, you, Hapgood. Group A. Over there, please.
SCHUB:
What's Group A?

CORA:
Obviously mad as a hatter.

SCHUB:
Magruder! Place the Cookie under arrest.

HAPGOOD:
Just a moment here. George - do you ever wonder whether you're real?

GEORGE:
Oh, no, sir. I know I'm not.

HAPGOOD:
Group One. Over there, please.

Grass is green,
Sky is blue,
Safe is sane and
Tired is true.
You be you and me to some degree.
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC.

CORA:
Well, is he safe or sane, Doctor?

SCHUB:
Safe is sane.

HAPGOOD:
Not always.
The opposite of safe is out.
The opposite of out is in.
So anyone who's safe is "in".

GEORGE:
That I've always been!

CORA, SCHUB, COOLEY AND MAGRUDER:
The opposite of safe is out.
The opposite of out is in.
So anyone who's safe is "in".

HAPGOOD:
That's how groups begin!

CORA, ET AL:
When you're in, you win!

HAPGOOD:
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC.

CORA, ET AL:
Simple? Simple? Simple?

HAPGOOD:
Simple as do you do like me?

CORA:
Well, I do indeed like you. The question is -

SCHUB:
The question is - jus a moment there.

GEORGE:
"I am the master of my fate
And the captain of my soul."
But my name isn't George, Doctor.

HAPGOOD:
What is it?

GEORGE:
Hapgood.

HAPGOOD:
Very good. Group A. Right here, please.

SCHUB:
What is it?

CORA:
I don't know, but it's brilliant.

SCHUB:
But which - which - just which group is what?

HAPGOOD:
It's very simple.
Grass is green,
Sky is blue,
A is one group,
One is too,
One is One or One is A, you see...

CORA:
Grass is green,
Sky is blue,
One is one and
A is too.
...
SCHUB:
No. A is One and
One is, too.
...
(The following is sung SIMULTANEOUSLY)
CORA:
No. One and One
Is always two
To me!
...
I don't agree!
A is you and
Me!

COOLEY:
...
No. One is green.
A is blue.
One can be
In A, you see.
A is crazy!
Maybe.

MAGRUDER:
...
...
No. A is green,
One is blue!
A is "out" and
One is "in"!
I agree.

SCHUB:
...
...
...
No. One is One.
A is one group.
Too.
See?

(They are interrupted by a WOMAN who sings in a strong cntralto and comes forward at HAPGOOD'S beckoning)

WOMAN:
(Very loud)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
Woman's place is in the home,

MAN:
A woman's place is in the house.

WOMAN:
And home is where you hang your hat,

MAN:
And that is where you hang your spouse.

WOMAN:
A woman's place is in the home...

HAPGOOD:
Dear Mr. And Mrs. Hapgood.

JUNE (THE WOMAN):
Oh, we're not married, Doctor. He's June and I'm John. I mean she's John and he's June.

JOHN (THE MAN):
June and John are engaged.

JUNE:
John's my secretary.

JOHN:
June used to be my secretary but his corporation went bust.

JUNE:
And her syndicate took over.

HAPGOOD:
Well, it would all be in the family if you got married.

JOHN:
Oh, but John can't support June.

JUNE:
Every cent John makes goes to pay for June's dinners.

HAPGOOD:
Why doesn't June gives John a raise?

JUNE:
He's not worth it.

HAPGOOD:
I see. And neither of you wants John to stay home and do the housekeeping because -

JOHN AND JUNE:
Because...

JOHN, JUNE AND HAPGOOD:
A woman's place is in the home,
A woman's place is on the shelf.
And home is where he hangs her hat,
And that is where she hangs himself.

CORA AND SCHUB:
Group-

HAPGOOD (TO JUNE):
A.

SCHUB:
Magruder!

HAPGOOD (TO JOHN):
One.

ALL (SIMULTANEOUSLY):
"A woman's place is in the home,
a woman's place is in the house."
"I'm the master of my fate
and the captain of my soul."
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."
"Beauty is only skin deep."
You can't make a silk purse out on a sow's ear."
"Fly now, pay later."
Never look a gift horse in the mouth."
"Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies."
"Handsome is as handsome does."
"You always hurt the one you love."
"Seeing is believing."

SCHUB:
Stop the music! A man crossed over.

HAPGOOD:
That was a woman.

SCHUB:
Oh.

CORA:
Group One. Ha ha ha ha ha!

SCHUB:
Now wait. Are they all Cookies? If you could produce someone who is sane, present company excluded, of course-

HAPGOOD:
Ah- good lad, Hapgood.
Watchcry?

MARTIN:
You can't judge a book by its cover.
No, you can't judge a book by its cover.
You can't judge a book
By how literate it look,
No, You can't judge a book by its cubber.

HAPGOOD:
Occupation?

MARTIN:
Going to schools, riding in buses, eating in restaurants.

HAPGOOD:
Isn't that line of work getting rather easy?

MARTIN:
Not for me. I'm Jewish ... Group A, would you say?
HAPGOOD:
Group one's more fun.

MARTIN:
Crazy.

CORA:
Group A?

SCHUB:
Group one?

CORA:
It's maddening.

SCHUB:
What's the difference between them?

HAPGOOD:
It's obvious:
The opposite of dark is bright,
The opposite of bright is dumb.
So anything that's dark is dumb-

MARTIN:
But they sure can hum.
The opposite of dark is bright,
The opposite of bright is dumb.

HAPGOOD AND CHORUS:
So anything that's dark is dumb.
That's the rule of thumb.

MARTIN:
Depends where you're from.

HAPGOOD:
Simple? Simple? Simple?

CHORUS:
Simple as A-B-C.

HAPGOOD:
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as NAACP!

MAN:
I get the point, Comptroller Hapgood.

SCHUB:
Oh, shut up and get in Group A.

CORA:
Who's that?

SCHUB:
It's my brother-in-law.

CORA:
But he's not a Pilgrim... And he's not a Cookie... Hapgood, what was he doing on the line?

HAPGOOD:
Who is what?
Which is who?
That is that and
How are you?
I feel fine, what else is new?

SCHUB:
Oh... Every fool wants a miracle.
Hapgood-

CORA:
Who is on the line...?

SCHUB:
Doctor, you are not doing what we want you to do!

CORA:
You are right! Now look here,
Hapgood... Darling-

Grass is green,
Sky is blue,
I'd join any group with you.
Schub's a boob and you belong to me!

CHORUS:
Simple? Simple?

CORA:
Simple as one-two-three.
One-two-three...

CROWD (VARIOUSLY):
Doctor, what group am I in? Where do I belong?
Where am I? Tell me where am I! Where am I?

SCHUB:
Doctor - Group A: Cookies? Or group one: Cookies?
The truth now - which - is - what?

HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!

GROUP A (SIMULTANEOUSLY):
"I am the master of my fate and-"
"A woman's place is in the-"
"If at first you don't succeed-"

HAPGOOD:
Rub your stomachs! Goo-ood... Goo-ood...
Watchcry!

GROUP ONE (SIMULTANEOUSLY):
"I am the master of my fate and-"
"A woman's place is in the-"
"Beauty is only skin-"

HAPGOOD:
Put your heads, Hello! Hello! Goo-ood... Hello! Hello!
Reverse! Goo-ood...Hello! Hello! That's goo-ood...
Goo-ood... Goo-ood... Comptroller.

SCHUB:
Dammit!

CORA:
I adore games!

HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!

CORA:
Hello!

SCHUB:
He's boring from within.

HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!

SCHUB:
Communist!

HAPGOOD:
You would say that,
The opposite of left is right.
The opposite of right is wrong.
So anyone who's left is wrong, right?

CROWD:
Goo...ood... Goo...ood...

HAPGOOD:
Hello!

CROWD:
Hello!

HAPGOOD:
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC.
Simple as one-two-three-

CHORUS:
-Cheers for the red, white and blue...

HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!

MAGRUDER:
Look here I'm the chief of-

HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!

MAGRUDER:
"Ours not to reason why,
Ours but to do or die."
Sergeant Magruder reporting, sir!
HAPGOOD:
Occupation?

MAGRUDER:
Fighting the enemy.

HAPGOOD:
What enemy?

MAGRUDER:
What year?

HAPGOOD:
Yesterday.

MAGRUDER:
The Germans: Heil!

HAPGOOD:
The day before.

MAGRUDER:
The Germans: Heil!

HAPGOOD:
Today.

MAGRUDER:
The Germans: Hail!

HAPGOOD:
Tomorrow.

MAGRUDER:
Hail! Heil! Hail?... Heil?... Hail?

HAPGOOD:
Group A.

MAGRUDER:
Heil?

HAPGOOD:
Group One.

COOLEY:
You're just making him seem crazy, but he's twisted.
I mean - he's been twisted.

HAPGOOD:
Grass is blue,
Sky is green,
Change of time is change of scene.
What you meant is what you mean.
Watchcry!

COOLEY:
Hallelujah!
No, I mean - now, Brother -

HAPGOOD:
Occupation:

COOLEY:
Preacher - er, I mean, Treasurer.

HAPGOOD:
Ah, you were a preacher, Hapgood.

COOLEY:
No, I'm a treasurer, Cooley-

HAPGOOD:
They threw you out of your pulpit-

COOLEY:
Yea... Brother!

HAPGOOD:
Because you were crazy.

COOLEY:
No, because I believed!

HAPGOOD:
In being treasurer?

COOLEY:
In God, and they only believed in religion.

HAPGOOD:
And that made you crazy, Hapgood.

COOLEY:
I am not crazy, Cooley!

HAPGOOD:
No, you're crazy. Hapgood.

COOLEY:
I am not Cooley, I mean - No, I am not crazy, I'm Hapgood!
HAPGOOD:
Are you sure?

COOLEY:
I am absolutely Schub!

SCHUB:
He's crazy.

HAPGOOD:
Thank you. Group A. Watchcry!
Watchcry!

GROUP ONE AND GROUP A (SIMULTANEOUSLY):
"I am the master of my fate and-"
"A woman's place is in the-"
"Beauty is only skin deep..."
"Never look a gift horse in the -"
"Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no -"
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of -"
"Seeing is believing. Seeing is believing!"
"You can fool some of the people-"
"An apple a day, an apple a day, an apple a day keeps the doctor-"
"Ours not to reason why, ours but to do or die..."

SCHUB:
I don't have one, Cooley!

HAPGOOD:
Aha...

SCHUB:
Hapgood, we are going to end this right now. My dear Treasurer, I mean, my dear Doctor - dammit! Now. Right now: which group is-

HAPGOOD:
Two questions.

SCHUB:
One answer.

HAPGOOD:
Just two little questions, Schub, and you'll know which group is what.
Where does most of your money go?

SCHUB:
I hardly think-

HAPGOOD:
Where does most of your money go, Hapgood?

SCHUB:
In taxes.

HAPGOOD:
Goo..ood... What do you think of someone who makes a product and doesn't use it?

SCHUB:
He's crazy.

HAPGOOD:
Hello! Hello!

CROWD:
Hello! Hello!

HAPGOOD:
Most of your money goes to the government in taxes.
What does the government do with most of the money?
Makes bombs. Reverse!
Goo..ood... Hello! Hello!

CHORUS:
Hello! Hello!

HAPGOOD:
But you say to make a product and not use it is crazy. Isn't that what you said, Comptroller Cooley? And that doesn't make you crazy for letting them waste your money, Treasurer Schub? Reverse! But perhaps the government is making bombs because it means to use the product. Which means everyone will be killed, Hapgood. Including you, Schub. Both together now! Which means you are paying most of your money to have yourself killed. Which means, my dear Doctor Comptroller Mayor Schub, you are the maddest of all!

HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!

SCHUB:
Help!

HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!

CORA:
Brilliant!

HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!

BOTH GROUPS (SIMULTANEOUSLY):
Grass is green.
Sky is blue.
The opposite of left is right.
The opposite of right is wrong.
So anyone who's left is wrong.
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as A-B-three.
Simple as one-two-C.
As grass is green
As sky is blue,
As simple as the opposite of left is right
Is wrong is right is A is One
Is A is One hello! Hello! Goo-od! Goo-od!
A is One! One is A!
Grass is who is opposite of what is green is safe is
Opposite of dark is opposite of simple which is
Watchcry! Watchcry! Watchcry! Watchcry!
One is One! Two is too!
Who is what and which is who?
Who is what? Which is who?
Which is who is who?
Who is who?!?

HAPGOOD:
You are all mad.

11. Entr'acte
NARRATOR:
Well, the whole town has gone absolutely mad for Hapgood. Still split into his two groups, they march merrily in and out and around the main square, singing his praise.

12. Hooray for Hapgood
GROUP A:
Hooray for A, the group that's well-adjusted,
Everyone can be trusted
In Group A!

GROUP ONE:
Have fun with One, the group that's not neurotic.
Everyone's patriotic
In Group One!

BOTH GROUPS:
Dignity, integrity and so on,
We haven't much to go on,
Still we go on.
We've a platform strong enough to grow on:

GROUP A:
Whenever they cheer, we're incensed!

GROUP ONE:
Whenever they're for, we're against!

GROUP A:
Hooray for Hapgood,
Hapgood can be trusted,
Friend of the well-adjusted
In Group A!...

NARRATOR:
Hapgood appears, carried aloft in Cora's litter, and they follow him out of the square, leaving it deserted - except for a dazzling redhead in dark glasses.

FAY:
Bonjour.

13. Come Play Wiz Me
FAY:
Docteur, Docteur, vous êtes charmant,

HAPGOOD:
Mademoiselle, vous aussi.

FAY:
You like my hair, yes? My lips, yes?
Ze sway of my-How you say? - Of my hips, yes?
You wish to play wiz me?
Okay wiz me,
Come out and play wiz me.

HAPGOOD:
Mademoiselle, vous êtes jolie.

FAY:
Docteur, Docteur, si gentil.
You like my style, yes ? My brand, yes ?
Ze lay of my-How you say?-Of my land, yes ?
You wish to play wiz me?
To stray wiz me,
Come out and play wiz me.

HAPGOOD:
Mademoiselle, vous êtes timide.

FAY :
Docteur, Docteur, you're so right.
I like your-How you say?-
Imperturbable perspicacity.
It isn't how you say, it's what you see!
We have ze lark, yes? Ze fling, yes?
Ze play is ze-How you say? -Is the thing, yes?
If you will play wiz me,
Mon cheri,
Though we may not agree
Today,
In time-
Mais oui! -
We may.

HAPGOOD:
I like your hair-

FAY:
Yes?

HAPGOOD:
Your lips-

FAY:
Yes?

HAPGOOD:
Ze sway of your-How you say? - Of your hips, yes?

FAY:
Yes?

HAPGOOD:
Come up and play wiz me.

FAY:
Come out and play wiz me.

BOTH:
Come on and play wiz me.

FAY:
Docteur, Docteur, let's play, Docteur...

HAPGOOD:
Mademoiselle, you're not well!
But I like your style-

FAY:
Yes?

HAPGOOD:
Your brand-

FAY:
Yes?

HAPGOOD:
Ze lay of your-How you say?-Of your land-

FAY:
Yes?

HAPGOOD:
I like your-How you say?-
Unmistakable authenticity!
It isn't how you say, it's what I see!

BOTH:
We have ze lark, yes? Ze fling, yes?
Ze play is ze-How you say?-Is the thing, yes?
If you will play wiz me,
Mon cheri,
Though we may not agree
Today,
In time-
Mais oui! -

HAPGOOD:
We may.

FAY:
Maybe-

HAPGOOD:
Bébé-

FAY:
Mais oui! -

BOTH:
We may!

14. Whistle Introduction
HAPGOOD:
Woman of science? You're a fake! You really want your Cookies to take those waters! You'd like to soak in them yourself!

FAY:
All right. Yes, I would. I need a miracle.
I can't laugh-not really. I can't whistle.

HAPGOOD:
Nonsense.

FAY:
No, it's true, I can't play the piano by ear. When I was little I walked into a music store, I sat down at a shiny grand piano-and I played. Well, you can take piano lessons, use a metronome, learn, control and order. But you can't take lessons in whistling. So-your woman of science. Every walk I take, every street, every year, I wait. My mouth waits-but I can't.

15. Anyone Can Whistle
FAY:
Anyone can whistle,
That's what they say-
Easy.
Anyone can whistle
Any old day-
Easy.
It's all so simple:
Relax, let go, let fly.
So someone tell me why
Can't I?
I can dance a tango,
I can read Greek-
Easy.
I can slay a dragon
Any old week-
Easy.
What's hard is simple.
What's natural comes hard.
Maybe you could show me
How to let go,
Lower my guard,
Learn to be free.
Maybe if you whistle,
Whistle for me.

I can slay a dragon
Any old week-
Easy.
What's hard is simple.
What's natural comes hard.
Maybe you could show me
How to let go,
Lower my guard,
Learn to be free.
Maybe if you whistle,
Whistle for me.

16. Hooray for Hapgood - Reprise
GROUP A:
Hooray for Hapgood,
Hapgood can be trusted,
Friend of the well-adjusted
In Group A!...

GROUP ONE:
Hooray for Hapgood,
Play a part with Hapgood,
Miracles start with Hapgood,
Gladden your heart with Hapgood!

BOTH GROUPS:
Join the parade with Hapgood!
No one's afraid with Hapgood!
Follow your star with Hapgood!
Know who you are with Hapgood!
Throw in your lot for Hapgood!
Everyone's hot for Hapgood!

17. A Parade in Town
CORA:
Hi!... Hey!... Wait!... Voters!...
I see flags, I hear bells,
There's a parade in town.
I see crowds, I hear yells,
There's a parade in town!
I hear drums in the air,
I see clowns in the square,
I see marchers marching,
Tossing hats at the sky.
Did you hear? Did you see?
Is a parade in town?
Well, they're out of step, the flutes are squeaky,
The banners are frayed.
Any parade in town without me
Must be a second-class parade!
So!... Ha!...

BOTH GROUPS:
Hapgood has no answers or suggestions,
Only a lot of questions.
We like questions!
What's the use of answers or suggestions?
As long as we're told where to go,
There isn't a thing we need to know!

CORA:
I see flags, I hear bells,
There's a parade in town.
I see crowds, I hear yells,
There's a parade in town!
I hear drums in the air,
I see clowns in the square,
I see marchers marching,
Tossing hats at the sky.
Did you hear? Did you see?
Was a parade in town?
Were there drums without me?
Was a parade in town?
'Cause I'm dressed at last,
at my best, and my banners are high.
Tell me, while I was getting ready,
Did a parade go by?

18. Transition - Tear Up Those Records
HAPGOOD:
Tear up those records.

FAY:
What?

HAPGOOD:
What's the easiest way to get rid of a nurse? Get rid of her patients.
Tear 'em up. I'll show you how.

FAY:
No! Don't!

19. Everybody Says Don't

HAPGOOD:
Everybody says don't,
Everybody says don't,
Everybody says don't-
It isn't right,
Don't-it isn't nice!
Everybody says don't,
Everybody says don't,
Everybody says don't walk on the grass,
Don't disturb the peace,
Don't skate on the ice.
Well, I
Say
Do,
I say,
Walk on the grass, it was meant to feel!
I
Say
Sail!
Tilt at the windmill,
And if you fail, you fail.
Everybody says don't,
Everybody says don't,
Everybody says don't get out of line.
When they say that, then
Lady that's a sign:
Nine times out of ten,
Lady, you are doing just fine!

Make just a ripple.
Come on be brave.
This time a ripple,
Next time a wave
Sometimes you have to start small,
Climbing the tiniest wall,
Maybe you're going to fall-
But it is better than not starting at all!
Everybody says no,
Everybody says stop.
Everybody says mustn't rock the boat,
Mustn't touch a thing!
Everybody says don't,
Everybody says wait,
Everybody says can't fight city hall,
Can't upset the cart,
Can't laugh at the king!
Well, I
Say
Try!
I
Say
Laugh at the kings or they'll make you cry.
Lose
Your
Poise!
Fall if you have to,
But lady, make a noise!
Everybody says don't,
Everybody says can't,
Everybody says wait around for miracles,
That's the way the world is made!
I insist on
Miracles, if you do them,
Miracles - nothing to them!
I say don't,
Don't be afraid!

20. I've Got You to Lean On
SCHUB:
Now why did the miracle go dry?

MAGRUDER:
'Cause we turned the water off, is why.

CORA:
Idiot!

SCHUB:
Fool!

COOLEY:
Oaf!

SCHUB:
Moron!

CORA:
Idiot!

SCHUB:
Dolt!

CORA:
Idiot!

SCHUB:
We didn't turn it off, you see,
'Cause we didn't turn it on, not we-

MAGRUDER:
Who did?

SCHUB (points upward):
He did.

CORA:
He did?

COOLEY:
He did.

MAGRUDER:
You did.

SCHUB:
He did.

CORA AND COOLEY:
He did!

ALL (Overlapping):
Just what we needed!
Just what we needed!

SCHUB:
Now, why did he turn it off so quick?
A sign that our little town is sick.

CORA:
Brilliant!

COOLEY:
Clever!

MAGRUDER:
Good!

CORA:
Brilliant!

MAGRUDER:
Brilliant!

COOLEY:
Brilliant!

SCHUB:
Sick people running wild, no less,
And who is responsible?
One guess.

MAGRUDER:
Who?

CORA:
Doctor Hapgood.

COOLEY:
Doctor Hapgood.

ALL:
Hallelujah, Brother, cheers and acclaim!
Hallelujah, we've got someone to blame!
Hallelujah, praise the Lord and amen!

CORA:
Schub, you've done it again!
Whenever my world falls apart,
I never lose hope or lose heart.
Whatever the form
Of the storm
That may brew,
I've got you to lean on.
When everything's hopelessly gray,
You'll notice I'm youthfully gay!
There isn't a sing-
Le great thing
I can't do.
Not with you to lean on,
Darling you!
With you to depend on, I'll never quit.
There isn't a murder I couldn't commit.
I feel like a love-
Ly girl of
Twenty-two!
I've got you to lean on!

SCHUB:
I've got you to lean on!

COOLEY:
I've got you to lean on!

MAGRUDER:
I've got-

SCHUB:
Now, what shall we label him, my friends?
A phrase that rabble comprehends...

COOLEY:
"Religious pervert."

MAGRUDER:
Brilliant!

SCHUB:
Terrible!

MAGRUDER:
Terrible!

SCHUB:
Idiot!
A phrase with a little more finesse...
Obscene but inspiring...
Ah, yes-

MAGRUDER:
Yes?

SCHUB:
"Enemy of heaven."

CORA:
Heaven...

MAGRUDER:
Heaven...

COOLEY:
Heaven!

ALL:
Heaven!

COOLEY:
Enemy of God!
Enemy of the church!

OTHERS (Overlapping):
Enemy of heaven!
Enemy of God!
Enemy of the church!
Enemy of the Pilgrims!
Enemy of heaven!

ALL:
Hallelujah, all our problems are through!
Hallelujah, that's what teamwork can do!
Hallelujah, Brothers, pull on the oars!

CORA:
Schub, my kingdom is yours.
Whenever my world falls to dust,
I've always got someone to trust.
Whatever the sort
Of support
That I need,
I've got you to lean on.


MEN:
When everything's hollow and black,
You'll always have us at your back.
No matter how hollow,
We'll follow
Your lead-
And with us to lean on, we'll succeed!

CORA:
What comfort it is to have always known
That if they should catch me, I won't go alone.
I'll always give credit
Where credit
Is due-
I've got you to lean on!

MEN:
I've got you to lean on!

CORA:
I've got you to lean on!

21. Transition - See What It Gets You
FAY:
We can stop them by telling the town about the pump.

HAPGOOD:
You might as well tell them there is no God.

FAY:
But we know that that miracle is a fake.

HAPGOOD:
But it works, Fay. Like a miracle.

FAY:
So... So what-do nothing?

HAPGOOD:
No. Admit you've lost.

FAY:
To hell with you. I haven't!

22. See What It Gets You
FAY:
Take one step
And see what it gets you.
See what it gets you.
See what it gets you!
One step up
And see how it gets you
Down.
Give yourself,
If somebody lets you-
See what it gets you.
See what it gets you!
Give yourself,
And somebody lets you
Down.
Here's how to crawl,
Now, run, lady!
Here's how to walk.
Now fly!
Here's how to feel-Have fun, lady.
And a fond goodbye!
Reach out your hand
And see what it gets you.
See what it gets you.
See what it gets you!
Trouble is, whatever it gets,
You find
That once you see, you can't stay blind.
What do I do now.
Now that my eyes are wide?
But when the world goes mad,
Then they've got to be shown.
And when the hero quits,
Then you're left on your own.
And when you want things done,
You have to do them yourself alone!
And if I'm not ready
And lightheaded,
I can't stand here dumb.
So, ready or not, here-I hope-I come!

Anyone can whistle, that's what they say-
Easy.
Anyone can whistle any old day-
Easy.
It's all so simple: relax, let go, let fly.
And someone tell me, why can't I?
Whistle at the dragon: down it'll fall.
-Easy.
Whistle at a hero, trumpets and all
-Easy.
Just once I'll do it,
Just once before I die.
Lead me to the battle,
What does it take?
Over the top!
Joan at the stake!
Anyone can whistle-
(She tries unsuccessfully)
Well, no one can say
I didn't try!

23. Transition - Cookie Arrest
CORA:
Places, everyone. It's lock up time!
Synchronize your watches.
Surround the square. Arrest that crazy lady. No, not Mrs. Schroeder-the other crazy lady. She is a fugitive from the Cookie Jar. Well done, gentlemen, and from now on I want every man among you to be on your toes!
24. The Cookie Chase
CORA:
Lock 'em up! Put 'em away
In the Jar!
Time to start getting the nets out!
Lock 'em up!
Into the cage!
Quietly: no one must know.
Cart 'em of into the bin,
Turn the key.
Quick before anyone gets out!
Turn the key, throw it away,
There we are. Forty-eight to go!

Detmold! Check in your patients.

DETMOLD:
Yes, Your Honor? Your name, Madame?

OLD LADY:
This doesn't fit. It's much too big, I wear a size three-well, maybe a four.

DETMOLD:
Did you always hate your father?

CORA:
Detmold, arrest her now and convict her later. There is really only one question that needs answering:
Are they breathing? Then they're Cookies.
Are they moving? Then they're Cookies.
Are they living? Then they're Cookies.
So get on with it! Quick, get on with it!
Are they human? Then they're Cookies.
So shut up, my dear Doctor, and shut up her too!
Lookie, lookie, here comes Cookie
Now.
Naughty Cookie, playing hookey-
That we don't allow.
Cigarette?
Light?
Thanks.
Get them.
You take the key, my love,
I'm too exhausted to move!
Music, I must have music,
A moment's music or my head will burst!
I know you'll meet the test-
You've been well rehearsed.
Do your best
(Meaning do your worst),
Let me rest
And remember, Schubchen:
Women and children first!

CORA, SCHUB, COOLEY AND MAGRUDER:
Hmm...
Lock 'em up! Put 'em away
In the Jar!
Time to start getting the nets out!
Lock 'em up!
Into the cage!
Quietly: no one must know.

QUARTET AND ENSEMBLE:
Lock 'em up! Put 'em away
In the Jar!
Time to start getting the nets out!
Lock 'em up!
Into the cage!
Quietly: no one must know.
Cart 'em of into the bin,
Turn the key.
Quick before anyone gets out!
Turn the key, throw it away,
There we are. Forty-two to go!

FAY:
Ooh, la, la. Monsieur Schub.

SCHUB:
Not yet gone back to Lourdes yet?

FAY:
Non.

SCHUB:
Pourquoi pas?

FAY:
Pourquoi you hold ze key to my heart.

25. There's always a woman
CORA:
Cherchez la femme.
There's always a woman
To spoil the illusion,
The rotten banana
That ruins the bunch.
There's always a woman
Who causes confusion.
There's nothing as low as a woman.
We must lunch.

FAY:
Love to.

CORA:
Noonish?

FAY:
Tomorrow.

CORA:
Today.

FAY:
My place?

CORA:
Mine.

FAY:
There's always a woman,
The one disappointment.
The note that goes sour
And gums up the tune,
The ant at the picnic,
The fly in the ointment.
There's nothing so slow as a woman.
Ring me soon!

CORA:
Love to.

FAY:
'Voir.

CORA:
Leaving?

FAY:
I thought...

CORA:
I know.

FAY:
I tried.

BOTH:
It's always a woman,
The counterfeit check,

FAY:
The snake in the woodpile,

CORA:
The pain in the neck.

BOTH:
The sand in the oyster
That isn't a pearl.
There's nothing as low as a woman...
Darling girl.

CORA:
Pet!

FAY:
Lamb!

CORA:
Dove!

FAY:
Fish.

CORA:
The run in the stocking,
The snag in the zipper,
The weather in London,
The water in France.
It's always a woman.
It's Jacqueline the Ripper.
There's nothing as low as a woman.
Shall we dance?

FAY:
Waltz?

CORA:
Rhumba?

FAY:
Cancan?

CORA:
Tango?

FAY:
Schottische?

CORA:
Gavotte?

FAY:
Cha-cha?

CORA:
Tap?

FAY:
Bolero?

CORA:
Polka?

FAY:
Bridge?

CORA:
Two hearts.

FAY:
Three clubs.

CORA:
I pass.

FAY:
There's always a woman,
A crimp in the writing,
The hole in the sidewalk,
The gum on the shoe.
She almost looks human-
It must be the lighting.
Whatever it is, it's a woman.
How are you?

CORA:
Fine.

FAY:
Pity.

BOTH:
It's always a woman,

FAY:
The hand in the hill,

CORA:
The five dollar diamond,

FAY:
the three-dollar bill.

BOTH:
A genius for trickery
That's second to none.
There's nothing as low as a woman.
Isn't this fun?

CORA:
Lovely.

FAY:
Charming.

CORA:
Delicious.

FAY:
Stunning.

CORA:
Fabulous.

FAY:
Gorgeous.

BOTH:
Exquisite.

CORA, FAY (Alternately):
A knife would be perfect-
A gun would be perfect-
It's quick and it's quiet.
At least I could try it.
I hear they do wonders
And you can do wonders
With poisonous gas.
With silvers of glass,
There's always the quarry-
There's always curare-
She'd never be found.
I have some around.
A noose is efficient-
Bamboo is efficient-
She won't make a sound.
As long as it's ground.
Whatever will do it,
Whatever will do it,
If anything will.
If anything will.

BOTH:
There's nothing as low as a woman.

CORA:
Sneak.

FAY:
Thief.

CORA:
Cheat.

FAY:
Crook.

CORA:
Frump.

FAY:
Fake.

CORA:
Bore.

FAY:
Bag.

CORA:
Leech.

FAY:
Crone.

CORA:
Witch.

FAY:
Ghoul.

BOTH:
Police!
Shoot to kill!
26. Transition - With So Little to Be Sure Of
HAPGOOD:
Come with me Fay.

FAY:
My cookies need someone to take care of them.

HAPGOOD:
That's an excuse. Come on, where's your wig?

FAY:
You wouldn't want me like that.

HAPGOOD:
Four wives: they all tried to change me. The girls who don't are the girls you don't marry.

FAY:
You like my hair, yes? My lips, yes?
Ze sway of my-How you say-
Of my hips...
Yes?
You don't leave me with anything.

HAPGOOD:
I'm sorry. For me it was marvelous.

FAY:
Marvelous?

27. With So Little to Be Sure Of
HAPGOOD:
With so little to be sure of,
If there's anything at all.
If there's anything at all.
I'm sure of here and now and us together.
All I'll ever be I owe you,
If there's anything to be.
Being sure enough of you
Makes me sure enough of me.
Thanks for everything we did,
Everything that's past,
Everything's that's over too fast.
None of it was wasted,
All of it will last:
Everything that's here and now and us together!
It was marvelous to know you
And it isn't really through.
Crazy business this, this life we live in-
Can't complain about the time we're given-
With so little to be sure of in this world,
We had a moment!
A marvelous moment!

FAY:
A marvelous moment!
A beautiful time.

I need you more than I can say.
I need you more than just today.
I guess I need you more than you need me.
And yet I'm happy.
All I'll ever be I owe you.

HAPGOOD:
The more I memorize your face,

FAY:
If there's anything to be.

HAPGOOD:
The more I never want to leave.

FAY:
Being sure enough of you
Made me sure enough of me.

HAPGOOD:
Come with me, Fay.
(The following is sung
SIMULTANEOUSLY)

FAY:
Thanks for everything we did,
...
Everything that's past,
Everything's that's over
Too fast.
None of it was wasted.
...
All of it will last:
...

HAPGOOD:
...
There's more to love
In me right now
Than all the bit of love
I've known before.
...
None of it was wasted.
...
All of it will last:

BOTH:
Everything that's here and now and us together!
It was marvelous to know you
And it's never really through.
Crazy business this, this life we live in-
Can't complain about the time we're given-
With so little to be sure of in this world,

FAY:
Hold me.
Hold me.

28. Finale
NARRATOR:
Good Lord! This time, the water really is coming out of the rock! I can see it. Can't you?

COMPANY:
Crazy business this, this life we live in-
Can't complain about the time we're given-
With so little to be sure of in this world,
Hold me.
Hold me.