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Calamity Jane (stage)

Music by Sammy Fain Lyrics by Paul Francis Webster Adapted by Ronald Hanmer and Phil Park from the stage play by Charles K. freeman after The Warner Bros. Film written by James O'Hanlon Opened 1953

ACT ONE
Overture
The Deadwood Stage
Careless With The Truth
Adelaide
Ev'ryone Complains About The Weather
Men!
Can-Can (instrumental)
Hive Full Of Honey
I Can Do Without You
Opening Scene 2
It's Harry I'm Planning To Marry
It's Harry I'm Planning To Marry (reprise)
Windy City
Keep It Under Your Hat
Keep It Under Your Hat (reprise)
Finale Act One
ACT II
Entr'acte
A Woman's Touch
Higher Than A Hawk
The Black Hills Of Dakota
The Black Hills Of Dakota (reprise)
Love You Dearly
My Secret Love
Finale

 THE DEADWOOD STAGE
CALAMITY: Oh, the Deadwood stage is a-rollin' on over the plains, with the curtains flappin' and the driver slappin' the reins. A beautiful sky! A wonderful day! Whipcrack away, whipcrack away, whipcrack away! Oh, the Deadwood stage is a-headin' on over the hills. Where the Injun' arrows are thicker than porcupine quills, dangerous land! No time to delay! So whipcrack away, whipcrack away, whipcrack away! We're headin' straight for town, loaded down with a fancy cargo, care of Wells and Fargo, Illinois, boy! Oh, the Deadwood stage is a-comin' on over the crest, like a homing pigeon that's a-hankerin' after it's nest. Twenty-three miles we've covered today, so whipcrack away, whipcrack away, whipcrack away! The wheels go turnin' round, homeward bound, can't you hear 'em hummin'? Happy times are comin' fer to stay, hey! We'll be home tonight by the light of the silvery moon, and my hearts a-thumpin' like a mandolin a-plunkin' a tune. When I get home I'm fixin' to stay, so whipcrack away, whipcrack away, whipcrack away! Whipcrack away, whipcrack away, whipcrack away! SHERIFF: Here they be! Here they be! How's about a welcome? A peaceful sorta welcome for the gang? "BANG!" [they all shoot their guns] CALAMITY: Oh, the Deadwood stage is finally home again. GUY: Well, excuse my stammerin' (??), if it ain't Calamity Jane! 2ND GUY: Hiya, Calam! What'd ya bring us today? 3RD GUY: New rubber boots? 2ND GUY: Ten dollar suits? WOMAN: Things to crochet? CALAMITY: Beads that sparkle like a prism, snake oil for your rheumatism. Calico and gingham fer the girls. Gumdrops made up in Chicag-y, gumdrops just a trifle soggy! And a genuine string of artificial pearls. Here's a hat from Cincinnati, same as Adelina Patti wore in every famous concert hall. Cast your eye on Dr. Boris pantent-pending hair restorer, guaranteed to grow hair on a billiard ball! .....Introducing Henry Miller, just as busy as a fizzy sarsaparilla. He's a showman , and he's smarter, operates the Golden Garter where the cream of Deadwood city come to dine. And I'm glad to say he's a very good friend of mine. Hi Joe! Say, where'd you get them fancy clothes? I know, off some feller's laundry line! Hi Beau, aren't you the prairie rose, smelling like a watermelon vine! Here's a man the sheriff watches. On his gun there's more'n twenty seven notches. On the draw there's no on faster, and you're flurtin' with disaster when Bill Hickok's reputation you malign. And I'm glad to say he's a very good friend, of a friend of mine! Oh, my throat's as dry as a desert thistle in May, in the Golden Garter, gonna wet my whistle today. Last to the bar's a three legged crow, set 'em up Joe, set 'em up Joe, set 'em up Joe! JOE: Drinks on the house! Drinks on the house! CALAMITY: Set 'em up Joe! CARELESS WITH THE TRUTH CALAMITY: Did I tell ya 'bout the time that I was captured by a score or more Of Cherokee and Chicakasaw, A-fixin' for to scalp me just fer play. Well, I just jumped upon a buffalo, Pulled off his horn and blew it, So a regiment from Idaho Come on to save the day. In honour of me the President put a Buffalo on the nickel and an Injun on the cent. [Men] Ha, ha, ha ,ha, Ha, ha, ha, ha! [Bill Hickock] Tell us another one, Tell us another one, Oh my achin' tooth, She's not exactly lyin', But she's careless with the truth! [Bill and Men] Careless! Careless! Careless with the truth! She's not exactly lyin' But she's careless with the truth! CALAMITY: Did I tell ya 'bout the time last week, I'm herdin' cows at Cripple Creek, When all at once I see two hungry lookin' Grizzlies on each side of me. Well, I just wasn't in the mood to trifle Grabbin' up my huntin' rifle I let go with both the barrels, Neatest shot you see! One bullet went North the other South, Shot one of 'em through the tail and shot the other through the mouth! [Men] Ha, ha, ha ,ha, Ha, ha, ha, ha! [Bill] Tell us another one, Tell us another one, Oh my achin' tooth, She's not exactly lyin', But she's careless with the truth! [Bill and Men] Careless! Careless! Careless with the truth! She's not exactly lyin' But she's careless with the truth! [Calamity] Did I tell ya 'bout the time last fall, I'm loggin' trees at Lake St. Paul; And there I see an oak so tall, T'would take a bird a day to reach the top. Well, I start swingin' with my trusty axe And suddenly that oak tree cracks And up against another smacks And down they come kerflop! Believe me or not I tell you pards, The rest of the forest folded up just like a deck of cards! [Men] Ha, ha, ha ,ha, Ha, ha, ha, ha! [Bill] Tell us another one, Tell us another one, Oh my achin' tooth, She's not exactly lyin', But she's careless with the truth! [Bill and Men] Careless! Careless! Careless with the truth! She's not exactly lyin' But she's careless with the truth! I'VE GOT A HIVE FULL OF HONEY FRANCES: I've got two wonderful arms, I've got two wonderful lips, I'm over twenty one, and I'm free! Oh, I've got a hive full of honey for the right kind of honey bee. I'm not the glamorous type, but I'm the amorous type, you'll love the way I fit on your knee. Oh, I've got a hive full of honey for the right kind of honey bee. My daddy owns a railroad, and my maw is a millionaire, and besides I'm an only child, do you think you could learn to care? If you're the one I adore come on and get it before somebody shakes it down from the tree. I've got a hive full of honey for the right kind of honey bee. I got two wonderful arms, I got two wonderful lips, I'm over twenty one, and I'm free! Oh, I've got a hive full of honey for the right kind of honey bee! I COULD DO WITHOUT YOU CALAMITY: In the summer you're the winter, in the finger you're the splinter! In the banquet you're the stew, say! I could do without you! BILL: In the garden you're the gopher, in the levi's you're the lopher(?)! Like an overturned canoe, well! I could do without you! CALAMITY: You can go to Philedelphia, take the hack to Hackensack, hey, I'll never ring a bell for ya, or yell for ya to come back! BILL: In the question you're the why, in the ointment you're the fly! CALAMITY: Though I know some things are indespensable, like a buck or two, if there's one thing I can do without, I can do without you! BILL: In the barrel you're a pickle, in the goldmine you're a nickel! You're the tack inside my shoe, yes! I can do without you! CALAMITY: In my bosom you're a dagger, you're a mangy carpetbagger! In the theatre you're the "BOO"! I can do without you! BILL: You got charms, they ain't bewitchin' me. You've a face no one would paint! CALAMITY: I've got the ??????(if you know what she says there, please tell me!) to be wherever you ain't! BILL: In the bullfrog you're the croak CALAMITY: In the forest, poison oak! BILL: Though I know some things are necessary, my half-pint buckaroo, if there's one thing I can do without, I can do without -- CALAMITY: You're a knothead! BILL: You're a faker! CALAMITY: You're a bonehead! BILL: Troublemaker! BOTH: I can do without you! IT'S HARRY I'M PLANNING TO MARRY ADELAID ADAMS: When you turn to the subject of Harry, that's a horse from a different safari. He can box like a fox, he's as dumb as an ox, but it's Harry I'm planning to marry. CHORUS: Yes, it's Harry she's planning to marry. ADELAID: My heart's twined around his suspenders, he's the one that I truly adore. I'm numb, I succumb when he renders the face on the bar room floor. When he flexes his muscles, I flutter like a butterfly caught in a shutter. When he calls me his mate, I just disintegrate, since the world first began CHORUS: Since the world first began ADELAID: never been such a man CHORUS: Never been such a man ADELAID: who could love like he can (chorus joins) so it's Harry I'm planning to marry! WINDY CITY CALAMITY: I just blew in from the windy city, the windy city is mighty perdy, but they ain't got what we got, no sirree. They've got shacks up to seven stories, never see any morning glories, but a step from our doorway, we got 'em fer free. They've got those minstrel shows, perdy ladies in the big chapeau's. Private lawns, public parks, for the sake of civic virtue, they've got foutains there that squirt you. I just blew in from the windy city, the windy city is mighty pretty, but they ain't got what we got. I'm telling you, boys, we got more life in Deadwood city than in all of Illinois! On the street was a dancing feller, all dressed up in a suit of yeller, and the dance that he did there went something like this. Whistle. "guys start whistling" More. [DANCE SCENE] CALAMITY: You shoulda seen me a-winder shopping, a-winder shopping with eyes a-poppin' at the sights that you see there, yes sirree. Press a bell and a moment later, up you go in an elevator just as fast as a polecat a-climbin' a tree. I heard claim hundreds came to a thing they call a baseball game! Cigar stores, revolving doors, men wear sideburns and they oughter 'cause a haircut cost a quarter. I just blew in from the windy city, the windy city is mighty perdy, but they ain't got what we got. I'm telling ya boys, I ain't a-swappin' half of Deadwood for the whole of Illinois! KEEP IT UNDER YOUR HAT KATIE: Well, now, if you've got a cutie who's a real sweet patootie, better keep it under your hat. Just remember curiousity and fables of old killed the curious cat. Supposin' you love a laddie who's a sweet sugar daddy, better take in the welcoming mat! Remember there's a dozing dolls for every Dan, you're not the only sweet pea in the can, so if you wanna know the way to keep your man, keep it under your hat. Keep it under your hat! If you wanna know the way to keep your man, keep it under your hat. Keep it under your hat! Keep it under your hat. Keep it under your hat. HIGHER THAN A HAWK BILL: My heart is higher than a hawk, my love is deeper than a well, I'm thinkin' in a little while my lovin' I'll be doin' very well. An owl is givin' me the eye, the wind is blowin' me a kiss, I wouldn't be at all surprised if I were only dreamin' all of this. And when I strut about like a Sunny Jim, dressed in yeller and red, folks'll shout, "Take a look at him! He's ??? in the head!" I said that I would never fall, I laughed at others when they fell, and here I'm falling, higher than a hawk, and deeper than a well. And when we're all rigged out like a birthday cake, eyes'll pop everywhere. Folks'll shout, "Don't you think they make a wonderful pair?" I said that I would never fall, but if you promise not to tell, my love for you is higher than a hawk, and deeper than a well. THE BLACK HILLS OF DAKOTA BILL: Take me back to the black hills, the black hills of Dakota. To the beautiful Indian country that I love. CALAMITY: Lost my heart in the black hills, the black hills of Dakota, where the pines are so high that they kiss the skies above. ALL 4: And when I get that lonesome feeling, and I'm miles away from home, I hear the voice of the mystic mounains calling me back home. CALAMITY AND BILL: So take me back to the black hills, the black hills of Dakota. To the beautiful indian country that I love. CHORUS: Take me back to the black hills, the black hills of Dakota. To the beautiful Indian country that I love. BILL: Lost my heart in the black hills CALAMITY AND BILL: the black hills of Dakota, where the pines are so high that they kiss the skies above. And when I get that lonesome feeling, and I'm miles away from home, I hear the voice of the mystic mounains calling me back home. ALL: So take me back to the black hills, the black hills of Dakota. To the beautiful indian country that I love. BILL AND CALAMITY: To the beautiful Indian country that I love. MY SECRET LOVE CALAMITY: Once I had a secret love that lived within the heart of me, all too soon my secret love became impatient to be free. So I told a friendly star, the way that dreamers often do, just how wonderful you are, and why I'm so in love with you. Now I shout it from the hills, even told the golden daffodils. At last my heart's an open door, and my secret love's no secret anymore.... Now I shout it from the hills, even told the golden daffodills. At last my heart's an open door, and my secret love's no secret anymore. FINALE Secret Love, The Windy City, Higher Than a Hawk, Deadwood Stage (reprise) CALAMITY: Now I shout it from the highest hills, even told the golden daffodils. At last my heart's an open door, and my secret love's no secret anymore. KATIE: Ain't going back to the windy city, the windy city is mighty pretty, but it ain't got what I've got, I'm telling you boys, I wouldn't trade this golden nugget for the whole of Illinois. BILL: My heart is higher than a hawk, my love is deeper than a well, I'm thinkin' in a little while my lovin' I'll be doin' very well.... We'll be home tonight by the light of the silvery moon. CALAMITY: And my hearts a-thumpin' like a mandolin a-plunkin' a tune. BOTH: When we get home we're fixin' to stay, so whipcrack away, whipcrack away, whipcrack away! CHORUS: Oh, the Deadwood stage is a-rollin' on over the plains, with the curtains flappin' and the driver slappin' the reins. A beautiful sky! A wonderful day! Whipcrack away, whipcrack away, whipcrack away! Whipcrack away, whipcrack away, whipcrack away!!!!