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Chicago

ALL THAT JAZZ


VELMA
Come on babe
Why don't we paint the town?
And all that Jazz

I'm gonna rouge my knees
And roll my stockings down
And all that jazz

Start the car
I know a whoopee spot
Where the gin is cold
But the piano's hot

It's just a noisy hall
Where there's a nightly brawl
And all
That
Jazz

Slick your hair
And wear your buckle shoes
And all that Jazz

I hear that Father Dip
Is gonna blow the blues
And all that Jazz

Hold on, hon
We're gonna bunny hug
I bought some aspirin
Down at United Drug
I case you shake apart
And want a brand new start
To do that-

VELMA AND COMPANY
Jazz

COMPANY
Skidoo!

VELMA
And all that Jazz

COMPANY
Hotcha!
Whoopee!

VELMA
And all that Jazz

COMPANY
Ha! Ha! Ha!

It's just a noisy hall
Where there's a nightly brawl

ALL
And all that jazz

CASELY(spoken)
Listen, your husband ain't home, is he?

VELMA
(Spoken)No, her husband is not at home.

Find a flask
We're playing fast and loose

ALL
And all that jazz

VELMA
Right up here
Is where I store the juice

ALL
And all that jazz

VELMA
Come on, babe
We're gonna brush the sky
I bet you luck Lindy
Never flew so high
'Cause in the stratosphere
How could he lend an ear
to all that Jazz?

COMPANY
Oh, you're gonna see your sheba shimmy shake

VELMA
And all that jazz

COMPANY
Oh, she's gonna shimmy 'till her garters break

VELMA
And all that jazz

COMPANY
Show her where to park her girdle
Oh, her mother's blood'd curdle
If she'd hear her baby's queer
For all that jazz

VELMA                                    COMPANY
And All that jazz                        Oh, you're gonna see
Come on, babe                            Your
Why Don't we paint                       Sheba
The town?                                Shimmy shake
And all that jazz                        And all that jazz
I'm gonna                                Oh
Rouge my knees                           She's gonna shimmy
And roll my                              'Till her garters
Stockings down                           Break
And all that jazz                        And all that jazz

Start the car                            Show her where to
I know a whoopee spot                    Park her girdle
Where the gin is cold                    Oh, her mother's blood'd
But the piano's hot                      Curdle
It's just a noisy hall                   If she'd hear
Where there's a nightly brawl            Her baby's queer
And all that jazz                        For all that jazz

ROXIE(Spoken)
So that's it, huh Fred?

CASELY(Spoken)
yeah, I'm afraid so, Roxie.

ROXIE(Spoken)                                       GIRLS(Spoken)
Oh, Fred...                                         Oh, Fred...

CASELY(Spoken)
Yeah?

ROXIE(Spoken)
Nobody walks out on me.

CASELY(Spoken)
Sweetheart-

ROXIE(Spoken)
Oh, don't "sweetheart" me,
you son-of-a-bitch!

COMPANY
Hotcha!
Whoopee!
Jazz!

ROXIE(Spoken)
Oh, I gotta pee!

VELMA
No, I'm no one's wife
But, Oh, I love my life
And all that Jazz!

COMPANY
That Jazz!



FUNNY HONEY


ROXIE
Sometime's I'm right
Sometime's I'm wrong
But he doesn't care
He'll String along
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine

Sometime's I'm down
Sometime's I'm up
But he follows 'round
Like some droopy-eyed pup
He love me so
That sunny honey of mine

He ain't no sheik
That's no great physique
Lord knows, he ain't got the smarts

Oh, but look at that soul
I tell you, the whole
Is a whole lot greater than
The sum of his parts

And if you knew him like me
I know you'd agree
What if the world
Slandered my name?
Why, he'd be right there
Taking the blame

He loves me so
And it all suits me fine
That funny, sunny, honey
Hubby of mine


AMOS(Spoken)
A man's got a right to protect his home
and his loved ones, right?

FOGARTY(Spoken)
Of course, he has.

AMOS(Spoken)
Well, I came in from the garage, Officer, and I
see him coming through the window.  With my
wife Roxanne there, sleepin'...like an angel...

ROXIE                                                AMOS(Spoken)
He loves me so                                       ...an angel!
That funny honey of mine

AMOS(Spoken)
I mean supposin', just supposin', he had violated
her or somethin'...you know what I mean...
viloated?

FOGARTY(Spoken)
I know what you mean...

AMOS(Spoken)
...or somethin'. Think how terrible that would have been.  
It's a good thing I came home from work on time, I'm tellin' ya that! I say I'm tellin' ya that!

ROXIE
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine

FOGARTY(Spoken)
Name of deceased... Fred Casely.

AMOS(Spoken)
Fred Casely.  How could he be a burglar?
My wife knows him! He sold us our furniture!

ROXIE
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts

AMOS(Spoken)
She lied to me. She told me he was a burglar!

FOGARTY(Spoken)
You mean he was dead when you got home?

AMOS(Spoken)
She had him covered with a sheet and she's givin'
me that cock and bull story abou this burglar, and
I ought to say that I did it 'cause I was sure to get off.
Burglar, huh!

ROXIE                           AMOS(Spoken)
Now, he shot off his trap       And I believed her!
                                That cheap little tramp. So, she
I can't stand that sap          Was two-timing me, huh?
                                Well, then, she can just
                                Swing for all I care.  
Look at him go                  Boy, I'm down at the garage,
Rattin' on me                   Working my butt off fourteen
With just one more brain        Hours a day and she's up mucnhin'
What a half-wit he'd be         on god-damn bon bons and jazzing.
                                This time she pushed me too far.
If they string me up            That little chiseler.
I'll know who                   Boy, what I sap I was!
Brought the twine

That scummy, crummy
Dummy hubby of mine!



CELL BLOCK TANGO


LIZ
Pop

ANNIE
Six

JUNE
Squish

HUNYAK
Uh uh

VELMA
Cicero

MONA
Lipschitz!

LIZ
Pop

ANNIE
Six

JUNE
Squish

HUNYAK
Uh uh

VELMA
Cicero

MONA
Lipschitz!

LIZ
Pop

ANNIE
Six

JUNE
Squish

HUNYAK
Uh uh

VELMA
Cicero

MONA
Lipschitz!

ALL
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it

VELMA
I betcha you would have done the same!

LIZ
Pop

ANNIE
Six

JUNE
Squish

HUNYAK
Uh uh

VELMA
Cicero

MONA
Lipschitz!

LIZ(Spoken)                          GIRLS
You know how people                  He had it coming
have these little habits             He had it coming
That get you down. Like Bernie.      He only had himself to blame
Bernie like to chew gum.             
No, not chew. POP.                   If you'd have been there
Well, I came home this one day       If you'd have seen it
And I am really irritated, and       I betcha you would
looking for a little sympathy        Have done the same!
and there'e Bernie layin'            He had it coming
on the couch, drinkin' a beer        He had it coming
and chewin'. No, not chewin'.        He only had himself to blame
Poppin'. So, I said to him,          If you'd have been there
I said, "Bernie, you pop that        If you'd have seen it
gum one more time..."                I betcha you would
and he did.                          Have dome the same!
So I took the shotgun off the wall
and I fired two warning shots...
...into his head.

ALL
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would
Have dome the same!

ANNIE(Spoken)                            GIRLS
I met Ezekiel Young from                 He had it coming
Salt Lake city about two years ago       He had it coming
and he told me he was single             He only had himself
and we hit it off right away.            To blame
So, we started living together.          If you'd have been there
He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd     If you'd have seen it
mix him a drink, We'd have dinner.       I betcha you would
Well, it was like heaven in              Have done the same
two and a half rooms.                    He had it coming
And then I found out,                    He had it coming
"Single" he told me?                     He only had himself  
Single, my ass. Not only                 to blame
was he married                           If you'd have been there
...oh, no, he had six wives.             If yo'd have seen it
One of those Mormons, you know. So that  I betcha you would
night, when he came home, I mixed him    Have done the same!
his drink as usual.
You know, some guys just can't hold
their arsenic.

LIZ,ANNIE,JUNE,MONA                       VELMA AND HUNYAK
Hah! He had it coming                     Pop, six, squish, uh-uh
He had it coming                          Cicero, Lipschitz
He took a flower
In its prime
And then he used it
And he abused it
It was a murder
But not a crime!

JUNE(Spoken)                                     GIRLS
Now, I'm standing in the kitchen                 Pop,Six,
carvin' up the chicken for dinner,               Squish,Uh-uh,
minding my own business,                         Cicero,Lipschitz
and in storms my husband Wilbur,                 Pop, Six,
in a jealous rage.                               Squish,Uh-uh,
"You been screwin' the milkman,"                 Cicero,Lipschitz
he says. He was crazy                            Pop,Six,
and he kept screamin',                           Squish,Uh-uh,
"you been screwin the milkman."                  Cicero,Lipschitz
And then he ran into my knife.
He ran into my knife ten times!

ALL
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!

HUNYAK(Spoken)
Mit kersek, en itt? Azt mondjok,hogy a hires lakem lefogta a ferjemet en meg lecsaptam a fejet. De nem igaz, en artatlan
vagyok. Nem tudom mert mondja Uncle Sam hogy en tettem. probaltam
a rendorsegen megmayarazni de nem ertettek meg...

JUNE(Spoken)
Yeah, but di you do it?

HUNYAK
UH UH, not guilty!

VELMA                                    GIRLS
My sister, Veronica and                  He had it coming
I did this double act                    He had it coming
and my husband, Charlie,                 He only had
used to travel round with us.            Himself to blame.
Now, for the last number in              If you'd have been there
our act, we did these 20 acrobatic       If you'd have seen it   tricks in a row, one,two,three,          I betcha
four,five...splits, spread eagles,       You would
back flips,flip flops,                   Have done
one right after the other.               The same!
Well, this one night we were in Cicero,  He had
the three of us, sittin' up              It coming
in a hotel room, boozin' and             He had it coming...
havin' a few laughs and
we ran out of ice.
So I went out to get some.
I come back, open the door
and there's Veronica and
Charlie doing Number Seventeen-
the spread eagle.

Well, I was in such a state of shock,
I completely blacked out.I can't remember a thing.
It wasn't until later,
when I was washing the blood off my hands
I even knew they were dead.

They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming all along
I didn't do it
But if I'd done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

VELMA                                       GIRLS
They had it coming
                                            They had it coming
They had it coming
                                            They had it coming
They had it coming
                                            They took a flower
All along
                                            In its prime
I didn't do it
                                            And then they used it
But if I'd done it
                                            And they abused it
How could you tell me  
                                            It was a murder
That I was wrong?                           But not a crime!

MONA                                     GIRLS
I loved Alvin Lipschitz                  He had it coming
more than I can possibly say.            He had it coming
He was a real artistic guy...            He only had
sensitive... a painter.                  Himself to blame
But he was troubled.                     If you'd have been there
He was always trying                     If you'd have seen it
to find himself.                         I betcha
He'd go out every night                  You would
looking for himself                      Have done
and on the way                           The same!
he found Ruth,
Gladys,
Rosemary and Irving.
I guess you can say we broke
up because or artistic differences.
He saw himself as alive
and I saw him dead.

ALL
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

LIZ,ANNIE,MONA                             VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK
They had it comin'          
                                           They had it comin'
They had it comin'
                                           They had it comin'
They had it comin'
                                           They had it comin'
All along
                                           All along             'Cause if they used us
                                           'Cause if they used us And they abused us                            
                                           And they abused us
How could you tell us
                                           How could you tell us That we were wrong?
                                           That we were wrong?

                                         VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK
                                         He had it coming
                                         He had it coming
                                         He only had
                                         Himself
                                         To blame.
                                         If you'd have been there
                                         If you'd have seen it
                                         I betcha
                                         You would
                                         Have done
                                         The same!
LIZ(Spoken)
You pop that gum one more time!

ANNIE(spoken)
Single my ass.

JUNE(Spoken)
Ten times!

HUNYAK(Spoken)
Miert csukott Uncle Same bortonbe.

VELMA(Spoken)
Number seventeen-the spread eagle.

MONA(Spoken)
Artistic differences.

ALL
I betcha you would have done the same!



WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO MAMA


MATRON
Ask any of the chickies in my pen
They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother hen
I love 'em all and all of them love me
Because the system works
The system called reciprocity...

Got a little motto
Always sees me through
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you.

There's a lot of favors
I'm prepared to do
You do one for Mama
She'll do one for you.

They say that life is tit for tat
And that's the way I live
So, I deserve a lot of tat
For what I've got to give
Don't you know that this hand
Washes that one too
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you!

If you want my gravy
Pepper my ragout
Spice it up for Mama
She'll get hot for you

When they pass that basket
Folk contribut to
You out in for Mama
She'll put out for you

The folks atop the ladder
Are the ones the world adores
So boost me up my ladder, Kid
And I'll boost you up yours

Let's all stroke together
Like the Princeton crew
When you're strokin' Mama
Mama's strokin' you

So what's the one conclusion
I can bring this number to?
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you!



ALL I CARE ABOUT


GIRLS
We want Billy
Give us Billy
B. I. double L. Y.
We're all his
He's our kind of a guy
And ooh what luck
Cause here he is...

BILLY
Is everybody here?
Is everybody ready?
Hit it!

I don't care about expensive things
Cashmere coats, or diamond rings
Don't mean a thing
All I care about is love               GIRLS
That's what I'm here for               That's what he's here for

I don't care for wearin' silk cravats
Ruby studs, satin spats
Don't mean a thing
All I care about is love
                                       All he cares about is love

Give me two
Eyes of blue
Softly saying, "I need you"
Let me see her standin' there
And honest, mister, I'm a millionaire

I don't care for any fine attire
Vanderbilt might admire
No, no, not me
All I care about is love...
                                      All he cares about is love

BILLY
Maybe you think I'm talking about physical love.
Well, I'm not. Not just physical love. There's
other kinds of love. Like love of justice. Love
of legal procedure. Love of lending a hand to
someone who really needs you. Love of your fellow
man. That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about.
And physical love ain't so bad either.

It may be sound odd
But all I care about is love         GIRLS
That's what I'm here for             That's what he's here for

Honest to God
All I care about is love
                                     All he cares about is love

Show me long Raven hair
Flowin' down, about to there
Let me see
Her runnin' free
Keep your money, that's enough for me
I don't care for drivin' Packard cars
Or smoking Long Buck Cigars
No, no, not me
All I care about is
Doin' the guy in
Who's pickin, on you
Twistin' the wrist
That's turnin' the screw
All I care about is love!           All he cares about is love!



A LITTLE BIT OF SUNSHINE


MARY SUNSHINE
When I was a tiny tot
Of maybe two or three
I can still remember what
My mother said to me...

Place rose colored glasses on your nose
And you will see the robins
Not the crows

for in this tense and tangled web
Our weary lives may weave
you're so much better off
if you believe...

That there's a little bit of good
In everyone
In everyone you'll ever know

Yes, there's a little bit of good
In everyone
Though many times, it doesn't show

It only takes the taking time
With one another
For under every mean veneer
Is someone warm and dear
Keep looking...

for that bit of good in everyone
The ones we call bad
Are never all bad
So try to find that little bit of good!

Just a little, little bit of good

Is someone warm and dear
Keep looking...

For that little good in everyone
Although you meet rats
They're not complete rats
So try to find that little bit of good!



WE BOTH REACHED FOR THE GUN


REPORTERS
Where'd you come from?

BILLY(as Roxie)
Mississippi

REPORTERS
And your parents?

BILLY(as Roxie)
Very wealthy.

REPORTERS
Where are they now?

BILLY(as Roxie)
Six feet under.

BILLY
But she was granted one more start

BILLY(as Roxie)
The convent of The Sacred Heart!

REPORTERS
When'd you get here?

BILLY(as Roxie)
1920

REPORTERS
How old were you?

BILLY(as Roxie)
Don't remember

REPORTERS
Then what happened?

BILLY(as Roxie)
I met Amos
And he stole my heart away
Convinced me to elope one day

MARY SUNSHINE(spoken)
A convent girl! A run-away marriage!
oh, it's too terrible. You poor, poor dear.

REPORTERS
Who's Fred Casely?

BILLY(as Roxie)
My ex-boyfriend.

REPORTERS
Why'd you shoot him?

BILLY(as Roxie)
I was leavin'.

REPORTERS
Was her angry?

BILLY(as Roxie)
Like a madman
Still I said, "Fred, move along."

BILLY
She knew that she was doin' wrong.

REPORTERS
Then describe it.

BILLY(as Roxie)
He came toward me.

REPORTERS
With a pistol?

BILLY(as Roxie)
From my bureau.

REPORTERS
Did you fight him?

BILLY(as Roxie)
Like a tiger.

BILLY
He had strength and she had none.

BILLY(as Roxie)
And yet we both reached for the gun
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes we both
Oh yes we both
Oh yes, we both reached for
The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
Oh yes, we both reached for the gun
For the gun.

BILLY AND REPORTERS
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun,
Oh yes, they both  reached for the gun
for the gun.

BILLY
understandable. understandable
Yes, it's perfectly understandable
Comprehensible. Comprehensible
Not a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible!

REPORTERS
How're you feeling?

BILLY(as Roxie)
Very frightened

REPORTERS
Are you sorry?

ROXIE
Are you kidding?

REPORTERS
What's you're statement?

BILLY(as Roxie)
All I'd say is
Though my choo-choo jumped the track
I'd give my life to bring him back

REPORTERS
And?

BILLY(as Roxie)
Stay away from

REPORTERS
What?

BILLY(as Roxie)
Jazz and liquor

REPORTERS
And?

BILLY(as Roxie)
And the men who

REPORTERS
What?

BILLY(as Roxie)
Play for fun

REPORTERS
And what?

BILLY(as Roxie)
That's the thougt that

REPORTERS
Yeah

BILLY(as Roxie)
Came upon me

REPORTERS
When?

BILLY(as Roxie)
When we both reached for the gun!

MARY SUNSHINE
Understandable, understandable

BILLY AND MARY SUNSHINE
Yes, it's perfectly understandable
Comprehensible, comprehensible
Not a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible!

BILLY(spoken)            REPORTERS
Let me                   Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Hear it!                 Oh yes, they both
                         Oh yes, they both reached for
                         The gun, the gun, the gun,
                         The gun
                         Oh yes, they both reached
                         For the gun
A little louder!         For the Gun.
                         Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
                         Oh yes, they both
                         Oh yes, they both reached
                         For the gun, the gun,
Now you got it!          The gun,the gun
                         Oh yes. They both reached
                         For the gun
                         For the gun.

BILLY AND REPORTERS
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
Oh yes, they both reached for the gun.

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, reached for
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun.

BILLY
Both reached for the...gun

REPORTERS
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
Both reached for the gun.



ROXIE


ROXIE
The name on everybody's lips
Is gonna be Roxie
The lady rakin' in the chips
Is gonna be Roxie

I'm gonna be a celebrity
That means somebody eveyone knows
They're gonna recognize my eyes
My hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose

From just some dumb mechanic's wife
I'm gonna be Roxie
Who says that murders not an art?

And who in case she doesn't hang
can say she started with a bang?
Foxy Roxie Hart!

ROXIE(spoken)
You wanna know something? I always wanted to be in
Vaudeville. And now that I'm a celebrity, I'm
gonna have me a swell act, too. Yeah, I'll get a boy
to work with- someone who can lift me up, show me off-
Oh hell, I'll get two boys.  It'll frame me better.
Think "BIG", Roxie, think "BIG."
I'm gonna get a whole bunch of boys.

The name on everybody's lips                
Is gonna be                            

BOYS                                                             Roxie

ROXIE
The lady rakin' in the chips is gonna be   
BOYS
Roxie. She's gonna be a celebrity

ROXIE
That means somebody everyone knows

BOYS
They're gonna recognize her eyes
Her hair. Her teeth...

ROXIE
...My boobs, my nose
From just some dumb mechanic's wife
I'm gonna be
Sing it!

BOYS
Roxie

ROXIE
Who says that murder's not an art?

BOYS
And who in case she doesn't hang

ROXIE
Can say she started
With a bang?

ROXIE AND BOYS
Foxy Roxie Hart

BOYS
They're gonna wait outside in line
To get to see Roxie

ROXIE
Think of those autographs I'll sign
"Good luck to you, Roxie"

And I'll appear in Lavaliere
That goes all the way down to my waist

BOYS
Here a ring, there a ring
Everywhere a ring a ling

ROXIE
But always in the best of taste
Oooh I'm a star.

BOYS
And the audience loves her.

ROXIE(spoken)
And I love the audience. And the audience loves me
for loving them. And I love them for lving me. And
we jus tlove each other. That's because none of us
got any love in our childhood.

BOYS(spoken)
That's right.

ROXIE(spoken)
And that's show biz, Kid.

BOYS
Oh yeah.

She's giving up here humdrum life

ROXIE
I'm gonna be

BOYS
Roxie.
She made a scandal and a start.

ROXIE
And Sophie Tucker will shit, I know
To see her name get billed below

ALL
Foxy Roxie Hart!

BOYS
Chuh, chuh, chuh, etc...

ROXIE(Spoken)
Those are my boys.



I CAN'T DO IT ALONE



VELMA(to Roxie)
My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop
My sister and I were headed straight fo the top
My sister and I earned a thou a week at least
Oh, sure!
But my sistr is now, unfortunately, deceased

Oh, I know it's sad, of course
But a fact is still a fact
And now all that remains
Is the remains
Of a perfect double act!

(spoken)Roxie, do you know you are exactly the same
size as my sister? Oh, you would fit in her wardrobe
perfectly. Look, why don't I just show you some of
the act, huh? Watch this.

(VELMA dances)

Now you have to imagine
this with two people.  
It's swell with two people.

First I'd...(drums!)
Then she'd...(saxophone!)
Then we'd...(together!)
But I can't do it alone!
Then she'd...
Then I'd...
Then we'...
But I can't do it alone!

She'd say,"What's your sister like?"
I'd say, "Men,"
Yuk, Yuk, yuk
She'd say, "you're the cat's meow"
Then we'd wow the crowd again
When she'd go...
I'd go...
We'd go...

And then those ding-dong daddies started to roar
Whistled, stomped and stamped on the floor
Yelling, sreaming, begging for more.

(spoken)And we'd say, "O.K. fellas, keep your socks up.
you ain't seen nothin' yet!"

(VELMA dances)

But I simply cannot do it alone!

Well? What did ya' think? Come on, you can say.

(ROXIE gives her a raspberry)

O.K., O.K. The first part can always  be rewritten.
But the second part was really nifty. Watch this.

Then she'd...(See, get it, right?)
Then I'd...(Then I'd kick really high...)
Then we'd...
But I can't do it alone!
She'd say, "What state's Chicago in?"
I'd say, "ILL!"
Did ya' get that?
She'd say, "Turn your motor off"
I can hear 'em cheerin' still
When she'd go...
I'd go...
We'd go...(Sideways!)
And then those two-bit Johnnies did it up brown
To cheer the best attraction in town
They nearly tore the balcony down

(sopken)And we'd say. "O.K. fellas, O.K.,
we're goin' home, but here's a few more partin' shots!"
And this... this we did in perfect unison.

(VELMA dances)

Now, you've seen me goin' through it
It may seem there's nothin' to it
But I simply cannot do it
Alone!

(ROXIE turns her down)

Like the deserted bride on her wedding night
All alone and shaking with fright
With her brand new hubby nowhere in sight
I simply cannot do it alone...


MY OWN BEST FRIEND


ROXIE                   VELMA
One thing I know  
                        One thing I know

And I've always known
                        And I've always known
I am my own
                        I am my own
Best friend             Best friend

Baby's alive
                        Baby's alive
But baby's alone     
                        But baby's alone
And baby's her own
                        And baby's her own
Best friend             Best friend


BOTH
Many's the guy
Who told me he cares
But they were scratchin' my back
'Cause I was scratchin theirs

ROXIE                    VELMA
And trusting to luck
                         And trusting to luck
That's only for fools
                         Only for fools
I play in a game
                         I play in a game
Where I make the rules   Where I make the rules


BOTH
And rule number one
From here to the end
Is 'I am my own best friend'

Three musketeers
Who never say die
Are standing here this minute

ROXIE              VELMA
                   ME
Me
                   Myself
Myself
                   And I!
And I!


BOTH
If life is a school
I'll pass every test
If life is a game
I'll play it the best
'Cause I wont give in
And I'll never bend
And I am my own best friend!


Act II




I KNOW A GIRL


VELMA
Can you imagine?
I mean, can you imagine?
Do you believe it?
I mean, do you believe it?

I know a girl
A girl who lands on top
You could put her face
Into a pail of slop
And she'd come up smelling like a rose
How she does it, Heaven knows.

REPORTER(spoken)
Hold on, everybody, she's comin out now.
Well, Doctor, is she or isn't she?

VELMA(spoken)
She is.

DOCTOR(spoken)
She is!

VELMA
I know a girl
A girl with so much luck
She could get run over by a two-ton truck
Then brush herself off and walk away
How she does it, couldn't say.

BILLY(spoken)
So, Doc, would you swear to that statement in court?

DOCTOR(spoken)
Oh, yeah.

BILLY(spoken)
Good...you wanna button you fly?

VELMA
Whilst I on the other hand
Put my face in a pail  of slop
And I would smell like a pail of slop
I, on the other hand
Get run over by a truck
And I am deader than a duck

I know a girl who tells so many lies
Anything that's true would truly cross her eyes
But what that mouse is selling
The whole world buys
And nobody smells a rat.

ROXIE(spoken)
Oh, please, ladies and gentlemen of the press-
leave the two of us alone so that we can rest.

VELMA(spoken)
The two of us?

Can you imagine?
I mean, can you imagine?

REPORTER(spoken)
Could I have one last picture please?

ROXIE(spoken)
Oh, sure, anything for the press.

VELMA
Do you believe it?
I mean, do you believe it?

ROXIE
My dear little baby

VELMA
"My dear little baby."

ROXIE
My sweet little baby

VELMA
"My sweet little..."

ROXIE
Look at my baby and me



ME AND MY BABY


ROXIE
Me and my baby
My baby and me
We're 'bout as happy
As babies can be
What if I find
That I'm caught in a storm?
I don't care
My baby's there
And baby's bound to keep me warm
We're sticking together
And ain't we got fun
So much togther
They count us as one
Tell old man, worry, to go climb a tree
'Cause I've got my baby
My sweet little baby
Look at my baby and me

MARY SUNSHINE(Spoken)
I don't see how you could possibly delay the
trial another second, Mr. Flynn. My readers
wouldn't stand for it. the poor child! to have
her baby born in a jail!

BILLY(Spoken)
I can assure you she'll come to trial at the
earliest possible moment.
And you can quote me on that.

AMOS(Spoken)
Hey, everybody. I'm the father!
I'm the father!

ALL
Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk!

ROXIE
Looka my baby
My baby and me
A dream of a duo
Now don't you agree?
Why keep it mum
When there's nothing to hide?
And what I feel
I must reveal
It's more than I can keep insie
Let me assure you
It won't go away
I can assure you
It grows everyday
I was a one once
But now I'm a 'we'
"Cause I've got my baby
My dear little baby
Look at my baby and me

MATRON(Spoken)
I think it's sweet. First time we ever had one of
our girls knocked up.

BILLY(Spoken)
I've got it and it's brilliant. I'm gonna get Amos
to divorce you. That way all the sympathy will go
to you- not him. You'll be the poor, little deserted
mother-to-be and that crumb is running out on you.

AMOS
That's my kid! That's my kid!

ROXIE AND BOYS
Looka my baby
My baby and me
Facing the world
Optimistically
Nothing can stop us
So nobody try
'Cause baby's rough
And full of stuff
And incidentally, so am I!
Get out of our way, folks
And give us some room
Watch how we bubble
And blossom and bloom
Life was a prison
But we got the key
Me and my baby
My dear little baby
My cute little baby
My sweet little baby
My fat little baby
My soft little baby
My pink little baby
My bald little baby
Looka, my baby and me!



MISTER CELLOPHANE


AMOS
If someone stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice up way out loud
And waved his arm and shook his keg
You'd notice him

In someone in the movie show
Yelled "fire in the second row
This whole place is a powder keg!"
You'd notice him

And even without clucking like a hen
Everyone get noticed now and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there!

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there!

Suppose you was a little cat
Residin' in a person's flat
Who fed you fish and scratched your ears?
You'd notice him

Suppose you was woman wed
And sleepin' oin a double bed
Beside one man for seven years
You'd notice him

A human bein's made of more than air
With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there
Unless that human bein' next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who...

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there!Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know I'm there

(Spoken) Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.



WHEN VELMA TAKES THE STAND


VELMA(Spoken)
Billy, I been thinkin' a lot about my trial.
Couldn't I just show you what I thought I
might do on the stand?

BILLY(Spoken)
Go ahead.

VELMA(Spoken)
Good! Hit it!
Well, then, when I got on the stand I
thought I'd take a peek at the jury.
Then I'd cross my legs like this, you know.

QUARTETTE
When Velma takes the stand

VELMA(Spoken)
Then, when Harrison cross examines me,
I thought I'd give 'em this... and then
if he yells at me I thought I'd tremble like this...
"Oooh, no, please stop!"

QUARTETTE
When Velma takes the stand
Look at little Vel
See her give 'em hell
Ain't she doin' gran
She got eatin' out of the palm of her hand!

VELMA(Spoken)
Then, I thought I'd let it all be too much
for me, like real dramatic. Then, I thought
I'd get thirsty and say, "Please, someone, could
I have a glass of water?"

QUARTETTE
When Velma takes the stand
See that kelly girl
Make that jury whirl
When she turns it on
She's gonna get 'em goin'
'Till she's got 'em gone

VELMA
then, I thought I'd cry. Buckets. Only I don't
have a handkerchief- that's when I have to ask for yours!
I really like that part. Don't you? Then, I get up and
try to walk; oh but I'm too weak, and I slump and I slump
and I slump and I slump until finally, I faint!

QUARTETTE
When she rolls her eyes
Watch her take the prize
When Velma takes the stand!



RAZZLE DAZZLE


BAILIFF(Spoken)
Mr. Flynn, his honor is here

BILLY(Spoken)
Thank you. Just a moment.
You ready?

ROXIE(Spoken)
Oh Billy, I'm scared.

BILLY(Spoken)
Roxie, you got nothing to worry about.
It's all a circus, kid. A three ring circus.
These trials- the wholeworld- all show business.
But kid, you're working with a star, the biggest!

(Singing)
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle Dazzle 'em
Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it
And the reaction will be passionate
Give 'em the old hocus pocus
Bead and feather 'em
How can they see with sequins in their eyes?

What if your hinges all are rusting?
What if, in fact, you're just disgusting?

Razzle dazzle 'em
And they;ll never catch wise!

Give 'em the old

BILLY AND COMPANY
Razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous

BILLY
Row after row will crow vociferous

BILLY AND COMPANY
Give 'em the old flim flam flummox
Fool and fracture 'em

BILLY
How can they hear the truth above the roar?

BILLY AND COMPANY
Throw 'em a fake and a finagle
They'll never know you're just a bagel,

BILLY
Razzle dazzle 'em
And they'll beg you for more!

BILLY AND COMPANY
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle Dazzle 'em
Back since the days of old Methuselah
Everyone loves the big bambooz-a-ler

Give 'em the old three ring circus
Stun and stagger 'em
When you're in trouble, go into your dance

Though you are stiffer than a girder
They let you get away with murder
Razzle dazzle 'em
And you've got a romance

Give 'em the old
Razzle Dazzle

BILLY
Razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em an act that's unassailable
They'll wait a year 'till you're available!

BILLY AND COMPANY
Give 'em the old
Double whammy

BILLY
Daze and dizzy'em
Show 'em the first rate sorcerer you are

BILLY AND COMPANY
Long as you keep 'em way off balance
How can they spot you got no talents?

BILLY
Razzle dazzle 'em

COMPANY
Razzle dazzle 'em

BILLY
Razzle dazzle 'em

BILLY AND COMPANY
And they'll make you a star!



CLASS


MATRON(Spoken)
The whole world's gone low-brow.  Thing's ain't what
they used to be.

VELMA(Spoken)
They sure ain't, Mama.  They sure ain't it's all gone.

(Singing)
Whatever happened to fair dealing?
And pure ethics
And nice manners?
Why is it everyone now os a pain in the ass?
Whatever happened to class?

MATRON
Class.
Whatever happened to, "Please, may I?"
And, "Yes, thank you?"
And, "How charming?"
Now, every son of a bitch is a snake in the grass
Whatever happened to class?

VELMA AND MATRON
Class!
Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
To open up the doors
There ain't no ladies now,
There's only pigs and whores
And even kids'll knock ya down
So's they can pass
Nobody's got no class!

VELMA
Whatever happened to old values?

MATRON
And fine morals?

VELMA
And good breeding?

MATRON
Now, no one even says "oops" when they're
Passing their gas
Whatevcer happened to class?

VELMA
Class

VELMA AND MATRON
Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
That's fit for any use
And any girl'd touch your privates
For a deuce

MATRON
And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass

VELMA
And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass

VELMA AND MATRON
Nobody's got no class!

VELMA
All you ready about today is rape and theft

MATRON
Jesus Christ, ain't there no decency left?

VELMA AND MATRON
Nobody's got no class!

MATRON
Everybody you watch

VELMA
'S got his brains in his crotch

MATRON
Holy crap

VELMA
Holy crap

MATRON
What a shame

VELMA
What a shame

VELMA AND MATRON
What became of class?



NOWADAYS


ROXIE(Spoken)
...Gone, it's all gone.

(Singing)
It's good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it?
Nowadays

There's men, everywhere
Jazz, everywhere
Booze, everywhere
Life. everywhere
Joy, everywhere
Nowadyas

You can like the life you're livin'
You can live the life you like
You can even marry Harry
But mess around wiht Ike
And that's
Good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it...

ANNOUNCER(Spoken)
Ladies and gentlemen, the Vickers Theatre,
Chicago's finest finest home of famile entertainment,
is proud to announce a first. The first time, anywhere,
there has been an act of this nature. Not only one
little lady but two! You've read about them in the papers
and now here they are- a double header! Chicago's own
killer dillers- those two scintillating sinners-
Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly.

ROXIE AND VELMA
You can like the life you're livin'
You can live the life you like
You can even marry Harry
But mess around wiht Ike
And that's
Good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it?
But nothing stays

In fifty years or so
It's gonna change, you know
But, oh, it's heaven
Nowadays

ANNOUNCER
Okay, you babes of jazz. Let's pick up the pace.
Let's shake the blues away. Let's make the parties longer.
Let's make the skirts shorter and shorter. Let's make
the music hotter. Let's go to hell in a fast car and
KEEP IT HOT!