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Damn Yankees

SIX MONTHS OUT OF EVERY YEAR

MEG
When we met in nineteen thirty-eight, it was November
When I said that I would be his mate, it was December
I reasoned he would be the greatest husband that a girl had ever found
That's what I reasoned
That's what I reasoned
Then April rolled around

JOE
Strike three, ball four, walk a run'll tie the score
Yer blind, Ump,
Yer blind, Ump,
Ya mus' be out-a yer mind, Ump!

MEG
Six months out of every year
I might as well be made of stone
Six months out of every year when I'm with him I'm alone

JOE
He caught the corner

MEG
Six months  out of every year
He doesn't take me anywhere
Six monthso ut of every year, when I play cards
Solitaire

The other six months out of every year
We are hardly ever seen apart
But then the Washington Senators take over my place in his heart
Six months out of every year

BOYS
Strike three
Ball four
Walk a run'll tie the score
Fly ball
Double play
Yankees win again today

Those damn Yankees
Why can't we beat 'em?
He's put, he's safe, he's out, he's safe, he's out, he's safe, he's out

Yer blind, Ump,
Yer blind, Ump, you must be out of yer mind, Ump

GIRLS
Six months out of every year
He live by the television set

BOYS
He's out, he's safe, he's out!

GIRLS
If you see that man of mine
How does he look?
I forget

BOYS
Le-e-ets go!

GIRLS
Six months out of every year
We know there is no other dame
If he isn't home by six,

BOYS
He's out, he's safe, he's out!

GIRLS
It's six to one
There's a game

BOYS
Le-e-ets go!

GIRLS
Six months out of every year when we cook for them it never pays

BOYS
Aahh!

GRILS
Instead of praising our ghoulash
They are appraising the plays of Willie Mays!

BOYS
He's out, he's safe, he's out!

GIRLS
Six months out of every year

BOYS
Strike three, ball four, walk a run'll tie the score

GIRLS
We might as well be wearing crepe

BOYS
Fly ball double play, Yankees win again today

GIRLS
Life is just an awful bore
From which there is no escape

BOYS
Those damn Yankees
Why can't we beat 'em?
He's put, he's safe, he's out, he's safe, he's out, he's safe, he's out
Yer blind, Ump,
Yer blind, Ump, you must be out of yer mind, Ump

GIRLS
We're dying for the mercury to drop to three below

BOYS
Yay team

GIRLS
We're crying for the happy days of icicicles and snow

BOYS
Yay team

GIRLS
We don't mind sleepin' solo, that is once a year or so

BOYS
Those damn Yankees

GIRLS
But with them it's a career

BOYS
What are ya waitn' for?
April, May, June, July, August, September

GIRLS
April, May, June, July, August, September
Six months out of every year

BOYS
Yer blind Ump, Yer blind Ump, you must be out of yer mind Ump

ALL
April, May, June, July, August, September
April, May, June, July, August, September

MEG
Six months out of every year

JOE
Yer blind Ump, Yer blind Ump, you must be...



GOODBYE, OLD GIRL


JOE
Goodbye, old girl
My old girl
When you awaken I'll be gone
Can't tell you where I go
It isn't fair, I know
But trust in me and carry on
Goodbyr old friend
My old friend
There's sometin' I must let you know
I haven't said it much
I guess I've lost my touch
But, my old girl, I love you so
No I know it hasn't all been rosy
We've had squabblin' days when tears were brought about
But in a moment or two we would bill and coo
And never even knew
What we fought about
And now you Joe has to go
But he'll come back to you again
So sleep your sleep, old girl
Our love will keep, old girl, till then
My old girl
Goodbye



HEART


VAN BUREN
You've gotta have heart
All you really need is heart
When the odds are sayin' you'll never win
That's when the grin should start
You've gotta have hope
Mustn't sit around and mope
Nothin's half as bad as it may appear
Wait'll next year and hope
When your luck is battin' zero
Get your chin up off the floor
Mister you can be a hero
You can open any door, there's nothin' to it but to do it
You've gotta have heart
Miles 'n miles n' miles of heart
Oh, it's fine to be a genius of course
But keep that old horse
Before the cart
First you've gotta have heart

ROCKY
A great slugger we haven't got

SMOKEY
A great pitcher we haven't got

VERNON
A great ball club we haven't got

ROCKY, SMOKEY & VERNON
What've we got?

ALL
We've got heart
All you really need is heart
When the odds are sayin' you'll never win
That's when the grin should start

ROCKY, SMOKEY, LINVILLE
We've got hope
We don't sit around and mope
Not a solitary sob do wwe heave
Mister, 'cause we've got hope

ROCKY
We're so happy that we're hummin'

ALL
Hmm-hmm-hmm

VAN BUREN
That's the hearty thing to do

ALL
Hoo-hoo-hoo

SMOKEY
'Cause we know our ship will come in

ALL
Hmm-hmm-hmm

ROCKY
So it's ten years overdue

ALL
Hoo-hoo-hoo
We've got heart
Miles 'n miles 'n miles o' heart

VERNON
Oh, it's fine to be a genius of course

BOYS
Butt keep that old horse before the cart

VAN BUREN
So what the hecks the use of cryin'?

SMOKEY
Why should we curse?

ROCKY
We've gotta get better, 'cause we can't get worse!

ALL
And to add to it, we've got heart
We've got heart
We've got heart


We've got heart
All you really need is heart
When the odds are sayin' you'll never win
That's when the grin should start

SMOKEY
We're so happy that we're laughin'

ALL
Ha ha ha


VAN BUREN
That's the hearty thing to do

ALL
Hoo-hoo-hoo

VERNON
So we ain't been autographin'

ALL
Ha ha ha

ROCKY
'Cept to sign an I.O.U.

ALL
Hoo-hoo-hoo

ALL
We've got heart
Miles 'n miles n' miles of heart
Oh, it's fine to be a genius of course
But keep that old horse
Before the cart

SMOKEY
Who minds those pop bottles flyin'?

VERNON
The hisses and the boos

VAN BUREN
The team has been consistent

ROCKY
Yeah, we always lose

THREE BOYS
But we're laughin' cause... We've got heart

ALL FOUR BOYS
We've got heart... We've got heart



SHOELESS JOE FROM HANNIBAL MO


GLORIA
Who came along in a puff of smoke

ALL
Shoeless Joe From Hannibal Mo.

GLORIA
Strong as the heart of a mighty Oak

ALL
Shoeless Joe From Hannibal Mo.
Lucky are we to be having him

GLORIA
Shoeless Joe From Hannibal Mo.

ALL
Just when the future was lookin' grim

GLORIA
Shoeless Joe From Hannibal Mo.

ALL
Came a long long way to be
With us today

GLORIA
With arms of steel like Hercules

BOYS
Yeow!

GLORIA
Feet as fleet as Mercury's

BOYS
Yeah!

GLORIA
He'll fight
For us, do right for us

ALL
He'll be a beacon light for us
He's Shoeless Joe From Hannibal Mo.
Go, go, go, go, go, go

GLORIA
Go like a bat out-a you know where

ALL
Shoeless Joe From Hannibal Mo.

Strike at the foe, let 'em know you're there

ALL
Shoeless Joe From Hannibal Mo!
Shoeless Joe From Hannibal Mo!
Shoeless Joe From Hannibal Mo!

GLORIA
Came upon the scene

ALL
As fresh as Listerine

GLORIA
He sneezed and blew away a calf
His laughter ripped a barn in half

ALL
Go, go, go, go, Joe

GLORIA
Like sevens come, elevens come

ALL
Like manna from the heavens come!
It's Shoeless Joe From Hannibal Mo.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,
Go like a bat out-a you know where

GLORIA
Shoeless Joe From M.O.
Strike at the foe
Let 'em know you're there

ALL
Shoeless Joe from M.O.
Look out, look out, look out, look out for Shoeless Joe

JOE
The barefoot boy
From Hannibal Moe!

BOYS
Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe!



A MAN DOESN'T KNOW


JOE
A man doesn't know what he has until he loses it,
When a man has the love of a woman he abuses it,
I didn't know what I had when I had my old love,
I didn't know what I had 'till I said, "Goodbye, old love!"
Yes, a man doesn't know what he has 'til it is no longer around
But the happy thought is
Whatever it is he's lost, may some day once again be found!



A LITTLE BRAINS-A LITTLE TALENT


LOLA
I took the zing out of the King of Siam
I took the starch out of the sails
Of the Prince of Wales
It's no great art, gettin' the heart of a man
On a silver platter
A little brains-a little talent
With the emphasis on the latter!

I made mince-meat out of a sweet young farmer!
I knocked the fight out of a knight
When I pierced his armor
And I'll bet, I can upset every male
In a Yale regatta!
A little brains-a little talent
With the emphasis on the latta!

You gotta know just what to say and how to say it
You gotta know what game to play and how to play it
You gotta stack those decks with a couple-a extra aces
And this queen has her aces
In all the right places!

I've done much more than that old bore, Delilah!
I took the curl out of the hair of a millionaire
There's no trick gettin' some hick who is cool
Just a little warmer
A little brains-a little talent
With the emphasis on the former!

Split up a home, way up in Nome, Alaska!
And wrecked the life of every wife
Down in Madagascar
Ask me why weak men'll die for me
Strong men simply shatter
A little brains-a little talent
With the emphasis on the latter!

You gotta know just what to do and how to do it
You gotta know what tea to brew and how to brew it
You've seen the sign that says George Washington once slept here
Well tho' nobody spied him
Guess who was beside him?
Bring out that boy, he'll be a toy to Lola

Just one more case she can erase with that old boffola
What's my plan. same as with any man
I'll use the standard platter
Plus a little this-a-and a little that-a
With the emphasis on the latter!



A MAN DOESN'T KNOW (Reprise)


JOE
A man doesn't know what he has until he loses it,
When a man has the love of a woman he abuses it,
I didn't know what I had when I had my old love,
I didn't know what I had 'till I said, "Goodbye, old love!"
Yes, a man doesn't know what he has 'til it is no longer around
But the happy thought is
Whatever it is he's lost, may some day once again be found!

MEG
I know what you mean Joe,
Only too well
For I am lonely just like you
Lonley for my Joe, My sweet Joe
How really sweet I never knew
I really never knew

A woman doesn't know what she has until she loses it,
When a woman has the love of a man she abuses it,
I didn't know what I had when I had my old love,

JOE
I didn't know what I had 'till I said, "Goodbye old love!"
Yes, a man doesn't know what he has 'til it is no longer around

BOTH
But the happy thought is
Whatever it is he's/she's lost, may some day once again be found!



WHATEVER LOLA WANTS


LOLA
Whatever Lola wants
Lola gets
And little man, little Lola wants you
Amke up your mind to have no regrets
Recline yourself, resign yourself, you're through
I always get what I aim for
And your heart'n soul is what I came for

Whatever Lola wants
Lola gets,
Take off your coat
Don't you know you can't win?
You're no exception to the rule,
I'm irresistible, you fool, give in!...Give in!...Give in!

Hello, Joe
It's me
He hits so far
-hold on-that's you
Aaah-haaaaaa
Poo poo pa doop
Peek-a-boo
Yoo-hoo

I always get what I aim for
And you heart'n soul is what I came for
...Lola wants
...Lola gets
...You'll never win
I'm irresistible, you fool,
Give in...Give in...Give in.



HEART (Reprise)


FAN CLUB
You've gotta have heart
All you really need is heart
When the odds are sayin' you'll never win
That's when the grin should start

CHERRY
When your luck is battin' zero

SISTER
Get your chin up off the floor

RONNIE
Mister you can be a hero

JACKIE
You can open any door, there's nothin' to it but to do it

ALL
You've gotta have heart
Miles 'n miles n' miles of heart
Oh, it's fine to be a genius of course
But keep that old horse before the cart

CHERRY
So when the bases are loaded

JACKIE & RONNIE
The count is three and two

SISTER
You'll hit a homer, Joe, we can depend on you

ALL
You're a hero 'cause, you've got heart
You've got heart-
You've got heart-



WHO'S GOT THE PAIN


LOLA & WELCH
Ugh!
Who's got the pain when they do the mambo?
Who's got the pain when they go "Ugh"?
Who's got the pain when they do the mambo?
I dunno who-do you?

Who needs a pill when they do the mambo?
Who needs a pill when they go "Ugh"?
Who needs a pill when they do the mambo?
I dunno who-do you?

Someone must be sick with the heat?
Or steppin' in everyone's feet?
But if everyone's feelin' O.K.
Why don't they just say "Olay"?
When the music carries then away! "Ugh!"?

Who's got the pain when they do the mambo?
Who's got the pain when they go "Ugh"?
Who's got the pain when they do the mambo?
I dunno who-do you?

Is there a doctor in the house?
Is there a doctor in the house?
Is there a doctor in the house?
Point him out,
For there is an element of doubt-as to
Who's got the pain when they do the mambo?
Who's got the pain when they go "Ugh"?
Who's got the pain when they do the mambo?
I dunno who-do you?



THE GAME


ROCKY
we've got to think about the game!

ALL
The game, the game!
We've go to think about the game,
The game, the game!
Booze and braods may be great,
though they're great they'll have to wait,
While we think about the game!

ROCKY
There was that waitress back in Kansas City,
Built for comfort, dumb but pretty!

ALL
Yeah? Yeah?

ROCKY
Man, her perfume sure smelt sweet,
Got her up to my hotel suite!

ALL
Yeah? Yeah?

ROCKY
She killed a pint of gin more or less,
The lights were low and she slips of her dress!

ALL
Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?

ROCKY
But then I thought about the game!

ALL
The game, the game!

ROCKY
Oh, yes, I thought about the game!

ALL
The game, the game!

ROCKY
Though I got the lady high,
I just left her high and dry,
Cause I thought about the game!

ALL
He thought about the game!

SMOKEY
There was that pullman car that I got lost in,
On a sleeper out of Boston!

ALL
Yeah? Yeah?

SMOKEY
Compartment doors all look the same there
Walked in one and there's this dame there!

ALL
Yeah? Yeah?

SMOKEY
Blonde, and stacked, and absolutely bare,
And nothin' separatin' us but air!

ALL
Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?

SMOKEY
But then I thought about the game!

ALL
The game, the game!

SMOKEY
Oh, yes, I thought about the game!

ALL
The game, the game!

SMOKEY
Though my heart said stay for tea,
All I said was pardon me!
Cause I though about the game!

ALL
He thought about the game!

MICKEY
When a chick gives you the eye, remember-

ALL
Abstain!

LOWE
When you're dyin' for some rye, remember-

ALL
Refrain!

HENRY
If you're losin' at crap and the clock says it's eleven,
Ans suddenly each roll you roll-"huh"- comes up a seven,
And you're in the kind of dive, where men are men,

ALL
Be polite, say goodnight, you should be in bed by ten!

SMOKEY
When your mother bakes you cakes, remember-

ALL
Saty thin!

ROCKY
When you're kissin' till it aches, remember-

ALL
Don't give in!
Every rule we shall obey to be sure,
Cause to win we've gotta stay, good and pure,
Good and pure! Mumm.

SMOKEY
Hey, Rock, remember those twins we took a ride with,
Operatin' side by side with,

ALL
Yeah? Yeah?

SOMKEY
We're out of gas three miles from Philly,

ROCKY
The night is warm, the sky's a dilly,

ALL
Yeah? Yeah?

So I suggest we sleep beneath a tree

ROCKY
Four minds with a single thought

SMOKEY
I look at my girl,

ROCKY
I look at mine

SMOKEY
Then with one fell swoop-

ALL
But then they thought about the game!
The game, the game!

ROCKY & SMOKEY
Oh, yes, we thought about the game!

ALL
The game, the game!
to our women one and all,
We will see you in the fall,
But for now we've got to stall,
Every dame!
And think about the game!
Think about the game,
Think about the, think about the, think about the, think about the,
Think about the game!



NEAR TO YOU


JOE
He's near to you
Near to you
Though you think he's far away
He's near to you, so near to you
As near as April is to May!

Can't you feel him there is his favorite chair
Staring at the fireplace
Oh so near to you, always near to you
Why you might as well be face to face
For it's just as though he were standing as close as I
I know it's hard to imagine, but try,

If he's really near to you, near to you
You may be far apart and yet
If he's in your heart
Really in your heart
How near to you can he get?

MEG
He's near to me, near to me
Even though he's far away
He's near to me, oh so near to me
As near as April is to May

JOE
If he's really dear to you,

MEG
He's near to me

JOE
You may be far apart and yet

MEG
If he's in my heart

JOE
Really in your heart
How near to you

MEG
How near to me

BOTH
How near to you/me can he get?



THOSE WERE THE GOOD OLD DAYS


APPLEGATE
Whenever I'm from time to time depressed
And a trauma wells and swells
Within my breast
I find some pride deep inside of me
And I fondly walk down the lane of memory
I see Bonaparte
A mean one if ever I've seen one
And Nero fiddlin' thru that lovely blaze
Antionetts, dainty queen, with her quaint guillotine
Ha ha ha ha
Those were the good old days

I see Indians draggin'
An empty covered wagon
When scalping the settlers was the latest crazew
And that glorious morn, Jack the Ripper was born
Ha ha ha ha
Those were the good old days

I'd sit in my rockin' chair peacefully rockin' there
Counting my blessings by the score
The rack was in fashion, the plagues were my passion
Each day held a new joy in store

Was anybody happy?

I see cannibals munchin' a missionary luncheon
The years may have flown but the memory stays
Like the hopes that were dashed when the stock market crashed
Ha ha ha ha
Those were the good old days

I'd walk a million miles or more
For some of the gore
Of those good
Old
Days!



TWO LOST SOULS


JOE & LOLA
Two lost souls on the highway of life
We ain't even got a sister or brother
Ain't it just great, ain't it just grand?
We've got each other!

Two lost ships on a stormy sea
One with no sails and one with no rudder
Ain't it just great, ain't it just grand?
We've got each udder!

Two lost sheep, in the wilds of the hills
Far from the other Jacks and Jills, we wandered away and went astray
But we ain't fussin'
Cuz we've got "us'n"

We're two lost souls on the highway of life
And there's no one with whom we would ruther
Say, "Ain't it just great, ain't it just grand?"
We've got each other!

Wherever we go, whatever we do
As long as you've got me, and I've got you
We've got each other

We ain't fussin'- cuz we got "us'n."



A MAN DOESN'T KNOW (Reprise)


MEG
A woman doesn't know what she has
Until she loses it
When a woman has the love of a man
She abuses it
I didn't know what I had when I
Had my old love
I didn't know what I had 'til
I said, "Goodbye old love!"
Yes, a woman doesn't know what she has 'til it is
No longer around

MEG & JOE
But the happy thought is
Whatever it is that's lost
May some day once again
Be
Found!