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Forbidden Broadway Strikes Back

Forbidden Broadway Strikes Back Created, Written and Directed By Gerard Alessandrini Costume Design By Alvin Colt Wig Design by Stephen La Liberte Lighting Design by Marc Janowitz Sound Design by Matthew Agrell Production Stage Manager:Ginger M. James Musical Director:Catherine Stornetta General Manager:Harriet Yellin Associate Director/Choreographer Phillip George CAST David Benoit Lori Blalock Neal Mayer Robin Thompson RANT! ("Rent") MARK: How do you keep up with the fads When all the fads are multiplyin' by 3? Big ads, small ads blow my mind And now--EGADS!--this new show to see! MARK & ROGER: Rent! ROGER: How do you get inside, when the paper lied And said that there are good seats to spare? With such adulation, late cancellation For two seats Is extremely rare. MARK: It's a big, snubby smash hit! ROGER: We're desperate to crash it! BOTH: How we gonna get...? (3x) ...seats to "RENT"? MARK: Close up on "RENT". We're in the East Village looking around for some misery to photograph. Cut to Ave. B. Zoom down the street. No one's left! ROGER: They've all moved to West 43rd St. where they're now squatting in the rarely used Nederlander theatre. MARK: Nederlander theatre! How're we gonna get in there? There's only one thing left to do... BOTH: Check the libretto. MARK: Zoom in on a hand-held copy of an ancient text we found buried under the crumbling marble of Lincoln Center. ROGER: This strange and wonderful book is a book of prophesy. It's called... BOTH: L-A Boheeeeeeeeeeme! (Supposed to be mispronounced) MARK: It tells us what the hell's goin' on in this show. ROGER: Yeah! And what's gonna happen next. MARK: Check scene 2. ROGER: Hey, it says write here: with a breaking-back-into-the-theatre party...TONIGHT!!! MARK: Yes! BOTH: Now we're gonna get...(3x) ...into "RENT". Let's see "RENT". Where they rant! Rant! Rant! Rant! Rant! Rant! Rantrantrantrantrantrantrantrant! Break back into "RENT". 'Cause all our cash is spent! OUCH! THEY'RE TIGHT! ("Out Tonight!") (Song starts after, "We won't be back before it's Christmas Day! Take me out tonight.") MARK: Scene 3: Daphne Rubin-Vega plays Mimi. In "Boheme", she's a sweet, shy seamstress. Now, she's a CRACK-HEAD, NYMPHOMANIAC PROSTITUTE!!! YEEEEAAAH!! MIMI: Meow...Hah! Ooh-woah-ooh-woah-woah-wa-woah-oh... Watch me get a wink from the stagehand, Wearin' my blue vinyl pants. As smooth as skin...I can't breath in. And so, when I dance, I scream, "Ou-uuuch! They're tight!" I have to scream, "Ou-uuuch! They're tight!" Uh-huh... I have to scowl, Hoot like an owl. I'm in such pain I gotta ho-oooowl 'Ouch! They're tight!" In this number, I gotta move. I gotta look sexy and get in the groove. I got a lot to prove, Whimperin' sighs, and faking cries! So, I'll use this bar And hump it like some porno star! But I get scars from con- Torting my aching thighs! I scream, "Ou-uuuch! They're tight!" Ow-ow-ow-ow-oooooooww! Ou-uuuuuch! They're tight! TOO GAY FOR YOU, TOO HET'RO FOR ME ("Today 4 U...") It was my lucky day, one day, on Ave. A When they drove me in a limousine to Broadway. They said, "Darling, you're a dear and the queer of the year! But tone it down or else the straight, suburban crowd will disappear! Be Chita--Evita! Just don't act up! Please do as we say; you're just a pup. Don't be too fey on old Broadway." Well, I heard that before, and this is what I say: "Too gay for you, too het'ro for me!" (2x) We agreed on a fee, and a six month guarantee. Plus a bonus if I dress up like a Christmas tree. Now who could foretell I'd win awards as well? But playing to the blue-haired girls is candy-wrapper hell. They keep expecting Evita in all her glory, Not a drag-queen tale or a lesbian story. Each bridge 'n tunnel bubbie cries, "Oy! Vat a show!" They tell me, "Get a girlfriend." I just say, "No!" Too gay for you, too het'ro for me! (2x) Back on the street and my life is sweet. I'm rockin' and quick-stockin' to the funky beat. It's all reletive to where and when you live. It's the same, I repeat, on that Broadway street! Sing it! Too gay for you, too het'ro for me! Too gay for you, too het'ro-wa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa For me! PRETTY VOICE SINGING ("Christmas Bells Are Ringing") "RENT" CAST:V Pretty voices singing! (3x) Somewhere else... Not here! SEASONS OF HYPE ("Seasons of Love") "RENT" CAST: 525,600 write-ups. 525,000 magazine spreads. 525,600 photos. How do you measure our swelling heads? Add records, and TV, And midnight on David Letterman. And dozens of groupies in the first row. In 525,600 features, How do you measure the worth of a show? How about hype? Layers of hype! Forget about love! It's a season of hype. Seasons of hype! (2x) SOLOIST 1: 525,600 Tonies. Add on a highly impressive Pulizter prize. Order up 525,600 house seats. Oh, there'd be a riot if the public got wise... ............................ ALL: How sadly ironic That a story about friends Is never to be seen by the like, Just the rich who like trends. Everything's hype. Think about hype. Where is the love? It's the season of hype. SOLOIST 1: Too much hype! Hype, hype, hype! That's all I see! Oy! Such hype! ALL: Seasons of hype! (2x) THIS AIN'T BOHEME ("La Vie Boheme") ALL: This ain't Boheme! (3x) MARK: There was a guy named Giacomo Who wrote an opera long ago. "Boheme," it remains; "La Boheme," we obliterate. As we go against the grain, You'll go insane and we're glad. Did I mention the tension And moves from fifth dimension? We're starving for attention, Full of pretension, Need intervention. A convention of spoiled 20-somethings going mad. Precocious, obnoxious Kids re-inventing hair, And Cher! and Vanity Fair! Aren't we cute, to boot? Here, the grungies hoot! We're such a famous fad! We aren't the Met! Forget That musical gem! ALL: This ain't Boheme! (Skip to "La Vie Boheme B") Yeah! The songs! MARK: It's rock! It's ultra-bluesy! Gold McDermott! Lizzie Swedos! MAUREEN: Stevie Wonder! Leonard Bernstein! Then Puccini! Sondheim! Sweeney! ALL: Style! ROGER: It's styled completely wild! Hand-held mikes and facial fakers! MIMI: Dingy lighting! Metal platforms! Children raging! Messy staging! ALL: Plot! Prostitution! No solution! Some pollution! Generation X! Encounter! Counter-revolution! Everyone has lost their voice, it's true! (variously) I have! And me! And me! And me! (in unison) And you, you and you! It's actors screaming and belching and screaming but Not reaching any high notes! MARK: So if some patrons quake with fear Let's remind all of them: ALL: This ain't Boheme! (5x) MARK (over the above): But now that we are the mainstream, What is out of the mainstream? How do we offend? What's the new trend? We need a show! A new show! The opposite of "RENT" ain't "Boheme"; It's Oklahoma! (Awkward pause) ALL (Unsure, but gains confidence): Yeah... It's Oklahoma! (3x) ("Oklahoma") O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A! ("Rent") Viva la... ("Oklahoma") Oklahoooooooma! YO!!! DEATH AND RESSURECTION (Groan from Daphne Rubin-Vega) ("Musetta's Waltz" plays) ANTHONY: Close-up on Daphne, now dying from exhaustion after doing "RENT" for only six months! Will Adam be able to revive her with his new hit song? ADAM (Like his cry, "Mimi!" just after he finishes "Your Eyes"): Daphneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! DAPHNE: Moo! ALL: She's back! DAPHNE: I swear, I died! I was goin' through a tunnel--the Lincoln Tunnel, I think--goin' towards a warm white light, leavin' dingy New York for good. ALL: Oh my God! DAPHNE: And I swear, I saw an angel in gold lame and she looked like...Lady Tien, from "The King and I". And she said: LADY TIEN: Go back! Go back home to Broadway. It isn't dead, yet. ADAM: Wow... ANTHONY: Hey! According to the "Boheme" libretto, you're not supposed to come back! You're supposed to be dead! DAPHNE: Yeah, but... ALL: This ain't Boheme! (3x) (Fade off...)