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Funny Girl

Original Broadway Cast Recording

Music by Jule Styne
Lyrics by Bob Merrill
Book by Isobel Lennart

If A Girl Isn't Pretty
 Mrs. Strakosh:
Fanny, when people pay good money in the the-ay-ter--especially the male element--they want something to look at!  If a girl isn't pretty Like a Miss Atlantic City, All she gets in life Is pity and a pat.
Mrs. Brice:
Is a nose with deviation Such a crime against the nation? Should I throw her into jail Or drown the cat?
Mrs. Strakosh, O' Malley and Meeker:
She must shine in ev'ry detail Like a ring you're buying retail, Be a standard size that Fits a standard dress.
Mrs. Strakosh:
When a girl's incidentals Are no bigger than two lentils
Mrs. Strakosh, O' Malley and Meeker:
Then to me that doesn't spell success.

Eddie:
If a girl isn't pretty Like a Miss Atlantic City, She should dump the stage And try another route. Any guy who pays a quarter For a seat just feels he oughter See a figger that his wife can't Substitute.  Kid, my heart ain't made of marble But your rhythm's really horr'ble And that map of yours just ain't no Valentine. Everything you got's about right, But the damn thing don't come out right So forget it, kid, And just resign.
Chorus:
If a girl isn't pretty, If a girl isn't pretty, If a girl isn't pretty, If a girl isn't pretty, If a girl isn't pretty, She should get a job, Go get a job-- Get any job Get a weekly pay, 'Cause if a girl isn't pretty Like a Miss Atlantic City, She's a real Miss Nobody, U.S.A.

I'm The Greatest Star
Listen,
I've got thirty-six expressions--
Sweet as pie to tough as leather,
And that's six expressions more
Than all them Barrymores put together.
Instead of just kicking me
Why don't they give me a lift?
It must be a plot,
'Cause they're scared that I got
Such a gift--well, I'm miffed--'cause
I'm the greatest star--
I am by far, but no one knows it!
Wait, they're gonna hear a voice,
A silver flute--ah hah, ah hah--
They'll cheer each toot
(Yay!  She's terrific!)
When I expose it!
Now, can't you see to look at me
That I'm a nach'ral Camille?
As Camille I just feel
I've so much to offer.
Kid, I know I'd be divine because
I'm a nach'ral cougher.
(coughs)
Some ain't got it--not a lump,
I'm a great big clump of talent!
Laugh!
They'll bend in half.
(Did you ever hear the story about the traveling salesman?)
A thousand jokes:
Stick around for the jokes,
A thousand faces.  I reiterate,
When you're gifted,
Then you're gifted,
These are facts--I got no axe to grind.
Hey, what are they--blind?
In all of the world so far
I'm the greatest star!
Who is the pip with piz-azz?
Who is all ginger and jazz?
Who is as glamorous as?
Who's an American Beauty rose
With an American Beauty nose,
And ten American Beaty toes,
Eyes on the target, and wham--
One shot, one gun shot and bam!
Hey, Mr. Ziegfeld, here I am!
I'm the greatest star,
I am by far,
But no one knows it!
That's why I was born--
I'll blow my horn
Till someone blows it!
I'll light up like a light
Right up like a light
I'll flicker, then flare up
All the world's gonna stare up
Lookin' down
You'll never see me--
Try the sky,
'Cause that'll be me.
I can make 'em cry,
I can make 'em sigh,
Someday they'll clamor
For my dram-er.
Have you guessed yet,
Who's the best yet?
If you ain't I'll tell you one more time.
You bet your last dime
In all of the world so far
I'm the greatest, greatest star!

Cornet Man
Well--
I just put the kids to sleep
And swept the shack,
Took my sweet man's satchel down
And watched him pack,
I said, "Darlin', while the stove still smolders,
Unpin your woman's hair and rub her shoulders."
I threw myself across the doorway
Beggin', "Stay, sweet man, stay,"
But there's more in my man's life
Than this old hag.
It's Jelly Roll Morton, and a shiny cornet,
And jazzin' the rag!
The lady ain't been born
Can take the place of a horn,
With a cornet man.
A-goin' where there's blowin',
Trav'lin' cornet man.
Just anytime they call him
He'll leave his wife and kiddies
Sittin' with their tongues out
To play for peanuts in a dive
And blow his lungs out.
He'll hop a choo-choo on a moment's notice
To play some dates with Billy Bates
Or Rag-time Otis!
The lady ain't see light
Can give a horn a fair fight
With a cornet man
A rootin', shootin', ever-tootin' Dapper Dan
Who carries in his satchel
A powder-blue Norfolk suit,
A silver-plated wah-wah mute,
There is whiskey, gamblin'--each one is a curse,
But I'm up against a devil that's worse.
Yes, a horn is my thorn,
My trav'lin' cornet man!
Kill yourself!  Tell me about it!  Yeah!  Yeah!
A powder-blue Norfolk suit,
I said a silver-plated wah-wah mute,
Oh he's shy on height,
He's short on weight,
But he's the only man can make my coffee perculate,
A Dapper Dan,
My cornet-playin' man.

Who Taught Her Everything?

Mrs. Brice:
Eddie, the Ziegfeld Follies! Now she belongs to the ages! My work is done, My work is done,
Eddie:
Our work is done, She doesn't need us, She'll have cake, We'll have crumbs. Be careful of the stage door, Here she comes, here she comes. Hello, Fanny, hello.
Mrs. Brice:
Hello, Fanny--it's me--Mama. What do you mean--Mama who?
Eddie:
It's good to see her . . . from afar,
Mrs. Brice:
I lost a daughter but I gained a star.
Eddie:
That's Broadway! And Who taught her ev'rything she knows? I taught her ev'rything she knows-- She sings like a bird-- (Whistles) Yes, indeed! But who used to stand there And feed her the seed? Who taught her how to pick her clothes?
Mrs. Brice:
Eddie, that I did.
Eddie:
Yeah, but who taught her her how to tap her toes? But will she admit it? Kid, you said it. They all forget they know ya When it comes to credit. Tell me have you ever seen her take this pose? I taught her ev'rything-- How to hoof, And how to sing, I taught her ev'rything she knows.
Mrs. Brice:
Wait, Eddie--she'll blame us yet. Who taught her ev'rything she knows?
Eddie:
Let me hear it, Rosie.
Mrs. Brice:
I taught her ev'rything she knows.
Eddie:
Ain't it the truth!
Mrs. Brice:
That mischievous smile, The devil may care, You don't pull Such mannerisms Out of the air. The men who are older might prefer The original manufactur-er.
Both:
It hurts me to say it, But why not be fair-- When you see her on the stage You're seein' me there.
Mrs. Brice:
She still has trouble executin' one of those,
Eddie:
If they could have paid the price, They'd have hired Rosie Brice,
Mrs. Brice:
Who stands after every show Sellin' matches in the snow.
Eddie:
But in the world of grease paint, That's the way it goes.
Both:
We taught her everything-- How to hoof and how to sing, We taught her how to wack A joke from here to Hackensack--ya, ha, ha, ha! We taught her everything, We taught her ev'rything she knows.


His Love Makes Me Beautiful

Tenor:
For better or for worse, "Oh Promise Me," Why does ev'ry bride glow ravishingly? Within the secret heart of ev'ry bride These are the words repeating, repeating, Repeating inside:  (Bing, bong, bing, bong)  You are the beautiful reflection Of his love's affection, A walking illustration Of his adoration  His love makes you beautiful, So beautiful, So beautiful, You ask your looking glass, What is it? Makes you so exquisite? The answer to your query Comes back, dearie-- His love makes you beautiful, So beautiful, So beautiful, And woman loved is woman glorified! You'll make a beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful bride!
Chorus:
Here comes the bride, Another beautiful bride. Ziegfeld presents her With justifiable pride.
.
Fanny:
I am the beautiful reflection Of my love's affection, A walking illustration Of his adoration. His love makes me beautiful, So beautiful, So beautiful,
Tenor:
And woman loved is woman glorified--
Fanny:
I'll make a beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful--  I'm beautiful?  Oy!
Chorus:
You are so beautiful, You are so beautiful, You are so beautiful,
Tenor:
Such a beautiful bride.


I Want To Be Seen With You Tonight

Nick:
I want to be seen, be seen with you, With you on my arm, To wear you like a charm, Your glitter decorating my arm. Now, natch'rally such proximity Gives rumors a rise, We'll let them analyze What our amalgamation implies. Oh yes, The gossips will press, So willing to stress The seamy side-- Know what? So what! I want to be seen, be seen with you, With you on my arm. Let's give this town a light, And hit it like a me-te-or-ite--tonight. I want to be seen with you.
Fanny:
The moon over mother's saloon, Have a nice macaroon I'll buy you a light beer.
Nick:
Right, dear.
Both:
I want to be seen, be seen with you,
Nick:
With you on my arm. Let's give this town a light And hit it like a me-te-or-ite--
Both:
Tonight--I want to be seen with,
Nick:
Oh, please let me be seen with,
Fanny:
And I would like to be seen with
Both:
I want to be seen with you.


Henry Street

All:
Henry Street, No, it ain't Broadway, it's Henry Street. Way after midnight Lit up as bright as a lighthouse Brighter tonight than the White House.
Boys:
We're proud to tell you that C.P.A.'s We got in dozens, and lawyers, take your choice. Messes and messes of young D.D.-esses, A looney who teaches voice,
Girls:
Ah, ha, ha, ha--
All:
Henry Street has something it ain't had so far: The greatest, most glamorous, genuine, glorified Ziegfeld star. We're proud to tell you that C.P.A.'s We got in dozens, and lawyers, take your choice. Messes and messes of young D.D.-esses, A looney who teaches voice, Ah, ha, ha, ha-- Henry Street has something it ain't had so far: The greatest, most glamorous, genuine, glorified Ziegfeld star.


People
We travel single-oh
Maybe we're lucky, but I don't know--
With them,
Just let one kid fall down
And seven mothers faint.
I guess we're both happy, but maybe--
We ain't.
People--people who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world,
We're children, needing other children
And yet letting our grown-up pride
Hide all the need inside,
Acting more like children
Than children.
Lovers are very special people,
They're the luckiest people
In the world.
With one person, one very special person
A feeling deep in your soul
Says you were half,
Now you're whole.
No more hunger and thirst
But first be a person
Who needs people.
People who need people
Are the luckiest people
In the world!


You are Woman

Nick:
You are woman, I am man, You are smaller, so I can be taller than, You are softer to the touch, It's a feeling I like feeling very much. You are someone I've admired, Still, our friendship Leaves something to be desired. Does it take more explanation than this? You are woman, I am man-- Let's kiss.
Fanny:
Isn't this the height of nonchalance, Furnishing a bed in restaurants? Well, a bit of dinner never hurt, But guess who is gonna be dessert? Do good girls do just what mama says, When mama's not around? It's a feeling, Oy vey, what a feeling.
Nick:
A bit of paté?
Fanny:
I drink it all day.  Should I do the things he'll tell me to? In this pickle what would Nellie do? In my soul I feel an inner lack, Just suppose he wants his dinner back?
Both:
Does it take more explanation than this?
Fanny:
Just some dried-out toast in a sliver, On the top a little chopped liver.  How many girls become a sinner While waiting for a roast beef dinner? Though most girls slip in ordinary ways I got style--I do it bordelaise. Well, at least he thinks I'm special --He ordered a la carte. It's a feeling I like feeling very . . . I feel the feeling down to my toes. Now I feel that there's a fire here, Try that once a little higher, dear, What a beast to ruin such a pearl, Would a convent take a Jewish girl?
Both:
Does it take more explanation than this?
Fanny:
Ooo, the thrills and chills goin' through me, If I stop him now, Can he sue me?
Nick:
You are woman . . .
Fanny:
You are man . . .
Both:
Let's kiss!


Don't Rain on My Parade
Don't tell me not to live,
Just sit and putter,
Life's candy and the sun's
A ball of butter.
Don't bring around a cloud
To rain on my parade.
Don't tell me not to fly--
I've simply got to.
If someone takes a spill,
It's me and not you.
Who told you you're allowed
To rain on my parade!
I'll march my band out,
I'll beat my drum,
And if I'm fanned out,
Your turn at bat, sir.
At least I didn't fake it.
Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it!
But whether I'm the rose
Of sheer perfection,
Or freckle on the nose
Of life's complexion,
The cinder or the shiny apple of its eye,
I gotta fly once,
I gotta try once,
Only can die once, right, sir?
Ooh, love is juicy,
Juicy, and you see
I gotta have my bite, sir!
Get ready for me, love,
'Cause I'm a "comer,"
I simply gotta march,
My heart's a drummer.
Don't bring around a cloud
To rain on my parade!
I'm gonna live and live now,
Get what I want--I know how,
One roll for the whole shebang,
One throw, that bell will go clang,
Eye on the target--and wham--
One shot, one gun shot, and bam--
Hey, Mister Arnstein, here I am!
I'll march my band out,
I will beat my drum,
And if I'm fanned out,
Your turn at bat, sir,
At least I didn't fake it.
Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it.
Get ready for me, love,
'Cause I'm a "comer,"
I simply gotta march,
My heart's a drummer.
Nobody, no, nobody
Is gonna rain on my parade!


Sadie, Sadie
Fanny:
I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady, Bow when I go by. I'm a corporation now, Not me, myself and I. Oh how that marriage license works On chambermaids and hotel clerks. The honeymoon was such delight That we got married that same night. I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady, Still in bed at noon, Racking my brain deciding Between orange juice and prune. Nick says nothing is too good for me, And who am I not to agree? I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady, that's me!
All:
She's Sadie, Sadie, married lady,
Fanny:
Meet a mortgagee,
All:
The owner of an icebox
Fanny:
With a ten-year guarantee. Oh, sit me in the softest seat, Quick, a cushion for my feet. Do for me, buy for me, lift me, carry me, Finally got a guy to marry me! I do my nails, Read up on sales, All day the records play. Then he comes home, I tell him Oy--what a day I had today! I swear I'll do my wifely job, Just sit at home--become a slob! I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady, that's me!
All:
She's Sadie, Sadie, married lady,
Boys:
Sadie, you did the trick.
Fanny:
It's nothing!
Girls:
Not ev'ry girl can get herself A guy who looks like Nick.
Fanny:
Wait, to tell the truth, it hurt my pride-- The groom was prettier than the bride.
All:
Sadie, Sadie, married lady,
Fanny:
Husband, house, a mortgage, a baby,
All:
Sadie, Sadie, married lady,
Fanny:
That's who?
All:
That's you.
Fanny:
That's me--married lady.
All:
Say hello to Ziegfeld's married lady--Sadie!


Find Yourself A Man

Eddie and Mrs. Strakosh:
Find yourself a man--
Mrs. Brice:
You're demented.
Eddie and Mrs. Strakosh:
Find yourself a man--
Mrs. Brice:
That's just what I need.
Eddie:
You'll see what a difference it makes ev'ry day.
Mrs. Brice:
Send me a letter, You'll write me a resumé
Mrs. Strakosh:
Just take me and Dave--
Mrs. Brice:
Romeo and Juliet--
Eddie:
Dave is still her slave.
Mrs. Brice:
Send the slave my regards!
Eddie and Mrs. Strakosh:
Open your heart and from out of the skies A prince on a horse will materialize.
Mrs. Brice:
Boy, is some lucky prince Gonna get a surprise!
All:
Find a man!
Eddie and Mrs. Strakosh:
Find yourself a man,
Mrs. Strakosh:
I repeat it, Rose.
Mrs. Brice:
Find myself a man.
Eddie:
You're defeated, Rose.
Mrs. Brice:
I'll hang a sign out, Big letters that high, Come in and sample You don't have to buy.
Eddie:
Hear a voice talk back.
Mrs. Brice:
I hear voices now.
Mrs. Strakosh:
Money you don't lack--
Mrs. Brice:
Why, you've been countin'? Just what I need is a middle-aged sheik Whose uppers and lowers Will click when he'll speak, And life is a song 'cause he'll click and I'll creak.
All:
Find a man.
Eddie and Mrs. Strakosh:
The man that you select--
Mrs. Brice:
What about him?
Eddie and Mrs. Strakosh:
Must treat you with respect.
Mrs. Brice:
That's important.
Eddie:
He must understand there Are rules to obey, Not toy with your morals And lead you astray.
Mrs. Brice:
Please, darling, let the man do things his way.
Mrs. Strakosh and Eddie:
Find a man--
Mrs. Brice:
I'm a grandmother!
Mrs. Strakosh:
Find a man--
Mrs. Brice:
You got somebody in mind?
All:
Find yourself A man.


Rat-Tat-Tat-Tat

Eddie:
Our boys went rat-tat-tat-tat, Rat-tat-tat-tat, And shot the Kaiser where he sat-tat-tat-at. With every poppity-pop, Some Kraut took a drop. American boys are all such straight shooters-- We'll take care of him, Mother, When he comes home from the war. We'll take care of him, Mother, We'll do everything that you would do--yeah--and more. Rat-tat-tat-tat, We'll give their backs a big pat. They deserve a future full of joys 'Cause they're our Yankee Doodle, Yankee Doodle, Yankee Doodle, Doughboys. Company--Order--Arms--Roll Call--
Company:
I'm Private Jones from Arkansas, I'm Private Smith from Kansas, I'm Private Ryan from Maine, I'm Private Burke from Wisconsin, I'm Private O'Brien from Texas, I'm Private Muntz from Michigan,
Fanny:
.I'm Private Schvartz from Rock-a-way, And I guess you heard reports That the Kaiser runs a block away When they tell him, here comes Schvartz, 'Cause ven I get mad, believe it, Jack, Out from nowhere comes a maniac, A kick in the foot, A shot in the pants-- I wouldn't give a second chance. Schvartz from Rock-a-way.
Chorus:
Private Schwartz Private Schwartz Private Schwartz from Rock-a-way.
Fanny:
I met Mademoiselle from Armentieres And my bagels gave a spin (oy, yoy), She said, Private Schvartz, Come closer, dear! What a tzimmis I got in! Ven you're fighting for democracy, Call on Irving Schvartz and company, I'm through and through Red, white and bluish, I talk this way Because I'm British. Tell Far Rock-a-way, don't pull the dock away, 'Cause sailing home is General Schvartz.
All:
Rat-ta ta ta ta tat, We'll give their backs a big pat. They deserve a great big medal And a loud huzzah, Over here and over there You'll hear Rat-tat a tat tat, Rat-tat a tat tat, Rat tat a tat tat tat, That's our Yankee Doodle, Yankee Doodle Rat tat a tat tat tat Hurrah.


Who Are You Now?
Who are you now,
Now that you're mine?
Are you something more
Than you were before?
Are you warmer in the rain,
Are you stronger for my touch,
Am I giving too little
By my lovin' you too much?
How is the view,
Sunny and green?
How do you compare it to
The views you've seen?
I know I am better, braver and surer too,
But you--are you now--
Who are you now?
Are you someone better for my love?


The Music That Makes Me Dance
I add two and two, the most simple addition,
Then swear that the figures are lying,
I'm a much better comic than mathematician
'Cause I'm better on stage than at intermission,
And as far as the man is concerned,
If I've been burned,
I haven't learned.
I know he's around when the sky and the ground start in ringing,
I know that he's near by the thunder I hear in advance,
His words--his words alone--are the words that can start my heart singing,
And his is the only music that makes me dance.
He'll sleep and he'll rise, in the light of two eyes that adore him.
Bore him it might, but he won't leave my sight for a glance.
In ev'ry way, ev'ry day, I need less of myself and need more him--more him,
'Cause his is the only music that makes me dance,
'Cause his is the only music that makes me dance.


Don't Rain On My Parade (Reprise)
I'll march my band out,
I'll beat my drum,
Guess we didn't make it,
At least I didn't fake it.
Don't tell me not to live,
Just sit and putter,
Life's candy; the sun's
A ball of butter.
Don't bring around a cloud
To rain on my parade.
I'm gonna live and live now,
Get what I want I know how,
All that the law will allow.
Hey, gorgeous, here we go again.
Well, here it goes, kid,
No lookin' back,
Stiff upper nose, kid,
Let's give 'em hell, Brice,
We'll cry a little later,
Well, Brice, that's life in the the-a-ter!
Get ready for me, world,
'Cause I'm a "comer,"
I simply gotta march,
My heart's a drummer.
Nobody, no, nobody
Is gonna rain on my parade.