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Anything Goes
ACT ONE
1.PRELUDE
2.I GET A KICK OUT OF YOU
RENO
My story is much too sad to be told,
But practically ev'rything leaves me totally cold
The only exception I know is the case
When I'm out on a quiet spree
Fighting vainly the old ennui
And I suddenly turn and see
Your fabulous face.
I get no kick from champagne.
Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all,
So tell me why should it be true
That I get a kick out of you?
Some get a kick from cocaine.
I'm sure that if I took even one sniff
That would bore me terrific'ly too
Yet I get a kick out of you.
I get a kick ev'rytime I see
You standing there before me.
I get a kick though it's clear to me
You obviously don't adore me.
I get no kick in a plane,
Flying too high with some guy in the sky
Is my idea of nothing to do,
Yet I get a kick out of you.
3.THERE'S NO CURE LIKE TRAVEL
GIRL
My dear, you're sailing off without me.
Yet you don't seem to give a damn.
SAILOR
I know it's fearful of me not to be
More tearful,
But thank heaven I am.
GIRL
You mean to say you're glad to leave me?
Can I believe that's what you mean?
SAILOR
Why, don't be funny, I'm just wild about you, honey,
But I'm oh, so glad, so glad,
It's driving me mad to say goodbye
To all things that typify
The humdrum of my daily routine.
CREW
And there's no cure like travel
To help you unravel
The worries of living today.
When the poor brain is cracking
There's nothing like packing
A suitcase and sailing away.
Take a run 'round Vienna,
Granada, Ravenna, Sienna
And then a-'round Rome.
Have as high time, a low time,
And in no time
You'll be singing "Home, Sweet Home".
4.BON VOYAGE
PURSER
Final call! All ashore that's goin' ashore!
Final call!
CREW
Bon voyage,
PASSENGERS
You mean "Bon Voyage".
CREW
I hate to say goodbye, sweetheart.
By the seashore,
PASSENGERS
You mean "sur la plage".
All
I'll wait and watch the sea
Till you come back to me,
CREW
Oh my dearie,
PASSENGERS
You mean "ma chérie",
CREW
I'm yours for life,
PASSENGERS
You mean "pour la vie",
CREW
So kiss me, pretty wench,
All
In English or in French.
Bon voyage - "bon voyage".
CREW
And there's no cure like travel
To help you unravel, etc.
PASSENGERS
Bon voyage,
I mean "bon voyage", etc.
All
And there's no cure like travel
To help you unravel
The worries of living today.
When the poor brain is cracking
There's nothing like packing
A suitcase and sailing away.
Take a run 'round Vienna,
Granada, Ravenna, Sienna
And then a-'round Rome.
Have as high time, a low time,
And in no time
You'll be singing "Home, Sweet Home".
5.YOU'RE THE TOP
RENO
Billy, where's the old Crocker confidence? You
Think he's got one tiny fraction of your brains,
your looks, your...your...
At words poetic, I'm so pathetic
That I always have found it best,
Instead of getting 'em off my chest,
To let 'em rest unexpressed,
I hate parading my serenading
As I'll probably miss a bar,
But if this ditty is not so pretty
But least it'll tell you
How great you are.
You're the top!
You're the Colosseum.
You're the top!
You're the Louvre Museum.
You're a melody from a symphony by Strauss
You're a Bendel bonnet,
A Shakespeare's sonnet,
You're Mickey Mouse.
You're the Nile,
You're the Tower of Pisa,
You're the smile on the Mona Lisa
I'm a worthless check, a total wreck, a flop,
But if, baby, I'm the bottom you're the top!
BILLY
Your words poetic are not pathetic.
On the other hand, babe, you shine,
And I can feel after every line
A thrill divine
Down my spine.
Now gifted humans like Vincent Youmans
Might think that your song is bad,
But I got a notion
I'll second the motion
And this is what I'm going to add;
You're the top!
You're Mahatma Gandhi.
You're the top!
You're Napoleon Brandy.
You're the purple light
Of a summer night in Spain,
You're the National Gallery
You're Garbo's salary,
You're cellophane.
You're sublime,
You're turkey dinner,
You're the time, the time of a Derby winner
I'm a toy balloon that is fated soon to pop
But if, baby, I'm the bottom,
You're the top!
RENO
You're the top!
You're an arrow collar
You're the top!
You're a Coolidge dollar,
You're the nimble tread
Of the feet of Fred Astaire,
You're an O'Neill drama,
BILLY
You're Whistler's mama,
RENO
You're camembert.
BILLY
You're a rose,
You're Inferno's Dante,
RENO
You're the nose
On the great Durante.
I'm just in a way,
As the French would say, "de trop".
But if, baby, I'm the bottom,
You're the top!
BILLY
You're the top!
You're a dance in Bali.
You're the top!
You're a hot tamale.
You're an angel, you,
Simply too, too, too diveen,
You're a Boticcelli,
RENO
You're Keats,
BILLY
You're Shelly,
RENO
You're Ovaltine.
BILLY
You're a boom,
You're the dam at Boulder,
You're the moon,
Over Mae West's shoulder,
I'm the nominee of the G.O.P.
RENO
Or GOP!
BILLY
But if, baby, I'm the bottom,
You're the top!
RENO
You're the top!
You're a Waldorf salad.
You're the top!
You're a Berlin ballad.
You're the boats that glide
On the sleepy Zuider Zee,
You're an old Dutch master,
BILLY
You're Lady Astor,
RENO
You're broccoli.
BILLY
You're romance,
You're the steppes of Russia,
You're the pants on a Roxy usher,
I'm a broken doll, a fol-de-rol, a blop,
BOTH
But if, baby, I'm the bottom,
You're the top!
6.EASY TO LOVE
HOPE
You're being terribly bad, Billy.
Why, we hardly know each other.
BILLY
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Me and you -who am I kidding?
I know too well that I'm
Just wasting precious time
In thinking such a thing could be
That you could ever care for me.
I'm sure you hate to hear
That I adore you, dear,
But grant me, just the same,
I'm not entirely to blame, for...
You'd be so easy to love,
So easy to idolize, all others above,
So sweet to waken with,
So nice to sit down to the eggs and bacon with.
We'd be so grand at the game,
So carefree together that it does seem a shame
That you can't see
Your future with me
'Cause you'd be, oh, so easy to love...
You'd be so easy to love,
So easy to idolize, all others above,
So worth the yearning for,
So swell to keep ev'ry home fire burning for.
Oh, how we'd bloom, how we'd thrive
In a cottage for two, or even three, four or five,
So try to see
Your future with me
'Cause you'd be, oh, so easy to love...
HOPE
Billy, this is all wrong. I'm marrying Evelyn.
Nothing can change that!
BILLY
You can change that. All you have to do is say -
HOPE
No! If you don't let me alone, I'll make a scene!
BILLY
You love me, Hope - you're going to marry me!
HOPE
'Cause you'd be, oh, so easy to love...
7.I WANT TO ROW ON THE CREW
ELISHA WHITNEY
I want to row on the crew, Mama,
That's the thing I want to do, Mama.
To be known throughout Yale as I walk about it,
Get a boil on my tail and then talk about it.
I'd like to be a big bloke, Mama,
And learn the new Argentine stroke, Mama.
You'll see your slim son
Putting crimps in the Crimson,
When I row on the Varsity Crew.
8.SAILOR'S CHANTEY
QUARTET
A sailor's life is supposed to be
A hell of a lot of fun,
Yes, but when you're a sailor,
Take it from me,
You work like a son of a gun.
They give us jobs of ev'ry kind
And chores of ev'ry sort,
But sweat away, sailor, you don't mind
'Cause you know when we reach port
There will always be a lady fair,
A Jenny fair or a Sadie fair,
There'll always be a lady fair,
Who's waiting there for you.
There will always be a lady fair,
To smooth your troubles
And muss your hair,
There'll always be a lady fair,
Who's waiting there for you.
There will always be a girl's caress,
To change your answer
From a NO to YES,
There'll always be a lady fair,
Who's waiting there for you.
9.FRIENDSHIP
MOON
You know, Reno, we should have teamed up years ago.
RENO
We're two of a kind, all right.
MOON
Partners!
RENO
Through thick and thin!
MOON
Night and day!
RENO
Right or wrong!
MOON
If you're ever in a jam, here I am.
RENO
If you ever need a pal, I'm your gal.
MOON
If you ever feel so happy you land in jail,
I'm your bail.
BOTH
It's friendship, friendship,
Just a perfect blendship,
When other friendships have been forgot
Ours will still be hot!
Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle-dig-dig-dig.
MOON
If you're ever down a well, ring my bell.
RENO
If you ever catch on fire, send a wire.
MOON
If you ever lose your teeth
When you're out to dine,
Borrow mine.
BOTH
It's friendship, friendship,
Just a perfect blendship,
When other friendships have ceased to jell
Ours will still be swell!
Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle-hep-hep-hep.
RENO
If they ever black your eyes, put me wise.
MOON
If they ever cook your goose, turn me loose.
RENO
If they ever put a bullet through your brr-ain
I'll complain.
BOTH
It's friendship, friendship,
Just a perfect blendship,
When other friendships go up in smoke,
Ours will still be oke!
Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle-goof-goof-goof.
MOON
If you ever lose your mind, I'll be kind.
RENO
If you ever lose your shirt, I'll be hurt.
MOON
If you're ever in a mill and get sawed in half,
I won't laugh.
BOTH
It's friendship, friendship,
Just a perfect blendship,
When other friendships have been "forgate"
Ours will still be great!
RENO
If they ever crack your spine, drop a line.
MOON
If they ever cut your throat, write a note.
RENO
If they ever make a cannibal stew of you,
Invite me too!
BOTH
It's friendship, friendship,
Just a perfect blendship,
When other friendships are up the crick,
Ours will still be slick!
Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle-
MOON
Quack-quack-quack
RENO
Woof-woof-woof
BOTH
When other friendships have been forgot,
Ours will still be hot!
MOON
Quack-quack-quack
RENO
Woof-woof-woof
10.IT'S DE-LOVELY
BILLY
The night is young, the skies are clear
So if you want to go walking, dear,
It's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely.
I understand the reason why
You're sentimental, 'cause so am I,
It's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely.
You can tell at a glance
What a swell night this is for romance,
You can hear dear Mother Nature
Murmuring low,
"Let yourself go!"
So please be sweet, my chickadee,
And when I kiss you, just say to me,
"It's delightful, it's delicious,
It's delectable, it's delirious,
It's dilemma, it's delimit, it's deluxe,
It's de-lovely".
HOPE
I feel a sudden urge to sing
The kind of ditty that invokes the spring.
BILLY
I'll control my desire to curse
While you crucify the verse.
HOPE
This verse I started seems to me
The Tin-Pantithesis of a melody,
BILLY
So spare us all the pain,
Just skip the darn thing and sing the refrain...
HOPE
Mi, mi, mi, mi,
Re, re, re, re,
Do, sol, mi, do, la, si.
The night is young, the skies are clear
So if you want to go walking, dear,
It's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely.
I understand the reason why
You're sentimental, 'cause so am I,
It's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely.
You can tell at a glance
What a swell night this is for romance,
You can hear dear Mother Nature
Murmuring low,
"Let yourself go!"
BILLY
So please be sweet, my chickadee,
And when I kiss you, just say to me,
"It's delightful, it's delicious,
It's...It's de-lovely".
11.ANYTHING GOES
RENO
Times have changed,
And we've often rewound the clock,
Since the Puritans got a shock,
When they landed on Plymouth Rock.
If today,
Any shock they should try to stem,
'Stead of landing on Plymouth Rock,
Plymouth Rock would land on them.
In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking,
But now, God knows,
Anything Goes.
Good authors too who once knew better words,
Now only use four letter words
Writing prose, Anything Goes.
The world has gone mad today
And good's bad today,
And black's white today,
And day's night today,
When most guys today
That women prize today
Are just silly gigolos
And though I'm not a great romancer
I know that I'm bound to answer
When you propose,
Anything goes
When grandmama whose age is eighty
In night clubs is getting matey with gigolo's,
Anything Goes.
When mothers pack and leave poor father
Because they decide they'd rather be tennis pros,
Anything Goes.
If driving fast cars you like,
If low bars you like,
If old hymns you like,
If bare limbs you like,
If Mae West you like
Or me undressed you like,
Why, nobody will oppose!
When every night,
The set that's smart
Is intruding in nudist parties in studios,
Anything Goes.
RENO, PASSENGERS & CREW
The world has gone mad today
And good's bad today,
And black's white today,
And day's night today,
When most guys today
That women prize today
Are just silly gigolos
And though I'm not a great romancer
I know that I'm bound to answer
When you propose,
Anything goes
RENO
If saying your prayers you like,
If green pears you like
If old chairs you like,
If back stairs you like,
If love affairs you like
With young bears you like,
Why nobody will oppose!
ALL
And though I'm not a great romancer
And though I'm not a great romancer
I know that I'm bound to answer
When you propose,
Anything goes...
Anything goes!
ACT TWO
12.ENTR'ACTE
Orchestra
13.PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE
CAPTAIN
Tonight there's going to be some fun
PASSENGERS
Some fun-o! Some fun-o!
CAPTAIN
For Public Enemy Number One .
PASSENGERS
Public Enemy Number One-o!
PURSER
Our gallant captain has told the staff
PASSENGERS
The staff-o! The staff-o!
PURSER
It's time for killing the fatted calf,
As he's throwing a party on behalf
Of Public Enemy Number One.
PASSENGERS
Public Enemy Number One-o!
ALL
Public Enemy Number One,
Thank thee for ev'rything thou hast done.
Blessings on thee, thou noble chap,
For putting this boat of ours on the map.
Thank thee heartily, holy man,
For taking this liner American,
For henceforth we'll be crowded on ev'ry run
Due to thee, Public Enemy Number One.
Amen!
14.BLOW, GABRIEL, BLOW
RENO
Brothers and sisters, we are here tonight to fight the devil...
Do you hear that playin'?
COMPANY
Yes, we hear that playin'!
RENO
Do you know who's playin'?
COMPANY
No, who is that playin'?
RENO
Well, it's Gabriel, Gabriel playin'!
Gabriel, Gabriel sayin'
"Will you be ready to go
When I blow my horn?"
Oh, blow, Gabriel, blow,
Go on and blow, Gabriel, blow!
I've been a sinner, I've been a scamp,
But now I'm willin' to trim my lamp,
So blow, Gabriel, blow!
Oh, I was low, Gabriel, low,
Mighty low, Gabriel, low.
But now since I have seen the light,
I'm good by day and I'm good by night,
So blow, Gabriel, blow!
Once I was headed for hell,
Once I was headed for hell;
But when I got to Satan's door
I heard you blowin' on your horn once more,
So I said, "Satan, farewell!"
And now I'm all ready to fly,
Yes, to fly higher and higher!
'Cause I've gone through brimstone
And I've been through the fire,
And I purged my soul
And my heart too,
So climb up the mountaintop
And start to blow, Gabriel, blow
ALL
Come on and blow, Gabriel, blow!
RENO
I want to join your happy band
And play all day in the Promised Land.
So blow, Gabriel, blow!
Come on you scamps, get up you sinners!
You're all too full of expensive dinners.
Stand up on your lazy feet and sing!
ALL
Blow, Gabriel, blow, (Blow, Gabriel!)
Go on and blow, Gabriel, blow. (Blow, Gabriel!)
I've been a sinner, I've been a scamp,
But now I'm willin' to trim my lamp,
So blow, Gabriel, blow.
I was low, Gabriel, low, (Low, Gabriel!)
Mighty low, Gabriel, low.
But now since that I have seen the light
I'm good by day and I'm good by night
So blow, Gabriel, blow.
RENO
Once I was headed for hell,
Once I was headed for hell;
But when I got to Satan's door
I heard you blowin' on your horn once more,
So I said, "Satan, farewell!"
And now I'm all ready to fly,
Yes, to fly higher and higher!
'Cause I've gone through brimstone
And I've been through the fire,
And I purged my soul
And my heart too,
So climb up the mountaintop
And start to blow, Gabriel, blow
ALL
Go on and blow, Gabriel, blow!
RENO
I want to join your happy band
And play all day in the Promised Land.
So blow, Gabriel!
ALL
Go on and...
Blow, Gabriel, blow
Blow, Gabriel, blow
Blow, Gabriel, blow
I wanna join your happy band
And play all day in the Promised Land,
So blow, Gabriel, blow, Gabriel, blow, Gabriel, blow!
15.GOODBYE, LITTLE DREAM, GOODBYE
HOPE
Goodbye, little dream, goodbye,
You made my romance sublime,
Now it's time to fly,
For the stars have fled from heavens,
The moon's deserted the hill,
And the sultry breeze that sang in the trees
Is suddenly strangely still.
It's done little dream it's done,
So bid me a fond farewell,
We both had our fun.
Was it Romeo or Juliet who said
When about to die,
"Love is not all peaches and cream",
Little dream, goodbye.
16.BE LIKE THE BLUEBIRD
MOON
You know your problem, Billy?
You ain't got no philosophy.
It's like Dillinger once told me:
"Remember, it's always the darkest
just before they turn on the lights."
There's an old Australian bush song
That Melba used to sing,
A song that always cheered me when I was blue.
Even Melba said this bush song
Was a helluva song to sing,
So be quiet whilst I render it for you.
When your instinct tells you that disaster
Is approaching you faster and faster,
Then be like the bluebird and sing,
"Tweet tweet, tra-la, tra-la, tra-la."
When you know you're headed for the jailer
Don't allow the old face to look paler
But be like the bluebird and sing,
"Tweet tweet, tra-la, tra-la, tra-la."
Be like the bluebird who never is blue,
For he knows from his upbringing what singing can do,
And though by other birdies in the boughs,
He may be told that his efforts are perfectly lousy,
He sings on and on till his troubles are through,
"Tweet tweet, tra-la, tra-la, tra-la."
17.ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT
BILLY
All through the night I delight in your love.
All through the night you're so close to me.
All through the night from a height far above,
You and your love bring me ecstasy.
When dawn comes to waken me,
You're never there at all,
I know you've forsaken me
Till the shadows fall,
But then once again I can dream I've the right
To be close to you all through the night.
HOPE
All through the night I delight in your love.
All through the night you're so close to me.
BILLY, HOPE & CREW
All through the night from a height far above,
You and your love bring me ecstasy.
When dawn comes to waken me,
You're never there at all,
I know you've forsaken me
Till the shadows fall,
And then once again I can dream I've the right
BILLY
Staying close to you all through the night,
CREW
Through the night.
18.THE GYPSY IN ME
EVELYN
I've never told this to anybody before, Miss Sweeney.
It's the Oakleigh family secret. There's something
dark and savage in our blood. In mine especially.
You see...
Long, long ago,
So long ago
I hardly know when,
My great-great-grandmother
Now and then
Stepped out with a gypsy.
Of course she will say she was
A little bit tipsy.
But tipsy, no, no.
Of their love there wasn't a doubt,
So I can't wait to get the stage all set
So I can let the gypsy in me out.
Hiding away
There's a little bit of gypsy in me
Just hanging around
Till that magical night
When the stars by their light
Give mystery to the sleeping lagoon,
While a haunting guitar
Not too near, not too far,
Gaily hums away,
Strums away
A titillating tune.
When I'm there in the dream
With the one in the world
I worship passionately,
At the moment supreme
Will be shown the unknown
Gypsy in me.
19.BUDDIE, BEWARE
ERMA
Come on, fellas, gettin' married's for the birds.
Who needs it?
CREW
We do!
ERMA
Yeah?
Buddie, beware,
Buddie, better take care,
Though at heart I'm a pearl
I'm a difficult girl,
So, buddie, beware.
During Christmas holidays
I develop taking ways
And I'm not at all anti
Pretty things Santy
Brings from Cartier's.
Your devotion I prize
But you must realize, my boys,
Other girl's luxuries
Are my necessities,
So, buddie, beware.
I feel I should put you right.
As I lie in bed at night
While the twinkling stars gleam on,
With my cold cream on
I'm a lovely sight.
And another thing too,
When I'm married to you, my sweet,
If to come home you fail,
I'll open all your mail,
So, buddie, beware.
20.I GET A KICK OUT OF YOU (Reprise)
BILLY
All right, Captain, let's get on with it.
You've got some weddings to perform here.
RENO
Come on, Cap! I've waited all my life to be a Lady!
(to Lord Evelyn),
I get no kick from champagne.
Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all,
So tell me why should it be true
RENO & EVELYN
That I get a kick out of you?
BILLY
(to Hope)
Some get a kick from cocaine.
I'm sure that if I took even one sniff
That would bore me terrific'ly too
BILLY & HOPE
Yet I get a kick out of you.
ALL
I get a kick ev'rytime I see
You standing there before me.
CREW
(to Erma)
I get a kick though it's clear to me
You obviously don't adore me.
ALL
I get no kick in a plane,
Flying too high with some guy in the sky
Is my idea of nothing to do,
Yet I get a kick out of you.
21.ANYTHING GOES (Reprise)
COMPANY
The world has gone mad today
And good's bad today,
And black's white today,
And day's night today,
When most guys today
That women prize today
Are just silly gigolos
And though I'm not a great romancer
I know that I'm bound to answer
When you propose,
Anything goes...
Anything goes!