Mrs. Strakosh:	Fanny, when people pay good money in the the-ay-ter--especially the male element--they want something to look at!  If a girl isn't pretty Like a Miss Atlantic City, All she gets in life Is pity and a pat.
Mrs. Brice:	Is a nose with deviation Such a crime against the nation? Should I throw her into jail Or drown the cat?
Mrs. Strakosh, O' Malley and Meeker:	She must shine in ev'ry detail Like a ring you're buying retail, Be a standard size that Fits a standard dress.
Mrs. Strakosh:	When a girl's incidentals Are no bigger than two lentils
Mrs. Strakosh, O' Malley and Meeker:	Then to me that doesn't spell success.

Eddie:

If a girl isn't pretty Like a Miss Atlantic City, She should dump the stage And try another route. Any guy who pays a quarter For a seat just feels he oughter See a figger that his wife can't Substitute.  Kid, my heart ain't made of marble But your rhythm's really horr'ble And that map of yours just ain't no Valentine. Everything you got's about right, But the damn thing don't come out right So forget it, kid, And just resign.

Chorus:

If a girl isn't pretty, If a girl isn't pretty, If a girl isn't pretty, If a girl isn't pretty, If a girl isn't pretty, She should get a job, Go get a job-- Get any job Get a weekly pay, 'Cause if a girl isn't pretty Like a Miss Atlantic City, She's a real Miss Nobody, U.S.A.

Mrs. Brice:	Eddie, the Ziegfeld Follies! Now she belongs to the ages! My work is done, My work is done,
Eddie:	Our work is done, She doesn't need us, She'll have cake, We'll have crumbs. Be careful of the stage door, Here she comes, here she comes. Hello, Fanny, hello.
Mrs. Brice:	Hello, Fanny--it's me--Mama. What do you mean--Mama who?
Eddie:	It's good to see her . . . from afar,
Mrs. Brice:	I lost a daughter but I gained a star.
Eddie:	That's Broadway! And Who taught her ev'rything she knows? I taught her ev'rything she knows-- She sings like a bird-- (Whistles) Yes, indeed! But who used to stand there And feed her the seed? Who taught her how to pick her clothes?
Mrs. Brice:	Eddie, that I did.
Eddie:	Yeah, but who taught her her how to tap her toes? But will she admit it? Kid, you said it. They all forget they know ya When it comes to credit. Tell me have you ever seen her take this pose? I taught her ev'rything-- How to hoof, And how to sing, I taught her ev'rything she knows.
Mrs. Brice:	Wait, Eddie--she'll blame us yet. Who taught her ev'rything she knows?
Eddie:	Let me hear it, Rosie.
Mrs. Brice:	I taught her ev'rything she knows.
Eddie:	Ain't it the truth!
Mrs. Brice:	That mischievous smile, The devil may care, You don't pull Such mannerisms Out of the air. The men who are older might prefer The original manufactur-er.
Both:	It hurts me to say it, But why not be fair-- When you see her on the stage You're seein' me there.
Mrs. Brice:	She still has trouble executin' one of those,
Eddie:	If they could have paid the price, They'd have hired Rosie Brice,
Mrs. Brice:	Who stands after every show Sellin' matches in the snow.
Eddie:	But in the world of grease paint, That's the way it goes.
Both:	We taught her everything-- How to hoof and how to sing, We taught her how to wack A joke from here to Hackensack--ya, ha, ha, ha! We taught her everything, We taught her ev'rything she knows.

Tenor:	For better or for worse, "Oh Promise Me," Why does ev'ry bride glow ravishingly? Within the secret heart of ev'ry bride These are the words repeating, repeating, Repeating inside:  (Bing, bong, bing, bong)  You are the beautiful reflection Of his love's affection, A walking illustration Of his adoration  His love makes you beautiful, So beautiful, So beautiful, You ask your looking glass, What is it? Makes you so exquisite? The answer to your query Comes back, dearie-- His love makes you beautiful, So beautiful, So beautiful, And woman loved is woman glorified! You'll make a beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful bride!
Chorus:	Here comes the bride, Another beautiful bride. Ziegfeld presents her With justifiable pride.
.
Fanny:	I am the beautiful reflection Of my love's affection, A walking illustration Of his adoration. His love makes me beautiful, So beautiful, So beautiful,
Tenor:	And woman loved is woman glorified--
Fanny:	I'll make a beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful--  I'm beautiful?  Oy!
Chorus:	You are so beautiful, You are so beautiful, You are so beautiful,
Tenor:	Such a beautiful bride.

Nick:	I want to be seen, be seen with you, With you on my arm, To wear you like a charm, Your glitter decorating my arm. Now, natch'rally such proximity Gives rumors a rise, We'll let them analyze What our amalgamation implies. Oh yes, The gossips will press, So willing to stress The seamy side-- Know what? So what! I want to be seen, be seen with you, With you on my arm. Let's give this town a light, And hit it like a me-te-or-ite--tonight. I want to be seen with you.
Fanny:	The moon over mother's saloon, Have a nice macaroon I'll buy you a light beer.
Nick:	Right, dear.
Both:	I want to be seen, be seen with you,
Nick:	With you on my arm. Let's give this town a light And hit it like a me-te-or-ite--
Both:	Tonight--I want to be seen with,
Nick:	Oh, please let me be seen with,
Fanny:	And I would like to be seen with
Both:	I want to be seen with you.

All:	Henry Street, No, it ain't Broadway, it's Henry Street. Way after midnight Lit up as bright as a lighthouse Brighter tonight than the White House.
Boys:	We're proud to tell you that C.P.A.'s We got in dozens, and lawyers, take your choice. Messes and messes of young D.D.-esses, A looney who teaches voice,
Girls:	Ah, ha, ha, ha--
All:	Henry Street has something it ain't had so far: The greatest, most glamorous, genuine, glorified Ziegfeld star. We're proud to tell you that C.P.A.'s We got in dozens, and lawyers, take your choice. Messes and messes of young D.D.-esses, A looney who teaches voice, Ah, ha, ha, ha-- Henry Street has something it ain't had so far: The greatest, most glamorous, genuine, glorified Ziegfeld star.

Nick:	You are woman, I am man, You are smaller, so I can be taller than, You are softer to the touch, It's a feeling I like feeling very much. You are someone I've admired, Still, our friendship Leaves something to be desired. Does it take more explanation than this? You are woman, I am man-- Let's kiss.
Fanny:	Isn't this the height of nonchalance, Furnishing a bed in restaurants? Well, a bit of dinner never hurt, But guess who is gonna be dessert? Do good girls do just what mama says, When mama's not around? It's a feeling, Oy vey, what a feeling.
Nick:	A bit of paté?
Fanny:	I drink it all day.  Should I do the things he'll tell me to? In this pickle what would Nellie do? In my soul I feel an inner lack, Just suppose he wants his dinner back?
Both:	Does it take more explanation than this?
Fanny:	Just some dried-out toast in a sliver, On the top a little chopped liver.  How many girls become a sinner While waiting for a roast beef dinner? Though most girls slip in ordinary ways I got style--I do it bordelaise. Well, at least he thinks I'm special --He ordered a la carte. It's a feeling I like feeling very . . . I feel the feeling down to my toes. Now I feel that there's a fire here, Try that once a little higher, dear, What a beast to ruin such a pearl, Would a convent take a Jewish girl?
Both:	Does it take more explanation than this?
Fanny:	Ooo, the thrills and chills goin' through me, If I stop him now, Can he sue me?
Nick:	You are woman . . .
Fanny:	You are man . . .
Both:	Let's kiss!

Fanny:	I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady, Bow when I go by. I'm a corporation now, Not me, myself and I. Oh how that marriage license works On chambermaids and hotel clerks. The honeymoon was such delight That we got married that same night. I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady, Still in bed at noon, Racking my brain deciding Between orange juice and prune. Nick says nothing is too good for me, And who am I not to agree? I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady, that's me!
All:	She's Sadie, Sadie, married lady,
Fanny:	Meet a mortgagee,
All:	The owner of an icebox
Fanny:	With a ten-year guarantee. Oh, sit me in the softest seat, Quick, a cushion for my feet. Do for me, buy for me, lift me, carry me, Finally got a guy to marry me! I do my nails, Read up on sales, All day the records play. Then he comes home, I tell him Oy--what a day I had today! I swear I'll do my wifely job, Just sit at home--become a slob! I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady, that's me!
All:	She's Sadie, Sadie, married lady,
Boys:	Sadie, you did the trick.
Fanny:	It's nothing!
Girls:	Not ev'ry girl can get herself A guy who looks like Nick.
Fanny:	Wait, to tell the truth, it hurt my pride-- The groom was prettier than the bride.
All:	Sadie, Sadie, married lady,
Fanny:	Husband, house, a mortgage, a baby,
All:	Sadie, Sadie, married lady,
Fanny:	That's who?
All:	That's you.
Fanny:	That's me--married lady.
All:	Say hello to Ziegfeld's married lady--Sadie!

Eddie and Mrs. Strakosh:	Find yourself a man--
Mrs. Brice:	You're demented.
Eddie and Mrs. Strakosh:	Find yourself a man--
Mrs. Brice:	That's just what I need.
Eddie:	You'll see what a difference it makes ev'ry day.
Mrs. Brice:	Send me a letter, You'll write me a resumé
Mrs. Strakosh:	Just take me and Dave--
Mrs. Brice:	Romeo and Juliet--
Eddie:	Dave is still her slave.
Mrs. Brice:	Send the slave my regards!
Eddie and Mrs. Strakosh:	Open your heart and from out of the skies A prince on a horse will materialize.
Mrs. Brice:	Boy, is some lucky prince Gonna get a surprise!
All:	Find a man!
Eddie and Mrs. Strakosh:	Find yourself a man,
Mrs. Strakosh:	I repeat it, Rose.
Mrs. Brice:	Find myself a man.
Eddie:	You're defeated, Rose.
Mrs. Brice:	I'll hang a sign out, Big letters that high, Come in and sample You don't have to buy.
Eddie:	Hear a voice talk back.
Mrs. Brice:	I hear voices now.
Mrs. Strakosh:	Money you don't lack--
Mrs. Brice:	Why, you've been countin'? Just what I need is a middle-aged sheik Whose uppers and lowers Will click when he'll speak, And life is a song 'cause he'll click and I'll creak.
All:	Find a man.
Eddie and Mrs. Strakosh:	The man that you select--
Mrs. Brice:	What about him?
Eddie and Mrs. Strakosh:	Must treat you with respect.
Mrs. Brice:	That's important.
Eddie:	He must understand there Are rules to obey, Not toy with your morals And lead you astray.
Mrs. Brice:	Please, darling, let the man do things his way.
Mrs. Strakosh and Eddie:	Find a man--
Mrs. Brice:	I'm a grandmother!
Mrs. Strakosh:	Find a man--
Mrs. Brice:	You got somebody in mind?
All:	Find yourself A man.

Eddie:	Our boys went rat-tat-tat-tat, Rat-tat-tat-tat, And shot the Kaiser where he sat-tat-tat-at. With every poppity-pop, Some Kraut took a drop. American boys are all such straight shooters-- We'll take care of him, Mother, When he comes home from the war. We'll take care of him, Mother, We'll do everything that you would do--yeah--and more. Rat-tat-tat-tat, We'll give their backs a big pat. They deserve a future full of joys 'Cause they're our Yankee Doodle, Yankee Doodle, Yankee Doodle, Doughboys. Company--Order--Arms--Roll Call--
Company:	I'm Private Jones from Arkansas, I'm Private Smith from Kansas, I'm Private Ryan from Maine, I'm Private Burke from Wisconsin, I'm Private O'Brien from Texas, I'm Private Muntz from Michigan,
Fanny:	.I'm Private Schvartz from Rock-a-way, And I guess you heard reports That the Kaiser runs a block away When they tell him, here comes Schvartz, 'Cause ven I get mad, believe it, Jack, Out from nowhere comes a maniac, A kick in the foot, A shot in the pants-- I wouldn't give a second chance. Schvartz from Rock-a-way.
Chorus:	Private Schwartz Private Schwartz Private Schwartz from Rock-a-way.
Fanny:	I met Mademoiselle from Armentieres And my bagels gave a spin (oy, yoy), She said, Private Schvartz, Come closer, dear! What a tzimmis I got in! Ven you're fighting for democracy, Call on Irving Schvartz and company, I'm through and through Red, white and bluish, I talk this way Because I'm British. Tell Far Rock-a-way, don't pull the dock away, 'Cause sailing home is General Schvartz.
All:	Rat-ta ta ta ta tat, We'll give their backs a big pat. They deserve a great big medal And a loud huzzah, Over here and over there You'll hear Rat-tat a tat tat, Rat-tat a tat tat, Rat tat a tat tat tat, That's our Yankee Doodle, Yankee Doodle Rat tat a tat tat tat Hurrah.