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The Goodbye Girl
Book By Neil Simon
Music by Marvin Hamlisch
Lyrics by David Zippel
Musical numbers:
Act I
Overture
No More
A Beat Behind
My Rules/Elliot Garfield Grant
Good News, Bad News
Don't Follow In My Footsteps
How Can I Win?
Richard Interred
Act II
Entr'acte
Good News, Bad News (Reprise)
Too Good To Be Bad/2 Good 2 B Bad
Who Would Have Thought?
Paula (An Improvised Love Song)
I Think I Can Play This Part
Jump For Joy
What A Guy
Finale
Bows
No More
Paula
My built-in female radar only zeroes-in on zeroes
I'm like the actors' fund supporting wanna be Deniros
I've been caught in a trap
But it's not gonna happen again
No more
Racing toward a heartache
Seeking disappointment
Chasing after dreams
I've trusted more than enough to last me till I die
Love's as unreliable as it seems
No more
Living for another
Craving his approval
Giving to extremes
I'm through collecting broken promises
I've heard them all before
I know more now
In my experience with men I've spent a lifetime proving
You know a man is lying when you see his lips start moving
My women's intuition ought to be recalled
Or overhauled
Most men have backbones like a strand of overcooked
Linguini
You say commitment and they instantly become Houdini
When I look back upon the men I've loved I'm thoroughly
Appalled
I'm gonna build a wall around my heart
A towering fortress made of solid rock
Electric fences all around my heart
The next guy who hits on me
Is in for a shock
I know to let go now
And so I solemnly promise
No more!
Seeking disappointments
Chasing after dreams
With just the two of us now
We're better off by far
You and I are one of the greatest teams
No more
Living for a lover
Craving his approval
Giving to extremes
They say that history repeats itself
I'll build my past goodbye
No more
No more
I know more now!
A Beat Behind
Instructor
(1, 2, 3, 4, lift those legs up)
Higher, it's time to perspire
I wanna know where your fire is
Harder; now show me some ardor
Before you retire from the biz
Paula
Thirty-five
And I can't go the distance
I'm a beat behind
Half alive
Seems my whole damned existence
Is a beat behind
I'm gone to seed
And in need
Of condemning
I've got the drive
To survive of a lemming
Time made me obsolete
And a beat behind
Instructor
Push it class
Cause it gets tougher
Paula, you're a beat behind
Arms apart
For your art, suffer
Paula, move your sweet behind
Stop looking glum
Overcome my inertia
Some season soon
Tommy Tune
May rehearse ya
He'll keep you on your feet
Till you lose your mind
You're a beat behind
Class
Paula, what happened to Paula?
So sad to see Paula fall apart
Paula
Out of breath
Out of shape
And exactly as I thought,
Behind.
Look at her
With the lungs of Madonna
And a taut behind
Somebody
Get me an anti-depressant
She's at the post
Maybe post-adolescent
Time can be so unkind
I'm a beat behind
This is so perverse
Better call a nurse
Better yet a hearse.
I thought I'd bounce right back
A job would fall in place
But what is so appalling is
I'm falling on my face
Well, at least I've got a roof above my head
But if I must die, I'd rather die in bed.
Some one
Wake me
I am in a
Nightmare
I've got
No stamina
Class
Sweat till your sleek at the peak of condition
They're doing shows now with no intermission
Everyone
Step it up
Play the part
Show your stuff
And let your
Heart rate climb
Pour it on
Let `em know that
Your body's workin'
O-ver time
No time to rest time to test your endurance
Paula
Laid-up, in pain, but with paid up ensurance
Everyone
Dance like Astaire, with un-erring precision
Brain cells employed to avoid a collision
Paula
I've got a flat; rent controlled, and a daughter
I'd trade them both for a teaspoon of water
Everyone
Back to the Broadway grind
You're a beat behind
My Rules/Elliot Garfield Grant
Paula
You pay for phone calls, laundry, linen and utilities
I don't make beds or clean, I'm not your chambermaid
You'll use the kitchen and the powder room facilities
When I'm not in them and when all your bills are paid
I want no drinking, drugging, smoking on the premises
Spare us your vulgar, loud off-Broadway calvacade
Disturb my daughter and you'll find no greater nemesis
And stick to language out of Disney on parade
My rules are clear
We'll both pretend that you're not really here
My rules are court
Just follow them and no one will get hurt
Elliot
No!
Paula
No?
Elliot
I'm not happy with the arrangements.
Don't speak
I need your attention, I'm not gonna say this twice
I'm your landlord and this piece of paper says
You've gotta treat me nice,
Lady, I'm the one with the rulebook
Who'll say what you can do and can't
Cause you're living on an Elliot Garfield
An Elliot Garfield grant
God love em
You're living on an Elliot Garfield
An Elliot Garfield grant
Push me
And you will discover
That you're gonna be exiled
You're the guest of my private foundation
You and your poster child
I'm the one who's giving the orders
A not-too-commandant
Ten-hut
You're living on an Elliot Garfield
An Elliot Garfield grant
Look at the gutter and know
There but for the grace of Elliot
Outside it's seven below
You're here, you're warm, you're dry
And I'm the reason why
What a guy
Henceforth we're doing it my way
And there will be no disputes
Think of me as a permanent fixture
I'm planning to set down roots
From now on I'm part of the landscape
A tough indigenous plant
Sunshine
You're living on an Elliot Garfield
An Elliot Garfield grant
No applause, please
You're living on an Elliot Garfield
My rules, my sweet
Your choice is to submit or hit the streets
I like to shower every morning
And I don't like your panties wringing wet on the rod
And if you have to leave your razor on the sink
You run the risk I'll turn into Sweeney Todd
As I'm a crazy kind of guy
Who can't predict when nature calls
Or hunger seizes me
I'll use this honey of a bathroom and the
Goddam kitchen
Anytime it pleases me
I hate an over-heated habitat
As grab a quilt and leave the thermostat to me
I always sleep completely naked, buffo
Window open winter, spring through fall
So if you care to spare your daughter
A reluctant introduction to anatomy
I'd bolt my door at night
And keep that precious kid of yours
From wandering the hall
You have a chip on your shoulder the size
Of the Empire State
Call your charm school and ask for a refund
While I hyperventilate
Get a booster shot for distemper
Then try not to rave and to rant
Lambchop, you're living on an Elliot Garfield
An Elliot Garfield grant
Mister nice guy
You're living on an Elliot Garfield
An Elliot Garfield grant
Don't thank me
You're living on an Elliot Garfield
An Elliot Garfield grant
Good News, Bad News
Eliot
What a gyp-
This I such a rip-off
Every time she sneers at me
I want to rip her upper lip off
But this is not a healthy way to live
I've gotta be more. . .positive
The good news is
She doesn't own a shotgun so I guess I got off cheap
The bad news is tonight I'm counting squatters
When I should be counting sheep
The good news is I'm here in New York where solvency
May await
The bad news is the good news ain't so great
Sure I'm tired, depressed and pissed
I'll pretend to be an optimist
The good news is I'm sharing this apartment with a pair
Of single chicks
The bad news is that one of them is rabid and the
Other's three foot six
Paula
The good news is we're safe in my bed not out on
The street, knock wood
The bad news is he could be here for good
Paula & Eliott
The good news is some quick negotiation
Kept the roof above my head
The bad news is a homicidal maniac
Is ten feet from my bed
Lucy
The bad news is we're stuck with a roommate
This one is a ticking bomb
The good news is-
This time I'm the one who sleeps with mom!
All
The bad news is that I haven't slept a wink
And it's almost dawn
The good news is
Maybe I'll wake up and
Elliot
She'll be
Paula & Lucy
He'll be
All
Gone
Why this?
Why me?
Why now?
Don't Follow In My Footsteps
Paula
Sometimes even mothers make mistakes
And I've made my share
Though I swear I've tried to be the best I can be
But sometimes I forget that you are always there
Like a video camera
Always watching me
Think about your ever-loving mother as a
Luminous example
Just cause I've an appetite for heartache doesn't mean
You need a sample
I'm counting on you to exercise good solid judgement
Totally different from mine
Don't follow in my footsteps
And you're gonna be fine
Lucy
You want me to watch you ev'ry movement and the expect
Me to ignore you
Paula
You can go and make your own mistakes or you can let
Me make them for you
Whenever you see me go down in flames ask the question
Why put my hand in the fire?
Don't follow in my footsteps
Lucy & Paula
These are words to inspire
Paula
Do as I say not as I do
Just to spare the lion's share of what I've been through
Just remember everything that I did wrong
I did it all wrong for you
Lucy
How would you react if I decided to grow up to be a
Dancer?
Paula
I would prob'bly ground you till you're fifty while
I thought about the answer
Lucy
I wanna make my life on the stage just like you did
Paula
Find an original sin
Don't pick up any dance steps
Don't pick up any actors
Don't follow in my footsteps
That's a place to begin
Now and then you've caught me with a cigarette
While wheezing hard and choking
Lucy
Mom, I got the message
That's why I decided to quit smoking
Whenever I'm in a moment
Of doubt, I remember
Mom's an infallible guide
Don't follow in her footsteps
Paula
And you'll fill me with pride
Lucy
Moms have got it rough but if you really want a
Challenge
Be a daughter
Both
It's about as hard as walking on or
Breathing under water
Paula
Where do you find a kid who'll just do what
She's told to?
Lucy
Ripley's believe it or not
Paula
Don't
Both
Follow in my footsteps
Paula
You'll
Both
Miss a lot of potholes
Paula
You'll
Both
Make it though the minefield
It's your very best shot
Paula
So thank you loving momma
Who did it all wrong for you
Both
She's a prefect example
The key to exactly what not to do
How can I win
Paula
How can I learn to trust enough?
And to stop believing all I hear are lies
Open my heart but just enough
To keep an open mind but never close my eyes
To the dangers I alert myself
Making efforts to assert myself
And discovering ways to hurt myself
That no one else has tried
How can I win if I'm not on my side?
How can I dare to feel again?
If I can't let go of past mistakes I've made
Living through each ordeal again
The faith that I misplaced, the price I overpaid
I've been able to endure enough
But I must not want the cure enough
I get back on my feet and sure enough
My hopes and fears collide
How can I win if I'm not on my side?
I live each day like emotions are at war
But I don't remember anymore
Just who or what I'm fighting for
When will delight be mine again?
Will it come or can it be that it's too late?
I want the sun to shine again
But I must walk away from the shadows I create
And though I tell myself it's safer just to hide
How can I win if I keep retreating?
Cheating myself is self-defeating
How can I win if I'm not on my side?
Richard interred
Elliot
I'm dying! I'm dying!
I told myself this tragedy would have a happy ending
I was lying
I'm trapped before the audience from hell and what
I'm selling they aren't buying
I'm dying! I'm flopping!
I let myself get tricked into appearing
Like some undiscovered gender
A bit of Al Pacino a lot of
Shirley Temple on a bender
Mark
This is brilliant
It's a once-in-a-lifetime achievement
It's a vision that I believe in
It's a seminal work of art
How amazing
This theatrical trail I'm blazing
It's a miracle I created
It's a wonder I was ever underrated
An actor
It's hopeless
Mark
Exciting!
An actor
I should be playing Richard
Another actor
If this doesn't work it has to be the lighting
Three actors
I wonder what that sour-looking woman
Sitting on the aisle is writing
Elliot
I'm a flop on off off-Broadway
There's my agent; there he goes
Here at last on off off-Broadway
And I'm wearing pantyhose
Cast of Richard III
If we run one week I can file for unemployment
If we run one week I can file for unemployment
It's a turkey, like the last time
Think of acting as a pastime
I may never work again
Audience members
It's painfull
Pathetic
The whole first row has slipped into a coma
Someone ought to call a medic
I've had more fun while undergoing
Root canal without an anesthetic
Various actors
This is not respectful silence
They are hostile, tense and bored
And I sense impending violence
Elliot
Well, at least I've got a sword
Audience
If we leave right now
We'll be home in time for "Nightline"
If we leave right now
We'll be in time for "Leno"
Audience members
Short of having conniption
I may cancel my subscription
I'll be home in time for "Studs"
Elliot
I know I can play this part
But no one here will even have a clue
I've the right interpretation
And the proper motivation
But my chance was ruined from the start
I really can play this part
Paula
I'm dying! He's dying!
He looks so misera-bleh and
It breaks my heart to see how hard he's trying
And though I'm pretty bored
He strikes a chord in me
I almost feel like crying
Everyone
This show is so perverse
It can't get any worse
I'd love to disappear
The ending must be near
How much longer can I persevere?
I wish I were anywhere but here
He's killing he's career
Good News, Bad News
Elliot
The good news is
The war between the roses
Struck and unexpected truce
And the good news is
She's given me a cause to make my head out of the noose
We're heading toward an interesting chapter
Certain to fascinate
The bad news is she won't be home till eight
Too Good To Be Bad
All
Your sainted mother said to stay away from us
That she looked down on us is no surprise
Your father couldn't spend a day away from us
I still recall the hunger in his eyes
Donna
Your doctor and your dentist suggest that you
Ignore us
Paula
They abhor us
Genna
So they tell you slanderous lies
All
But don't listen to them
Listen to us
Genna
I'm sweets
Donna
I'm fats
Paula
I'm fries
All three
Say so long to self control
Paula
We've a need to feed your soul
Genna
How could we possibly hurt you
All three
We're in every snack and dessert you have had
Honest, sugar
Paula
We're too good to be bad
We're so lonesome on the shelf
Donna
Take us down,
Indulge yourself
All three
We'd like to show you our favors
Paula
And more than a few of the flavors you crave
Genna
Face it, pork rind-
All
You're too weal to behave
All three
Let your appetite run riot
Donna
You know you want us--don't deny it
All three
It's up to you to do or diet
Paula
And everything is better when you deep fat fry it
Life with us is short and sweet
All three
(We're) worth our weight in cellulite
Donna
Health food's for neurotics
Jenna
And macrobiotic's a fad
All three
The FDA requires us to state this warning
The odds are great that you will hate yourself
In the morning
Paula
But eat your heart out
All three
We're too good to be bad
2 Good 2 B Bad (reprise)
Mrs. Crosby
As a dancing French fry
Your mom´s a pretty hot tomato
But get up off that sofa girl
Before you turn into a hot potato
Put down that remote control
Hit the books-no rock and roll
Real life is nothing like Cosby
So move it or else Mrs. Crosby gets mad
Do your homework
You're too good to be bad
You have had too much TV
Mom's not half as strict as me
I know your arm may need twisting
But don't even think of resisting a tad
It's a school night
You're too good to be bad
Drop that phone and don't start yackin'
I wanna hear those books start crackin'
A genie granted me three wishes
Get to your math and history and then do the dishes
Please, don't make me turn to force
You are left with no recourse
Land in the slammer or end up a grammar school grad
You're really awfully hap'nin' for an anglo-saxon
So take a tip from Mrs. C and Michael Jackson
Just don't dis me
You're so good that you're bad!!!
Who Would Have Thought?
Paula
Who would've thought
This subhuman sublet
With an ego the size
Of the national debt
Would live up to his hype
But he isn't my type
Elliot
Who would've thought
I'd subdue and disarm
Her disdain and contempt
With the force of my charm
She'd resist if she could
I must really be good
Paula & Elliot
Why couldn't I see it coming?
Why didn't I have a clue?
I suddenly fell like humming
Paula
And I must put a stop to this soon
Elliot
I can feel that she's changing her tune
Paula
Who would believe
I'm enough of a fool
To be taking the plunge
After draining the pool
We may learn to be friends
But that's right where it ends
Paula & Elliot
All that I know
Is that just down the hall
In the very next room
Through this paper-thin wall
There's a creature I hated
I can't wait to wake up and see
Who would have thought that
Paula
This nightmare
Elliot
This wonderful blunder
Paula & Elliot
Would happen to me
Who would have thought?
Lucy & Cynthia
Who would have thought it
Would take them so long
Cynthia
I was sure of last week
Lucy
And last weekend was wrong
Melanie
This is totally cool
Lucy & Cynthia
That's cause you won the pool
Melanie
When do you think
They will cut to the chase
Lucy
Well, his odds have improved
Cynthia
Since he got to first base
Three girls
And he's coming on strong
So it shouldn't be long
This couldn't be more outstanding
We hang on their every move
Melanie
It's very much like "Knots Landing"
Cynthia & Melanie
Will he charm her right into his palm?
Lucy
If he doesn't she isn't my mom
Three girls
What happens next
Could be anyone's call
Cynthia & Melanie
We're depending on you
With your ear to the wall
Three girls
To turn into a spy to be of those sly little elves
Till we're grown, on your own, and are prone to find
Romance
Ourselves
Who would've thought?
Who would've thought?
Paula (An Improvised Love Song)
Elliot
Paula
On my knees you're so much talla
But to please you I would crawl a-
Cross the
New Jersey turnpike
(She makes my tail begin to wag
and nothing on earth could improve her)
and if my lyrics make you gag
I'll apply the Sond-heim-lich maneuver
Paula
There's no need to overhaul ha
I'm ready to install ha in my heart
So let's get wise
And improvise
Some great the-a-ter
We'll split a pizza
Hit the sheets a
Little later
Near Paula my damn
Electrocardiogram
Jumps the chart
Paula
You sing to me and I'm elated
You might say ad lib-erated
Elliot
Though it's improptu ah'm to calm to sweat
Paula
This serenade that you've concocted
Is what the doctor prescribed
And his prescription seemed unfillable
Still I thrill in every syllable
Elliot
Paula
Paula
(Who, me?)
Elliot
I'm determined to enthrall ha
It's a name I'd love to scrawl a-
Cross the sky
With shooting stars
Celestial graffiti at least a mile high
I've fallen for Paula I can't deny
Poe-la
Like a sniper from Angola
Shot me down but I'd parole ha for a kiss
Maybe a french one
I'll be your jukebox till the dawn
I'll give you three plays for a quarter
You merely have to turn me on
I'm sorta short order Cole Porter
Pahla
I would hand you my last dollah
Put me on a leash and cah-la
Feed me a quiche
And Paula knows
If Paula decided to grant my fondest weesh
I'd cling like a barnacle
No capiche?
Paula
Paula
(That name has a ring to me)
Elliot
I'm gaga ova Paula
Paula
(I tingle when you sing to me)
Both
My pulse and hopes are rising
So let's keep improvising
Trust the good karma-we harmonize
And love could be like this song
Paula
Paula
What's happening to Paula?
Both
Who knows so we'll just make it up
Yes, we'll just make it up
As we go along
I Think I Can Play This Part
Elliot
Tell me how'd ya like to be my kid
Does that really sound so bad
Mark this down, I'm putting in my bid
Lucky you
Are one of the few
Who get to chose their dad
What you're looking for
Is the stand-up, steadfast type
Who's rugged strong yet sensitive and kind
But a leading man
With a sentimental stripe
Plus charisma
Is always hard to find
Does that sound like anyone we know?
Anyone we've met?
Who can we get?
I think I can play this part
Though no one's ever got it right before
I've a new interpretation
And a lot of motivation
And I seem to know the lines by heart
I'm sure I can play this part
You've been holding out
For a white knight on a steed
Who's dashing, handsome, filled with warmth and wit
Who can make you laugh
Sense of humor guaranteed
Plus an ego
And a smile that doesn't quit
Can this world-class paragon be found?
And who can he be?
Sounds just like me
I know I can play this part
It's one that I've prepared for all my life
I'll approach it with devotion
Understanding and emotion
Say the word cause I can't wait to start
I'm sure I can play this part
I'm a quick study
And I love to rehearse
And I fell a strong connection
Tell me what you need from me
I can't take direction
I'm burning to play this part
And no one's ever longed to play it more
It's a role that I'm so right for
That I'm willing to fight for
We can both create a work of art
And I promise to stay for the run of the play
I know I play this part
Jump For Joy
Paula
What a guy
He can fight like a champ, yes-sir-ee
What a guy
Though he's crazy-he's crazy for me
When I said hold off the wedding
The color left his cheeks
Don't'cha love a guy who freaks
At waiting seven weeks
What a guy
He was probably as charming at birth
Who I know if I asked him would gladly move heaven and
Earth
Even I can hardly miss
What a guy like this is worth
He's the first one I trust to come back
What a guy
When he does I'll give him him such a smack
He's no chip off Chippendale
But he's breath of spring
He does rotten imitations
But he's the real thing
What a guy
He's a guy with a hell of a nerve
But he's kind and he's good he thinks this is what I
Deserve
And it's hard to disagree
When a guy like this loves me
How I overlooked
His great appeal
A month ago
Now like in the past
I'm the last to know
What a mensch
I can hardly believe what he did
He even proposed to my kid
Any idiot can see
What a guy
Who is decent and honest and true
Who could smile through what I put him through
What a guy for me
Finale
Elliot
I think I can play this part
I know at last that I belong with you
Paula
Cause it all comes down to timing
Elliot
And an awful lot of climbing
Both
Every word, I swear, is from the heart
And I promise to stay
Lucy
For the run of the play
All
I know I can play this part!
Bows
Curtain call