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As Thousands Cheer
By Irving Berlin
Act 1
1) Man Bites Dog
2) How's Chances?
3) Heat Wave
4) Debts
5) Lonely Heart
6) Funnies, The
7) Easter Parade
Act 2
8) Supper Time
9) Metropolitan Opening
10) Revolt in Cuba (instrumental)
11) Our Wedding Day
12) Harlem On My Mind
13) [Deleted: Through a Keyhole]
14) Finale: Not For All The Rice In China
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ACT I
1)
Man Bites Dog
[REPORTER:]
I've got a headline
Oh, what a headline
Off the beaten track
A dog bit a man and the man bit the dog right back
[EDITOR:]
You can print what Roosevelt said
On the front page for a great big spread
[REPORTER:]
But I've got a headline
Oh, what a headline
Off the beaten track
A dog bit a man and the man bit the dog right back
[EDITOR:]
Hold the wire, it's hard to hear
There is someone screaming in my ear
What the hell's the matter with you and why the big enthuse?
[REPORTER:]
A man was bitten by a dog
[EDITOR:]
I know but that's not news
[REPORTER:]
But the man bit the dog right back
[EDITOR:]
What's that you say?
Got no time for gags today
[REPORTER:]
But this is no gag, it's on the square
I just this minute came back from there
[EDITOR:]
You just this minute came back from where?
[REPORTER:]
From a swell Park Avenue shack
Where a dog bit a man and the man bit the dog right back
[EDITOR:]
Never mind that Roosevelt speech
I've a headline now that is a peach
It's a most important story that'll set the town agog
Kill the Roosevelt spread, print this instead:
Man bites dog!
[NEWSIES:]
Extra! Extra! Extra! Extra! Man bites dog!
Extra! Man bites dog! Extra! Man bites dog!
Man bites dog! Man bites dog! Man bites dog!
[ENSEMBLE:]
At last! At last!
A man bit a dog at last
And it seems to Heywood Brown
That the world is out of tune
That if things don't happen soon
We'll all be biting dogs next June
At last! At last!
A man bit a dog at last
And Mister Hearst has a chance
To kick the French in the pants
He says that the man who bit the dog was a native of France
And Winchell's all agog
He interviewed the dog
And he says that the pretty Pom
Is soon to become a mom
It's a dog you hate to be with
The kind you see with the rich
Not a great big manly he-dog
A little she-dog
A bitch!
Which gives us a headline off the beaten track:
A bitch bit a man and the man bit the bitch right back!
2)
How's Chances?
[1st VERSE:]
The nickels and dimes I got
Have bought me an awful lot
A great big box of bonds and stocks
A hundred frocks, a car and a yacht
But having so much and more
Is getting to be a bore
It's not much fun when day is done
Without someone to love and adore
[REFRAIN:]
How's chances, say, how are the chances
Of making you love me the way I love you
I'd give up the things I'm possessing
To be caressing someone like you
How's chances for one of those glances
A glimpse of the heaven I'm longing to see
How's chances to end all your romances
And start taking your chances with me
[2nd VERSE:]
My tailor's the best but he
Is dear as a man can be
My shoes and spats, my opera hats
And my cravats are made just for me
I like an expensive car
And when at my favorite bar
I think it's fine to order wine
And when I dine, I love caviar
[alternate VERSE, from sheet music:]
When I want to see the boys
I know where to find the boys
I don't go through a club or two
I just find you and there are the boys
To get you alone I strive
You ask me to tea at five
I find you then with other men
And wonder when my chance will arrive
[alternate bridge:]
My castle will need some restoring
Ceiling and flooring, furniture, too
[another alternate bridge:]
How many young men must I fight with
To be in right with, in right with you
3)
Heat Wave
[VERSE:]
A heat wave blew right into town last week
She came from the island of Martinique
The can-can she dances will make you fry
The can-can is really the reason why
[REFRAIN:]
We're having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave
The temp'rature's rising, it isn't surprising
She certainly can can-can
She started the heat wave by letting her seat wave
And in such a way that the customers say that
She certainly can can-can
Gee
Her anatomy
Made the mercury
Jump to ninety-three
Yes, sir!
We're having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave
The way that she moves that thermometer proves that
She certainly can can-can
[PATTER:]
It's so hot the weather man will tell you a record's been made
It's so hot a coat of tan will cover your face in the shade
It's so hot the coldest maiden feels just as warm as a bride
It's so hot a chicken laid an egg on the street and it fried
[alternate lines:]
She started the heat wave by letting her feet wave
It's so hot a hefty maiden lost twenty pounds from each side
4)
Debts
[1st VERSE:]
England and Italy and Germany and France
We came here to discuss the debts
And we're leaving with no regrets
For England and Italy and Germany and France
We have more than reached our aim
And we're mighty glad we came
[Europe's REFRAIN:]
We've had a lovely conference with the U.S.A.
We'll pay our debts in silver and we'll be glad to pay
In a month or two we think we can pay our debts in zinc
And the next year we'll begin paying off what's left in tin
Oh, how we love America for she never makes a fuss
That's why we love America and America loves us
We'll tell our countries what we did and they're bound to say
If you think we can pay them off in wood, go back to the U.S.A.
[2nd VERSE:]
England and Italy and Germany and France
Here's some news that you ought to know
Off the gold standard we must go
Like England and Italy and Germany and France
We are going to inflate
And we're very glad to state:
[America's REFRAIN:]
Let the pound go up, the franc go up, the mark go up as well
Uncle Sam will be in Heaven when the dollar goes to Hell
For the stocks go up, the bonds go up, when no one wants to sell
Uncle Sam will be in Heaven when the dollar goes to Hell
Of course, our friends won't like it across the ocean blue
But we can greet our neighbors with a hey nonny nonny and a nuts to you
Let them call us this and call us that but while they scream and yell
Uncle Sam will be in Heaven when the dollar goes to Hell
[Europe's refrain is then sung in counterpoint with an altered
stanza and a half of "The Star Spangled Banner"]
5)
Lonely Heart
Miss Lonely Heart, what will I do?
I am a lonely heart writing to you
Hoping that through your column you will drop me a line
Saying you know a lonely heart as lonely as mine
Miss Lonely Heart, hear my appeal
You seem to know the way lonely hearts feel
That's why I'm writing and I'm asking for a reply
That's why I'm hoping you know someone lonely as I
I'm so blue returning to my lonely room
Ev'ry night, for nothing's quite as lonely as a lonely room
Miss Lonely Heart, I'm by myself
Watching the clock that stands up on the shelf
Hoping to hear the news that you know somebody who
Watches a clock and whispers "I'm a lonely heart too"
6)
Funnies, The
[VERSE:]
Sunday is Sunday to my family
But Sunday is not simply Sunday for me
For Sunday's the one day when I love to see the funnies
Breakfast is nothing of which you can boast
But breakfast to me isn't coffee and toast
It's coffee and toast and what I love the most, the funnies
[REFRAIN:]
Oh, I love the funnies
I couldn't go without the funnies
A cup o' coffee to my lips and in between the sips
The papers with the capers that are in the comic strips
Which means I'm simply mad about
I mean I couldn't do without the funnies
Oh, in my pajamas
I love to read the "Katzenjammers"
A little coffee in a cup and "Bringing Father Up"
I'm dippy over "Skippy" and his little yellow pup
Which means I'm simply mad about
I mean I couldn't do without the funnies
I'm not concerned with the news of the day
The stories of who murdered who
And for the columns what they have to say
I have no need of
I don't want to read of
The guys and all their honeys
The wealthy daughters or the sonnies
The news about the lovely trips that people take in ships
I'd rather read about the people in the comic strips
Which means I'm simply mad about
I mean I couldn't do without the funnies
[alternate lines:]
And as for what Mister Hearst has to say
The Dempseys or the Tunneys
7)
Easter Parade
[VERSE:]
Never saw you look quite so pretty before
Never saw you dressed quite so lovely what's more
I could hardly wait to keep our date this lovely Easter morning
And my heart beat fast as I came through the door
For
[REFRAIN:]
In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it
You'll be the grandest lady in the Easter parade
I'll be all in clover and when they look you over
I'll be the proudest fellow in the Easter parade
On the Avenue
Fifth Avenue
The photographers will snap us
And you'll find that you're
In the rotogravure
Oh, I could write a sonnet about your Easter bonnet
And of the girl I'm taking to the Easter parade
[alternate bridge for Great Britain:]
To the Park we'll go
Round Rotten Row
The photographers will snap us
And then you'll be seen
In the smart magazine
ACT II
8)
Supper Time
Supper time
I should set the table
'Cause it's supper time
Somehow I'm not able
'Cause that man o'mine
Ain't comin' home no more
Supper time
Kids will soon be yellin'
For their supper time
How'll I keep from tellin'
Them that man o'mine
Ain't comin' home no more?
How'll I keep explainin' when they ask me where he's gone?
How'll I keep from cryin' when I bring their supper on?
How can I remind them to pray at their humble board?
How can I be thankful when they start to thank the Lord?
Lord!
Supper time
I should set the table
'Cause it's supper time
Somehow I'm not able
'Cause that man o'mine
Ain't comin' home no more
9)
Metropolitan Opening
Who are we
And what are we doing here?
Wait and see
We're going to make it clear
We're the new millionaires who will sit in the chairs
That were once occupied by the old millionaires
Where are they
The people who had the cash?
They can't pay
They lost it all in the crash
Their sables and their foxes have all been put in pawn
So we bought up their boxes for the opera must go on
And instead of Mister Belmont, Mister Gould, and Mister Kahn
There's Mister Reuben, a Cuban who runs a delicatessen store
The man which a sandwich made famous
And there is Mister Klein, you've seen the sign on Union Square
The women's wear he sells made him a millionaire
And a first-night patron of the opera
The most expensive box was bought by William Fox
A fella named Nat Lewis who deals in ties and socks
Will occupy the chair a Vanderbilt sat upon
He'll be there to help them all carry on
Those gentlemen who force you to buy their Scotch and rye
Are in the diamond horse-shoe, would you like to know just why?
It seems a large delegation couldn't get a donation from Otto Kahn
And so the racket said we will back it
They came across because the opera must go on
10)
A Revolt In Cuba
Instrumental
11)
Our Wedding Day
[BRIDESMAIDS & USHERS:]
Ten little bridesmaids, ten little ushers
Marching side by side
We gave our promises to come to Saint Thomas's
And usher for the bridegroom
And bridesmaid for the bride
>From a hundred we were chosen and we're very glad we were
For this is the most important wedding on the social register
It's a perfect match
He was quite a catch
For the bridegroom is a member of the best of families
And the lovely bride
On her mother's side
Is a first or second cousin of the Astors, if you please
Cholly Knickerbocker says this is a smart affair
Cholly will be there
Knee-deep in Vanderbilts
It is plain to see, it is plain to see
Why we're proud to be, why we're proud to be
The selected few picked from Who's Who
To come here side by side
And usher for the bridegroom
And bridesmaid for the bride
Now we must go into church and see the groom and bride
Standing side by side
Knee-deep in Vanderbilts
For the happy pair, for the happy pair
Will be waiting there, will be waiting there
So we can't be late, we mustn't wait
The knot will soon be tied
Champagne for the bridegroom
And babies for the bride
[1st VERSE:]
[GROOM:]
Wake up, sleepyhead
Tumble out of bed
Wake up, don't be so slow
Bells go ting-a-ling
Let's be hurrying
Off to church we must go
[REFRAIN:]
Sun's in the sky, don't you know why?
This is our wedding day
Birds in their nest are singing their best
For we're going to be married
Flowers are in bloom and the perfume
Speaks of a bride's bouquet
Spread the good news with rice and old shoes
For this is our wedding day
[2nd VERSE:]
[BRIDE:]
I'm so sleepy, dear
Won't you make it clear
Why you're shaking me so
Please, dear, cut it out
What's it all about?
[GROOM:]
Off to church we must go
12)
Harlem on My Mind
[VERSE:]
Em'ralds in my bracelets and diamonds in my rings
A Riviera chateau and a lot of other things
And I'm blue, so blue am I
Lots of ready money in seven diff'rent banks
I counted up this morning, it's about a million francs
And I'm blue, so blue, and I know why
[REFRAIN:]
I've got Harlem on my mind
I've a longing to be lowdown
And my "parlez-vous" will not ring true
With Harlem on my mind
I've been wined and I've been dined
But I'm heading for a showdown
'Cause I can't go on from night to dawn
With Harlem on my mind
I go to supper with a French Marquis
Each evening after the show
My lips begin to whisper "Mon Cheri"
But my heart keeps singing "Hi-de-ho"
I've become too darn refined
And at night I hate to go down
To the high-falutin' flat that Lady Mendel designed
With Harlem on my mind
[Transcript of Ethel Waters' version:]
[VERSE:]
Em'ralds in my bracelets, diamonds in my rings
A Riviera chateau and a lot of other things
And I'm blue, so blue am I
Lots of ready money in seven diff'rent banks
I counted up this morning, it was 'bout a million francs
And I'm blue, so blue, and I know why
[1st REFRAIN:]
I've got Harlem on my mind
And I'm longin' to be lowdown
And my "parlez-vous" will not ring true
With Harlem on my mind
I've been dined and I've been wined
But I'm headin' for a showdown
'Cause I can't go on from night to dawn
With Harlem on my mind
I go to supper with a French Marquis
Each evening after the show
My lips begin to whisper "Mon Cheri"
But my heart keeps singin' "Hi-de-ho"
I've become too damned refined
And at night I hate to go down
To that high-falutin' flat that Lady Mendel designed
With Harlem on my mind
[2nd REFRAIN:]
I've got Harlem on my mind
And I'm longing to be lowdown
And my "parlez-vous" will not ring true
With Harlem on my mind
I've been dined and I've been wined
But sure as your born I'm headin' for a showdown
'Cause I can't go on from night to dawn
With Harlem on my mind
And when I'm bathing in my marble tub
Each evening after the show
I get to thinkin' 'bout that Cotton Club
And my heart starts chirping "Hi-de-ho"
Help me!
I've been too damned refined
And at night I hate to go down
To that flat with fifty million Frenchmen taggin' behind
With Harlem on my mind
13)
Through a Keyhole [Deleted From Show]
[VERSE:]
My mother was frightened by
A snoopy neighbor who poked his eye
Through mother's keyhole and that is why
I am what I am today
The man who looks through the keyholes along Broadway
My job is to be alert
And get the lowdown on all the dirt
The dirt that gathers on Broadway's skirt
For that's how I earn my pay
The man who looks through the keyholes along Broadway
[1st REFRAIN:]
Would you like to take a look through a keyhole?
If you'd like to get the in on the latest bit of sin, have a look
Life is like an open book through a keyhole
If you wonder what occurs 'ere the lady gets her furs, have a look
Angry people who think they're tough
Start to threaten but that's a bluff
They may holler but they won't stuff up their keyhole
So come on and have a look through a keyhole
If you'd like to get a view, view of who is cheating who, have a look
[2nd REFRAIN:]
So come on and have a look through a keyhole
If you want to see New York getting ready for the stork, have a look
Life is like an open book through a keyhole
If you want to get a load of the husband on the road, have a look
Lovely ladies of ev'ry kind
Think they're safe when they pull the blind
I see just what is on their mind through a keyhole
So come on and have a look through a keyhole
If you'd really like to know how she got into the show, have a look
14)
Finale: Not For All the Rice in China
At last! At last!
Something new in the show at last
Something new, if you please
We won't pull the same old wheeze
We mean that we won't reprise
The chorus of one of the melodies
At last! At last!
Here's a show that'll end at last
Without a reprise and that's news
They looked up the Constitution and they couldn't find a word
That said we had to sing a song that you'd already heard
The finest legal minds have met and everyone agrees
That when we reach the finale we don't have to sing a reprise
At last! At last!
We've come to the end at last
It'll all be over soon
But we don't intend to croon
The composer's favorite tune
The one they sang beneath the moon
Now we'll explain a reprise
It's that certain song they sing all through the show
And the one they sing again before you go
But the judges met and everyone agrees
That we will have to end without a reprise
Yes, we will have to end without a reprise
In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it
You'll be the grandest lady in the Easter parade
No, you can't do that
You can't do that
You can't sing again about your Easter hat
We're having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave
The temp'rature's rising, it isn't surprising
She certainly can can-can
No, you can't repeat
You can't repeat
You can't sing again about the can-can heat
I've got Harlem on my mind
And I'm longing to be lowdown
No, you can't do that
You can't do that
Because if you do we're gonna leave you flat
Never mind that introduction for we don't intend to sing
The chorus of "How's Chances?" as it wouldn't mean a thing
We'd like to sing a song that wasn't written for the score
A simple little chorus that they haven't heard before
A simple little chorus that you haven't heard before:
[REFRAIN:]
Not for all the rice in China
Not for all the grapes in France
Would I exchange the pleasure
That I get with every measure
When we dance
Not for all the kilts in Scotland
Not for all the bulls in Spain
Would I give up arriving
At your house although you're driving
Me insane
Not for all the onions in Bermuda
Or the cheeses that are made by the Swiss
Would I exchange that first kiss
That you gave me
Not for all the beans in Boston
Not for all the steaks in Moore's
Would I agree to part with
All the joy you filled my heart with
When you said, "I'm yours"
[Alternate line:]
Not for all the knobs on doors