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Bye Bye Birdie
Music by Charles Strouse
Lyrics by Lee Adams
Book by Michael Stewart


ACT ONE

1.OVERTURE
2.AN ENGLISH TEACHER
3.THE TELEPHONE HOUR
4.HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN
5.PUT ON A HAPPY FACE
6.NORMAL AMERICAN BOY
7.ONE BOY
8.HONESTLY SINCERE
9.HYMN FOR A SUNDAY EVENING
10.ONE LAST KISS

ACT TWO

11.WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM?
12.A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO
13.KIDS
14.BABY TALK TO ME
15.KIDS (REPRISE)
16.SPANISH ROSE
17.ROSIE

SONGS FROM THE MOVIE AND TV SPECIAL
18.BYE BYE BIRDIE (From the movie)
19.LET'S SETTLE DOWN (From TV Special)
20.A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE (From TV Special)
21.A GIANT STEP (From TV Special)




          ACT ONE  



       1.OVERTURE  
          Girls:
          We love you Conrad
          Oh yes we do
          We love you Conrad
          And will be true
          When you're not near us
          We're blue
          Oh, Conrad, we love you
          We love you Conrad!
          We love you Conrad!

          [ORCHESTRA]


       2.AN ENGLISH TEACHER  
          Rosie:

          He's going in the Army
          It's the best thing he could do
          Now we're free to start to do
          What we wanted to
          Albert, Albert, A-A-A-Albert!
          I remember how you told me
          I should trust you for a year
          It would just be for a year
          But it's eight years, Albert!
          Eight long years, Albert!
          Albert:
          Rosie, it takes time to go to business.
          Rosie:
          It was only a sideline
          That's what you said
          You just needed some money
          That's what you said
          You were going to college and get ahead
          Instead of being a music business bum
          You were going to NYU
          And become an English teacher
          An English teacher, an English teacher.
          If only you'd been an English teacher
          We'd have a little apartment in Queens
          You'd get a summer vacation
          And we would know what life means
          A man who's got his masters
          Is really someone
          How proud I'd be if you had become one
          It could have been such a wonderful life
          I could have been Mrs. Peterson
          Mrs. Albert Peterson,
          Mrs. Phi Beta Kappa Peterson,
          The English teacher's wife!
          Albert:
          Oh Rosie, I told you as soon as I get a few bucks ahead...
          Rosie:
          You said it before, Albert!
          And along came Conrad Birdie...
          And it was goodbye Jeffery Josser
          Hello William Morris
          Goodbye NYU,
          Hello all ALMAELOU
          'Cause when you wrote Canard's first hit
          Agha-bagha-boo
          Then I knew that was it
          You were through with English
          Forever...
          An English teacher is really someone
          How proud I'd be if you had become one
          It could have been such a wonderful life
          I could have been Mrs. Peterson
          Mrs. Albert Peterson,
          Mrs. Phi Beta Kappa Peterson,
          The English teacher's wife!


       3.THE TELEPHONE HOUR  
          -Hi, Nancy!
          -Hi, Helen!
          What's the story, morning glory?
          What's tale, nightingale?
          -Tell me quick about Hugo and Kim!
          -Hi, Margie!
          -Hi, Alice!
          What's the story, morning glory?
          -What's the word, humming bird?
          -Have you heard about Hugo and Kim?
          Did they really get pinned?
          Did she kiss him and cry?
          Did he pin the pin on?
          Or was he too shy?
          Well, I heard they got pinned
          -Yeah! Yeah!
          I was hopin' they would!
          - Oho!
          Now they're livin' at last,
          Goin' steady for good!
          -Hello, Mister Henkel, this is Harvey Johnson,
          Can I speak to Penelope Ann?
          -Is it true about Kim?
          -Penelope!
          -I just knew it somehow
          -About the ball...
          -I must call her right up!
          -Saturday
          -I can't talk to you now!
          Goin' steady,
          You know it
          Goin' steady,
          Man, it's crazy, man!
          Goin' steady,
          You know it,
          -It won't last!
          -Not at all!
          -He's too thin!
          -She's too tall!
          -Hello, Missus Miller, this is Harvey Johnson,
          Can I speak to Debra Sue?

          -Hi, you Hugo!
          Hi, you stupid!
          Why do wanna go get pinned up?
          -Well, I heard they got pinned
          -I was hopin' they would
          -Lost your moral
          -Now they're livin' at last
          -Are you nutty
          -Goin' steady ...
          -Hello, Mrs Garfein, is Charity home from school yet?
          -Did they really get pinned? Goin' steady?
          -We was hopin' they would
          -Now they're livin' at last
          -Goin' steady for good!
          If you gotta go, that's the way to go,
          When they got you hooked,
          Then you're really cooked,
          Whatcha gonna do?
          Whatcha gonna do?
          Well, I heard  they got pinned!
          I was thinking they would!
          Now they're livin' at last
          They are steady for good
          Goin' steady, goin' steady,
          Goin' steady,
          Steady for good
          Goin' steady, goin' steady,
          Goin' steady,
          Steady for good
          He's in love with Kim,
          Kim's in love with him!
          Goin' steady, goin' steady,
          Goin' steady!
          Well, well, oh oh oh
          Well, well, oh oh oh
          That's the way it should be!
          They'll be happy, I know!
          Going Steady for me.
          That's the way it should go!
          Goin' steady, goin' steady,
          Goin' steady,
          Steady for good
          Goin' steady,
          Goin' steady,
          Oh yeah!!!


       4.HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN  
          When you're a skinny child of fourteen,
          Wide with braces from ear to ear,
          You doubt that you will ever be appealing.
          Then Hallelujah! You are fifteen
          And the braces disappear
          And your skin is smooth and clear
          And you have that happy grown-up female feeling.
          How lovely to be a woman,
          The wait was well worth while;
          How lovely to wear mascara
          And smile a woman's smile.
          How lovely to have a figure,
          That's round instead of flat;
          Whenever you hear boys whistle,
          You're what they're whistling at.
          It's wonderful to feel
          The way a woman feels;
          It gives you such a glow just to know
          You're wearing lipstick and heels!
          How lovely to be a woman
          And have one job to do;
          To pick out a boy and train him
          And then when you are through,
          You've made him the man you want him to be!
          Life's lovely when you're a woman like me!
          How wonderful to know
          The things a woman knows;
          How marvelous to wait for a date
          In simply beautiful clothes!
          How lovely to be a woman
          And change from boys to men,
          To go to a fancy nightclub
          And stay out after ten.
          How lovely to be so grown-up and free!
          Life's lovely when you're a woman like me!


       5.PUT ON A HAPPY FACE  
          Gray skies are gonna clear up,
          Put on a happy face;
          Brush off the clouds and cheer up,
          Put on a happy face.
          Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy,
          It's not your style;
          You'll look so good that you'll be glad
          Ya' decide to smile!
          Pick out a pleasant outlook,
          Stick out that noble chin;
          Wipe off that "full of doubt" look,
          Slap on a happy grin!
          And spread sunshine all over the place,
          Just put on a happy face!
          Put on a happy face
          Put on a happy face
          And if you're feeling cross and bitterish  
          Don't sit and whine
          Think of banana split and licorice
          And you'll feel fine
          I knew a girl so glooming
          She'd never laugh or sing
          She wouldn't listen to me
          Now she's a mean old thing
          So spread sunshine all over the place
          Just put on a happy face
          So, put on a happy face


       6.NORMAL AMERICAN BOY  
          Reporter:
          He's coming! He's coming! Conrad Birdie is coming!
          Hey Conrad, how about answering a few questions?
          How do you feel about joining in the Army?
          Albert:
          Ah Ah Ah, how does he feel...You ask how he feels
          He's much too shy to tell you,
          So, I'll tell ya how he feels
          He feels brave and eager!
          Strangely humble! Proud to be a plain GI!
          Rosie:
          He would gladly face those bullets,
          For he's not afraid to die!
          Chorus:
          For he's a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal
          American boy!
          Albert:
          And that's why he volunteered for...
          Voice:
          Volunteered? I thought he was drafted!
          Voice:
          And he appealed...three times!
          Rosie:
          Sing!
          Girls:
          We love you Conrad
          Oh yes we do
          We love you Conrad
          And will be true!
          When you're not near us
          We're blue!
          Oh, Conrad, we love you...
          Albert:
          Very nice!
          Voice:
          Say what's the pitch on that Hollywood starlet, Conrad.
          Are you two engaged?
          Rosie:
          Ah Ah...Is he engaged? Is Conrad engaged?
          There's absolutely nothing to the rumor he's engaged!
          Albert:
          She's a real pal, like a sister, but it doesn't mean a thing!
          And that eighteen carat diamond, it was just a "friendship" ring!
          Chorus:
          For he's a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal American boy!
          Reporter:
          And why was your husband so mad?
          Albert:
          Sing!
          Girls:
          We love you Conrad
          Oh yes we do
          We love you Conrad
          And will be true!
          Reporter:
          Hey Mr. Peterson, give us a scoop, is Conrad still drinking a lot?
          Rosie:
          Now listen here! This gossip must stop!
          He goes to church each Sunday and he doesn't touch a drop!
          Albert:
          He's as decent as a minister!
          Rosie:
          Absolutely
          He's as sober as a judge!
          He subscribes to ev'ry charity!
          And his hobby's making fudge!
          All:
          For he's a fine upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal American boy
          Reporter:
          Is it true that you found Conrad in a Reform School?
          Rosie & Albert:
          That's a lie!
          A lie thru and thru!
          I'll tell you where he came from, here's the story and it's true!
          He was born in Indochina,
          Albert:
          He was born in old Virginia
          Rosie:
          Son of missionaries there!
          Albert:
          On a thousand acre farm!
          Rosie:
          Very poor and very hungry,
          What a cruel life to bear!
          Albert:
          From a line of wealthy planters,
          Full of genteel, southern charm!
          Rosie:
          Soon he drifted down to Hong Kong,
          To a waterfront saloon!
          Albert:
          In evening by the river,
          In the moonlight they would croon!
          Rosie:
          That is where I heard him singing,
          Albert:
          That's where Conrad started singing,
          Rosie:
          Underneath a Hong Kong moon!
          Albert:
          'Neath that sweet plantation moon!
          All:                                 Teens:
          Oh Beautiful for spacious skies,     We love you, Conrad!
                                               Oh, yes we do!
          For amber waves of grain.            We love you, Conrad, and we'll be true.                           
          A-A-America America,                 Oh, oh, Conrad, we love you    
          God shed His grace on thee.          We love you, Conrad, and we'll be true.  
          All:               
          For he's a fine upstanding, av'rage, modest, patriotic,      
          healthy, normal American,
          American boy!


       7.ONE BOY  
          Kim:
          One boy
          One special boy
          One boy to go with
          And talk with
          And walk with
          Kim and Girls:
          One boy
          That's the way it should be
          Yeah, yeah!
          That's the way it should be
          One boy
          One certain boy
          One boy to laugh with
          To jump with
          Have Coke with
          One boy
          Not two or three
          Kim:
          One day you'll find out
          This is what life is all about
          You'll need someone who
          Is living just for you
          Kim and Girls:
          One boy
          One steady boy
          One boy to be with
          Forever and ever
          One boy
          That's the way it should be
          That's the way it should be
          That's the way it should be

          Rosie
          When will he find out
          This is what life is all about?
          Will he ever see
          I need him and he needs me?
          One guy
          One special guy
          One guy to live for
          To care for, be there for
          One guy
          That's the way it should be,
          That's the way it should be...


       8.HONESTLY SINCERE  
          Girl:
          Speak to us, oh beautiful one, tell us how you make that
          glorious sound, that even now an anticipation of it has
          reduced me to a snarling, raging, panting, jungle beast!
          Birdie:
          You gotta be sincere!
          You gotta be sincere!
          You gotta feel it here,
          'Cause if you feel it here,
          Well, then you're gonna be honestly sincere!
          If what you feel is true,
          You really feel it you
          Make them feel it too,
          Write this down now
          You gotta be sincere,
          Honestly sincere!
          Man, you've got to be sincere!
          If you're really sincere,
          If you're really sincere,
          If you feel it in here
          Then it's gotta be right!
          Oh, baby! Oh, honey!
          Hug me! Suffer!
          In ev'rything I do,
          My sincerity shows thro'
          I looked you in the eye,
          Don't even have to try,
          It's automatic!
          I'm sincere!
          When I sing about a tree,
          I really feel that tree!
          When I sing about a girl,
          I really feel that girl,
          I mean I really feel sincere!
          If you're really sincere!
          If you're really sincere!
          If you feel it in here,
          Then it's gotta be right!
          Oh, baby! Oh, honey!
          Hug me! Suffer!
          You gotta be sincere!
          Oh oh, you gotta feel it here!
          Oh, my baby, oh, my baby, oh yeah!
          Oh, my baby, oh yeah!
          Well, you gotta be sincere!
          Well, you gotta be sincere!
          Well, you gotta be sincere!
          Well, you gotta be sincere!
          Well, you gotta be sincere!
          Well, you gotta be sincere!
          Oh, my baby, oh yeah!
          Oh, my baby, oh yeah!
          Well, you gotta be sincere!
          Well, you gotta be sincere!
          Oh, my baby, oh yeah!
          Oh, my baby, oh yeah!
          Oh, my baby, oh yeah!
          Oh, my baby, oh yeah!
          Yeah, YEAH!


       9.HYMN FOR A SUNDAY EVENING  
          Me on the Ed Sullivan show?
          Ed Sullivan
          Me, Henry McAfee appearing with
          Ed Sullivan
          Ed-Ed Sullivan
          Ed-Ed-Sullivan
          Ah Ah Ed Sullivan
          Ed Sullivan
          Ed Sullivan
          Ed-Ed-Sul-Sul
          Ed Sullivan, Ed Sullivan
          We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan
          How could any fam'ly be
          Half as fortunate as we?
          We'll be coast to coast,
          With our fav'rite host,
          Ed Sullivan.
          Ed Sullivan, Ed Sullivan,
          We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan!
          Ooooohhh!
          I've got a wonderful wife,
          Two swell kids,
          A good job and now this!
          Someday we'll recall
          The greatest day of all
          Ed, I love you!
          Ed Sullivan...


      10.ONE LAST KISS  
          Conrad Birdie:
          Oh, one last kiss,
          Give me one last kiss,
          It never felt like this,
          No, never felt like this,
          You know I need your love.
          Oh! Oh! Oh!
          Oh, give me one last kiss!
          Oh, one more time,
          Oh, baby, one more time,
          It really is sublime,
          Oh honey, so sublime!
          You know I need your love.
          Oh! Oh! Oh!
          Oh, give me one last kiss,
          Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aby-y-y, give me one last kiss!
          Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aby-y-y, give me one last kiss!
          Oh, one last kiss,
          Give me one last kiss,
          It never felt like this,
          No, never felt like this,
          You know I need your love.
          Oh! Oh! Oh!
          Oh, give me one last kiss!
          One last kiss, one last kiss,
          Oh, give me one last kiss!
          One last kiss, one last kiss,
          Oh, give me one last kiss!

ACT TWO  


      11.WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM?  
          Rosie:
          Eight years, eight years,
          That's how long I've wasted on him!
          That's all, I'm through.
          Albert dear, to put it sweetly,
          To hell with you!
          What did I ever see in him?
          How did I ever get evolved that way?
          Now that it's over I can smile and say
          What did I ever see in him?
          Boy, I was way out on the limb.
          Now that my feet are on the ground again,
          Now that my senses have been found again,
          What did I ever see in him?
          Is he tender?
          No, he's not!
          Is he thoughtful?
          No, he's not!
          Am I crazy?
          What's he's got that I found so damned appealing?
          What did he ever do for me?
          Well, to be honest he was sometimes nice,
          But still it wasn't worth that awful price.
          It was rough from the start.
          Broken dates, broken nails, broken heart
          How did I ever?
          Why did I ever?
          What did I ever?
          Rosie and Kim:
          Do we need them? No, we don't!
          Do we want them? No, we don't!
          Will we leave them? No, we won't!
          Tell me what did I say that for?
          What did we ever see in them?
          How could we ever think that they were nice?
          Take it from us we pay an awful price
          It was rough from the start
          Broken dates, broken nails, broken heart
          What did I ever see in him?


      12.A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO  
          Birdie:
          There are chicks just ripe for some kissin'
          And I mean to kiss me a few!
          Then those chicks don't know what they're missin',
          I got a lot of living to do!
          Sizzlin' steaks all ready for tastin'
          And there's Cadillacs all shiny and new!
          Gotta move, cause time is a-wastin',
          There's such a lot of livin' to do!

          Kim:
          There are men of nineteen or twenty
          Who are suave and reckless and true
          Older men who give a girl plenty
          I've gotta a lot of livin' to do

          Birdie:
          There's music to play,
          Places to go, people to see!
          Everything for you and me!

          Birdie:
          There's music to play,(You know it, you know it!)
          Places to go, people to see!
          Everything (Yeah!)
          For you and me!

          All:
          Oh, Life's a ball
          if only you know it
          And it's all just waiting for you
          You're alive,
          So come on and show it
          We got a lot of livin'
          Such a lot of livin'
          Got a lot of livin' to do!


      13.KIDS  
          Kids!
          I don't know what's wrong with these kids today!
          Kids!
          Who can understand anything they say?
          Kids!
          They a disobedient, disrespectful oafs!
          Noisy, crazy, dirty, lazy, loafers!
          While we're on the subject:
          Kids!
          You can talk and talk till your face is blue!
          Kids!
          But they still just do what they want to do!
          Why can't they be like we were,
          Perfect in every way?
          What's the matter with kids today?
          Kids!
          I've tried to raise him the best I could
          Kids! Kids!
          Laughing, singing, dancing, grinning, morons!
          And while we're on the subject!
          Kids! They are just impossible to control!
          Kids! With their awful clothes and their rock an' roll!
          Why can't they dance like we did
          What's wrong with Sammy Caine?
          What's the matter with kids today!


      14.BABY TALK TO ME  
          Albert:
          Talk To me, baby, won't you talk to me
          I don't care what you say
          Baby, talk to me
          Must you to be oh so far away from me
          It seems so wrong this way
          Talk to me
          And if you miss me
          Tell me so
          Are you lonely
          Tell me so
          Say you love me
          Tell me so
          Honey, let me know
          Talk to me
          Till I press you close to me
          Then you'll see
          We won't have to talk at all
          (Must you to be oh so far away from me, baby)
          I don't care what you say
          (Oh, baby talk)
          Talk to me
          (Go on, what can you loose, it ain't gonna hurt)
          And if you miss me
          (Oooh, Tell him so)
          Are you lonely
          (Lady, lady, tell him so)
          Say you love me
          (Oooh!)
          Tell me so
          (Honey, honey)
          Let me know
          Chorus:
          Talk to me
          Till I press you close to me
          Then you'll see
          We won't have to talk at all
          Till I press you close to me
          Then you'll see
          We won't have to talk at all
          Talk to me
          Talk to me
          Talk to me...


      15.KIDS (REPRISE)  
          Kids!
          I don't know what's wrong with these kids today!
          Kids!
          Who can understand anything they say?
          Kids!
          They are so ridiculous and immature!
          I don't see why anybody wants 'em!
          Just you wait and see
          Kids!
          Kids! They are just impossible to control!
          (Soon you'll be old enough to be)
          Kids! With their awful clothes and their rock an' roll!
          (Another teenage delinquent)
          Why can't they be like you were,
          Perfect in every way?
          What's the matter with kids to--
          Kids!
          What the devil's wrong with these kids today?
          Kids!
          Who could guess the they would turn out that way!
          Why can't they be like we were,
          Perfect in every way?
          What's the matter with kids?
          What's the matter with kids?
          What's the matter with kids today?


      16.SPANISH ROSE  
          Thank you BOINKYtc@aol.com
          Rosie:
          I'm just a Spanish tamale according to Mae
          Right off the boat from the tropics far far away
          Which is kind of funny
          Since where I come from is Allentown, Pa
          Spanish!
          Ok, may I'll be Spanish
          Right after I've married Alberto

          I'll be the toast of chi-chi Costanango,
          And all day long my castanets will click!
          I'll hide behind my fan and do the tango!
          I'll be so Spanish it'll make you sick!
          I'll eat the tacos and the enchilada!
          I'll drink Tequila till I feel no pain!
          The only song I'll sing will be "Granada"!
          I'll be more "español" than Abbe Lane!

          Coo coo coo
          La cuc.........racha
          Ssssso
          Call me the wild Spanish rose!
          The craziest flower that grows
          I'll kick up my heels and see
          How it feels to be sultry Spanish rose
          Olé!

          Behind my mantilla I will pose
          The beauty that nobody knows!
          So regal and cool, exciting and cruel,
          That's me! Spanish rose

          (My name Rosita Hernandez!)
          (You'll buy my "tortilla"!)
          (You like me, yes? No? Maybe? "Eeyuckh!")

          "Americano" let me give you a bit of advice
          To cross Spanish do not twice
          Your match you have found
          So don't mess around
          Her heart is cold as ice!

          With Albert I will dance to the bolero
          We'll cha cha in the nicest honky tonks
          Hell wear a little mustache and sombrero
          My handsome Latin lover from the Bronx

          So now that you've met Spanish rose
          Never forget Spanish rose
          Shell taunt you,
          Shell tame you but what man can blame you
          For worshiping Spanish rose.

          Not Danish
          Not British
          Not Swedish
          Not Yiddish
          But span............................ish
          Rosa!


      17.ROSIE  
          Albert:
          I was never crazy for flowers,
          I confess that nothing left me colder;
          I could watch a daisy for hours
          And all I'd feel was sev'ral hours older!
          Lilacs and lilies, any bloom you please,
          All what they did was make me shrug or sneeze;
          But now I love each blossom that I see,
          For a lovely little rose loves me.
          Now my life is rosy, when I'm my Rosie,
          With a girl like Rosie,
          How could I be blue?
          Hand in hand we'll mosey
          Me and little Rosie,
          We will be so cozy
          By a fire built for two.
          Oh! I once heard a poem that goes:
          "A rose is a rose is a rose"
          Well I don't agree,
          Take it from me,
          There's one rose sweeter than any that grows!
          That's my Rosie,
          I'm so glad she chose me;
          Life is one sweet beautiful song to me.
          Now my life is rosy, (Oh, we'll be happy, I know)
          Since I found my Rosie,(Off to the preacher we'll go)
          With a girl like Rosie,(So how could we be blue?)
          How could I be blue?
          Rosie:
          Oh we'll have us a home out west,
          A nice little split-level nest,
          And in ev'ry room roses in bloom...
          Albert:
          But there's on rose sweeter than all of the rest!
          Then that's my Rosie
          Rosie:
          I'm so glad you chose me!
          Both:
          Life is one sweet beautiful song to me
          When love is right then
          What can be wrong?
          Life is one sweet beautiful song
          To me!

          SONGS FROM THE MOVIE AND TV SPECIAL   


      18.BYE BYE BIRDIE (From the movie)  
          [Opening]
          Kim:
          Bye Bye Birdie
          I'm gonna miss you so;
          Bye Bye Birdie,
          Why'd you have to go?
          No more sunshine,
          It's followed you away;
          I'll cry Birdie,
          Till you're home to stay.
          I'll miss the way you smile,
          As tho' it's just for me;
          And each and ev'ry night,
          I'll write you faithfully!
          Bye Bye Birdie,
          It's awful hard to bear;
          Bye Bye Birdie
          Think I'll always care,
          Guess I'll always care,
          Guess I'll always care!

          [Finale)
          Bye Bye Birdie
          The Army's taken you now
          I'll try Birdie
          To forget some how
          No more sighing
          Each time you moved your lips
          No more crying
          When you twist those hips
          Your swivel and your sway
          Your super trooper
          There's nothing left to say
          But Conrad you're a jet
          Bye Bye Birdie


      19.LET'S SETTLE DOWN (From TV Special)  
          Can't shake that dream of you and me
          in some little town.
          If you'd shape up,
          We'd settle down,
          Leave the mess and the stress
          Of big city livin',
          Trade that grabbing and shoving
          For loving and giving
          I'm tired of your talking,
          I want it now.
          That house and yard
          with only birds bringing songs around,
          Don't be afraid to settle down.
          That green stuff's grass
          and that smell everywhere,
          Know what that is?
          Fresh air.
          The years are going by so fast.
          Hey, it's time we found some peace of mind,
          Our peace of ground, let's settle down.


      20.A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE (From TV Special)  
          [spoken]
          So, it's come at last. At last it's come, the day I knew would
          come at last has come, at last. My sonny-boy doesn't need me
          any longer. Well, what are you waiting for? Get rid of me,
          put me out with the garbage; just throw me out with the used
          grapefruits and the empty cans from the tuna fish. And never
          mind putting a lid on it. Leave it open so a hundred thousand
          pussycats can walk all over a mother.Who bronzed your baby
          shoes? Kissed ev'ry little bruise?
          [singing]
          Who picked your dirty socks up off the floor?
          You coughed and who was there?
          It's just too hard to bear,
          A mother doesn't matter anymore.
          With bunions on my feet,
          I trudged through snow and sleet,
          To bring your lic'rice from the corner store.
          I sold my Tiffany lamp,
          So you could go to camp.
          Now a mother doesn't matter anymore.
          [spoken]
          That's it, I'm ready to go and I don't want you to spend
          a cent. Fancy funerals are for rich people. Just wrap me
          in a flag and throw me in the river on mother's day.
          [singing]
          And precious, by the way,
          The doctor called today.
          What I got's a condition,
          Yes he's sure,
          There's nothing they can do,
          I'll last a week or two.
          Because for a condition there's no cure.
          That time you caught the croup,
          Who made you chicken soup,
          And read you "Bambi" till her throat was sore?
          You sacrifice your life, then, BANG!
          You get the knife.
          Now a mother doesn't matter anymore.
          [spoken]
          There, I feel better now. Everything is as it should be.
          A mother is lying on top of a sanitation truck, bound for the
          city dump and a son is running around with a floozie who came
          looking for a good time and stayed to ruin an American woman's
          life.
          [singing]
          Who gave up nights of rest
          To rub Vicks on your chest?
          Who nursed her sonny boy till he was four?
          My life has been in vain,
          This country's down the drain,
          'Cause a mother doesn't matter,
          No, a mother doesn't matter,
          Yes, a mother doesn't matter anymore.


      21.A GIANT STEP (From TV Special)  
          I took a giant step!
          I'm mighty proud of me.
          Today, I am the man
          I had to be.
          Those apron strings at last are cut.
          It's like I grew some wings
          And flew out of my Oedipal rut.
          I leaped a giant leap!
          I made the winning play.
          It ain't July, but hey,
          It's Independence Day!
          No more "Sonny Boy",
          It's "Mister Albert P."
          I took a giant step,
          A self reliant step,
          A brave defiant step and I'm free!
          I climbed a giant peak,
          A daring thing to do.
          I'm way up high, oh Rosie,
          What a view!
          I see the future and it's bright.
          It's no more "Mama anything you say"
          From morning till night.
          I took a giant step!
          A wimpy kid no more,
          You never saw a turnaround like this before.
          It's just one small step for mankind.
          But for me,
          It was a forceful step, a most resourceful step,
          A bold and brassy step,
          A sassy, classy step,
          A self reliant step,
          A brave defiant step.
          I took a giant step
          And I'm free.